When I was 4 years old I masturbated for a sinus infection that was pushing my eye out of my head and making me throw up, I was in the hospital for a month during christmas hooked up to an iv watching bozo the clown all fucked up like "am i gonna die mommy?!" it was scary as fuck because all this weird stuff was happening like the nurses trying to dress my brother up in pajamas for solidarity to make me feel better and he was like 2 years old and was like "fuck that im not gonna do it tonight!" and it just made me feel worse.
I used to be a nursing asst when i was 18 at a psyche ward and it was one of my favorite jobs because everyone loved me. But I think psychiatry is fundamentally wrong because its based around a false science and not the reality of our world. I'm a catholic and I know a lot of you guys aren't religious but I believe that drug addiction and mental illness isn't caused by a fundamental chemical imbalance i believe that its a "malady" of the soul/spirit, and is brought on by things that have happened to you when you were a child. I was molested when I was 5 years old and It was something i held in my subconcious until i was 18 and smoking some weed in my gf's back yard, and it was down right shocking how it just popped into my head like that.
I went to jail 2 times for fighting with my dad when i was 17 (not juvie real jail) because I refused to take the medication they wanted me to take, fucking seroquel. It made me pass out on my desk at school drooling and so i quit taking it and started spitting it down the sink when they weren't looking. I'm diagnosed with bipolar d/o, but i feel like thats kind of bullshit, i think that I have emotional problems instead. I've been in plenty of mental hospitals and i've been in jail like 12 times over the last ten years, i try be more chill now but there is something that is fundamentally missing in my life.
I used to be a heroin/opioid addict for about 20-23 I basically lived off this one chick during that time and i feel really guilty about it. I ent up cheating on her during valentines day with some skank that still follows me around to this day that I refuse to talk to. I don't really do that many drugs anymore but I drink like crazy and I've ruined so many relationships with women that genuinely loved me for who I was. I dated this lady that was 10 years older than me last year, she was one of most beautiful ladies I've ever seen, and she was very mature and had a great personality and loved to come drink and play with my cat with me. We would do other things like go to concerts and she would take me rollerskating and fuck in the wilderness. And a lot of other people around austin new her because she was a badass drummer. She told me when we first met that she was going to be leaving to go to DC to win cupcake wars and i was like okay cool whatever. I didn't realize I'd actually grow to like love her. But because I have a bad part of me that comes out when I drink when we went to a ringo deathstarr show, she asked me if I would move with her or at least come visit her, and I told her "im never going to do that" or something to that affect, I felt immediately bad when i saw the look on her face, but I played it off like I didn't care. We still hungout after that before she left, she spent the night with me before she was leaving, and It hurt me so much to see her go, I just kissed her and told her "later doll"
But yeah I'm trying to quit drinking so much but I'm afraid of having a seizure / excruciating withdrawals. Back in the summer, I tried to quit drinking and 16 hours after my last drink i was at the "tax office" with my "friend" and I had a seizure and fucked up my face by me flopping like a fish on the floor (i dont remember any of this infact i felt fine before it happened lol) I woke up handcuffed to a hospital bed with an ass full of ativan totaly confused, and the I was yelling "what the fuck!" and this asian bitch nurse came up and was like "you're handcuffed because you tried to fight the cops" and I just kept screaming until they got sick of me and let me go and they gave me a bus pass to go back to my car at the tax office (my friend said I didn't try to fight the cops, that I was so confused and out of it when i came too that i tried to just walk out and they held me down because they didn't want me to seizure up again) I got back to my car and when i was driving home i was still out of it from the seizure and the fact that they shot me up with ativan, i feel asleep at every red light all the way home, it was highly dangerous and disturbing.
So now I'm trying to normalize my drinking because I'm obviously an alcoholic and I want to go back to school because I want to be a nurse or a medical technician because I know it would be something I can be good at. Not that I don't still aspire to having a Bill Krozbydog stand. But you gotta make dat money honey.
Post last edited by Bill Krozby at 2017-03-07T14:28:31.294290+00:00
