HTS, did you ever consider that transition to a female made you
more depressed along with causing other problems? Biologically, there's more to being a woman than simple hormones. What if the enormous suicide rate is in part due to incongruence between the radical long-term shift in this and the male body? Think about it, I know you don't understand neuroscience and the endocrine system anywhere near as well as I do, not even remotely close, but you should be able to see why this is perfectly reasonable and has a high chance of being true. Look up the information on low testosterone levels, extremely low, along with high estrogen levels, and depression. Years ago testosterone was on of my obsessions for months, and I used it myself while weight lifting. Do you know what immense sex differences there are in an array of some of the most important aspects of the brain? No, this is
not a myth. God knows what kind of utterly idiotic garbage you may been reading telling you otherwise. Just take a look at this, how chasmic the divergence is in one of the most basic components!
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/01/050121100142.htmIn general, men have approximately 6.5 times the amount of gray matter related to general intelligence than women, and women have nearly 10 times the amount of white matter related to intelligence than men. Gray matter represents information processing centers in the brain, and white matter represents the networking of – or connections between – these processing centers.
Yes, of course there could be a benefit, if it was truly right for you (You can't be sure because you haven't actually experienced it. Don't give me that bullshit about how you "just know", you're so fucked up in the head and irrational I don't give a shit about how well you believe you understand yourself.), and things were
ideal. Of course they aren't even close to ideal, because you're a half assing fat lazy stupid motherfucking piece of shit, and ugly as well. You may not even have the face to ever properly pull it off, unless you're willing receive surgery for it, even your voice, the problem is you would have actually had to pay for it by getting an education and decent job beforehand, doing things properly, instead being a worthless entitled piece of garbage that only burdens everyone. The cost for
overseas surgery, which is an excellent choice at high quality hospitals that cater to medical tourists, is relatively low, you may only have needed as little as 10K. That
would not have been a lot. If it was, how the fuck do people buy cars? Of course it seems like a lot due to your worthless predisposition and the state you've been in your entire life, which you're clearly too idiotic and devoid of the right character to ever escape. You'll simply continually engage in defeatism and make the most pathetic excuses for everything, attempt to explain how your life, success and happiness, is simply oh so impossible.
Well I fucking made it, and my conditions were
far worse than yours. I'm literally heavily autistic and haven't had any social relations in 14 years, I've been completely isolated for the past 3 when I suffered a severe mental breakdown, developed a vast array of severe mental problems, the ones I had worsening, close to maxing out depression rating charts, feeling almost relentless depression without reprieve for the entire period, I don't even have any family, no one at all. I was anthropophobic and agoraphobic, not even
stepping foot outside for up to a month. My anxiety was through the roof. Bedridden, every symptom at the maximum. It culminated in me become a serious alcoholic for an extensive period, literally drinking a 5 liter box of wine a day, then at the end 1.75L of whiskey and a box every 2 days, sometimes vomiting intermittently throughout the entire day, particularly dry heaving in teh morning, and not being able to get food or much water down for at least day, even up to 3 once, feeling horrendous.
This was my routine toward the end:
>wake up in a panic completely soaked in a cold sweat after bout of extensive insomnia
>reach over to grab bucket and dry heave
>do some some dabs for the antiemetic effect and other benefits in order to keep anything down, dry heave from the smoke/vapor
>scramble for a drink and anti-depressants
Culminating in me choosing to go to the ER instead of the store to buy more and perpetuating the cycle, on the verge of a seizure, and telling them I was having thoughts of suicide. My life was so bad that spending the day there, speaking to people about my problems, having a security guard within site the entire time to monitor me, being hooked up to IVs and an ECG, lying in bed with nothing to do, was actually substantially more fun, enjoyable, and interesting than my regular life. How bad does your life have to be for that to occur? Well, pretty fucking bad.
I even experienced catatonic symptoms from the PAWS, even with ativan and etizolam, thought I may have been dying or experiencing catatonia like deterioration, which eventually happens in 17% of ASD sufferers, and planned to schedule an appointment with a neurologist, seriously considered whether I may have to move into an assisted living facility.
Then I had the intelligence and resolve to set an appointment ASAP and managed to receive Nardil on my first try because despite being so fucked up I was still intelligent, knowledgeable, had the foresight, awareness, cognitive skills and ability, to scam a Nardil prescription on my first try, which I had determined was the optimal medication for me, the only one that would work, and I was right, as always.
Now I'm about to attend school and dual major in philosophy and neuroscience to the highest level I can achieve, transfer to the best school I can, which will at least be UC Berkeley, currently ranked #6 worldwide, above Princeton and Yale, and I won't have to pay anything for it. Due to the additional scholarships I may qualify for, the potential for a full ride, I may essentially get paid to go to school. With how incredibly low my expenses are, I could live well even with the cost of the Bay Area.
You're a fucking loser. I don't believe your excuse about committing suicide being too difficult. Destruction is far easier than creation. Causing your body to cease to function, even painlessly, is a simple problem to solve. There are multiple ways to do it.
Oh, you can't afford to buy the items required? You've told us how much money you piss away each month. If you genuinely had the resolve you would save, even steal, to do so. It does not cost a lot. There are multiple methods.
How much does it cost to buy a suitable bag, something to seal it with, both of which you probably already have available, and an inert gas? What about a strong benzo and opioid? Pick up a bag of fucking heroin, you're completely full of shit if you claim you can't.
You're either too utterly imbecilic, devoid of intellectual worth, to be able to figure it out, or you don't genuinely want to.
I
want you to die. You're
never going to overcome your problems and you need someone to tell it to you straight, clearly and directly. Your life is absolutely meaningless, pointless, and you may as well end your suffering and immense burden on others. The only reason anyone either tries to help you is either because they feel sorry for you or simply feel immensely obligated to, like your parents, which I'm
sure regret ever adopting you, something you probably figured out a long time ago, or the paramedics and doctors who are only doing it because it's their job and secretly hope you would just die and stop wasting time and resources that could be used for people who actually deserve it.
Do it! Even if they won't admit on some level
everyone knows that everything I've said is true, they were tired of your repeated incessant whining a long time ago, even encouraged you and
laughed as you overdosed on cam and were found by your mother (Wonderful thing to do to a parent, btw. I'm sure they
love finding their only son on the verge of death.), and they know you're never going to get better and make it anyway. You're a complete waste of everyone's time and effort, want a perpetual pity party, attention, so you can delude yourself into thinking that people on a screen hundreds or thousands of miles away, who you'll never even meet, mean you aren't alone, have actual friends, and that there are people who care about you. Stop lying to yourself and accept the truth, you are alone and always will be, you're completely unlikable and will never find someone to love because you're absolutely disgusting.
As for your parents, they adopted you, a baby who needed a home, one of the most altruistic and selfless acts there is, they cared for you, suffered and were burdened, put immense effort, for countless hours, spent so much time and money trying to give you the best life they could, develop you into a good, successful person, genuinely loved you deeply as their own son, worried about you, your problems, likely spent countless moments talking to each other about you, lost sleep and cried, spent nights alone just staring at the ceiling while you were on their mind, the countless memories they had with you, trying to make you happy, they hoped for the best for you
and
this is how you turned out? I wouldn't be surprised if you ever killed them or at least sent them to an early grave because of broken heart.
You're an absolute monster, an abomination. I genuinely hope that if there's one good act you ever commit in your life, if your toxic black heart can muster it, it's that you finally do the entire world a favor and kill yourself once and for all, make sure you get it right this time, as soon as possible, ideally by tomorrow.
