Guten tag, various earth niggas, connected via computer and various coax and cat5 cables.
I'll try and not YAP and get on tangents as much as possible, this already gon be TLDR. But first, it's hard to believe some of us have been on here since youthful and healthy, now old and faggoty, the cringe of age catching up. I always said I didn't want to live past
40 because that's when I believe the terminal cringe sets in, and maybe I'll have accidently manifested it. LETS GO!
You'd have thought I would have already experienced near death from any number of dumb drug combinations in the past, but this was as close I've experienced to dying, and it was just from a mixture of bad heart genetics, high testosterone and too much muscle , and accidently taking too many blood pressure and sleeping meds to close together.
I was already having bad sleep apnea nightmares. The dreams would start without much backstory, I'm on a boat, and I fall off the boat and start drowning. As I see the surface get farther and farther, it gets darker and darker. Breathing becomes harder and harder. Sometimes I'll feel some struggling, but eventually in the dream it gets mentally exhausting quick, so I'm like fuck it and just submit to the darkness and let myself run out of breath, as there isn't much I can do. I then wake up instantly, out of breath and lightheaded, and like numerous people have been kicking the shit out of me in my sleep. These dreams are often terrifying enough I don't want to go back to sleep, but of course lethargy and sleepiness is a tough battle. But usually I sleep fine for several days/weeks after the nightmares.
Well on this seemingly normal night in Nov. 2023, I was tired as fuck, felt heavy as fuck, had been gaming and smoking kush all night probably or something, and was ready for bed. Since I hadn't slept well for a few days, I accidentally took my morning bp med, and my night bp meds like 3 hours apart. Not usually a big deal, but I also took a hydroxyzine or two so I'd get a good 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. And boy did I almost get uninterrupted sleep.
So I go to bed. The sleep apnea like dream begins, but its advanced a little bit. Fuck the whole falling out of a boat part, I become conscious as I'm already under the water, and it's getting dimmer, and I can't breathe. I'm pretty curious what's next. Now, here's where I'm still pretty freaked out to this day. As it got darker and the surface so distant I could no longer orientate myself as to up/down/left/right, and I witnessed a new shade of color that I can still kind of remember to this day. The absence of color you could say, a black that was much blacker than the black we are used to. It was a black that I can only describe, if you are in a windowless room, with all the lights out, at night time......that, would be your LIGHT reference. Yeah imagine the darkest dark you've seen in your life, and then make it several shades darker/blacker.
Think of it like, if the blackest black you know is like when an LCD screen is off, but backlit, in a dark room. It appears dark, but in the darkness it is essentially illuminated blackness. Then, when the backlight cuts off, and the screen cuts off completely,
you realize it gets legit black, like much blacker than when it was on. This seemed similar, just gradually going from dark, to pitch black, to....somehow, unfathomably darker.
Also by this point, I'm feeling struggling (which is my physical body asleep in bed), but it feels tiny. Distance and time, or orientation is impossible to decipher in this void of blackness I've entered and essentially floating in, but my body felt small
and like fucking 50 ft to the.....bottom left? of wherever the fuck I'm at. This is the last bit I remember before instantly waking up with a streak of pain across my chest. My vascularity felt "off" the entire next day, like I'd feel a wave of pressure go throughout the closed loop system of my body, starting with left kidney, down both legs, up the right kidney, and up the neck. The immediate pain and waking up immediately in shock is the main bridge I have to the experience, giving the nightmare/experience credibility.
So if you are thinking "Oh eBagger, I love your posts, you should go see a doctor!" Here's where you can believe in luck, you can believe in whatever the fuck you want, but my medical luck is BAD, and always has been. I've had several tests on my
heart, and my cardiologist with a smile says "Oh, you're heart is like, the picture perfect for heart health!"
I explained this experience to a couple of my doctors who just don't believe it. When I told my cardiologist I masturbated in my sleep, she was just like "Omg like, the paramedics where there? and they had to zap you back to life? Oh it was a bad dream....ok" And since I don't have many medical options and I'm trying my best not to get doctors pissed off at me, it was incredibly hard not to talk shit, but I just humored her and said "Yeah sure, just a dream, and I'm just sleeping on my left arm to make it numb, I totally can't tell the difference between my heart giving out, and me sleeping on my left arm at this age". "You won't be having problems for at least 10 years", she says. Of COURSE smh. Only literally everybody on my dads side dies of heart attack/aortic dissection/aneurism. Starting usually in early 40's, up to 60's, cousins, uncles, father, all dead from heart related issues. God she was SMUG about it too, holy fuck my bp is rising just thinking about it.
Fast forward 6 months, I get a blood clot in my right leg. Doc didn't believe me and thought I pulled a muscle, but still agreed to check for blood clot, and I was right. So I've been on blood thinners for the past 6 months, and after some manual labor the other day, I had a headache that I could only describe as pre-aneuerism. My fingers went numb, andI almost shit myself, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't because of any stomach issue, but the last SHIT I might ever take (sorry future paramedics).
Possibly the worst part of all of this, as I've mentioned probably in one of my past posts over the years, when life gets to a certain degree of shitty, I have no issue using drugs as a crutch to get me to the next level. I've always been able to use drugs without abusing them for the most part, but now, most drugs are giving me symptoms and causing me to feel my heart/chest/left arm/neck more, so possibly the worse part about all of this, is I've having to be mostly sober. I've been mostly sober anyway since Covid, besides Kush but that doesn't really count of course. Now though, even kush is causing symptoms, and kush is one of the essential vitamins and minerals my bodies need to survive. If I was a Sim, then right under food, and water, I'd have a kush bar. The symptoms that I'd feel after smoking became prominent enough to ruin my high, and I guess a forced 2025 resolution is no kush.
Anywho, I just figured I'd give you guys an insight on what I experience. If you have near death experiences with similar or different outcomes feel free to post them. I keep thinking of the people who said they saw lights, and tunnels, and lights at the end of tunnels, and I'm wondering when the hell that kicked in for them. Because at no point in my experience did I experience anything other than darkness. I also like to think I live my life and my relationship with God has me heaven bound, so take that into consideration.
BONUS YAPPING:
Some common things I'm thankful for since realizing I'm not invincible, and think about on a daily basis.
1. Gaming. I still love gaming of all genres. PUBG, CODWarzone, Fortnight, Halo Infinite, Hell Let Loose, etc. Seeing all these people modern day getting blown up by drones, thinking of all of those who died in war in the history of mankind, it really doesn't feel fair I've gotten to enjoy all these incredibly fun war gaming experiences, while another man has had to actually endure war. It's thankfulness, mixed with the bitterness that God allows my fellow man to die horribly and young.
2. Fear of alternative realities. All things considered, I am lucky, and many of us are lucky. If you think about the endless possibilities of death, consciousness, ones spirit, it's not impossible to imagine horrifying alternatives. When I die am I going to be immediately transported into a horrible reality much worse than the hand I've been dealt this time? Like its exhausting to think of all the hardships in life, the physical and mental anguish, and then having to think "This was my GOOD life, this was my vacation from actual hell. I get a good life every 1,000 bad lifes. No matter how horrible or pain I've experienced, this was my TIME OFF from suffering." That thought bothers me.
3. Have I misinterpreted something? I've honestly felt like I've experienced God speaking to me, but its always in hindsight. I like to think I get used to seeing the patterns, and can apply them, but I remain as in the dark as ever. I'm usually wondering if I'm zigging when I should be zagging, and if I've misunderstood some core principle that's been beamed to me. At the end of the day, all we really have is pure logic on our side, mixed with a little bit of faith.
4. Pay attention to Covid-like diseases. That's was the start of all of this shit. I remember my line of thinking was "lol yeah right", or like I could decipher who was sick or not. I caught it the same time as a chick I was seeing, and she was fine like 2 weeks later. It's such a crapshoot what viruses effect who, and how, its not really worth risking if you don't have to.
5. Appreciation of my mindset. I've never been the sharpest tool in the shed, or incredibly stupid (for long periods of time), but I'm thankful to have my thoughts and be me usually. Off topic one thing that sucks is my insane needle phobia, another reason I don't feel like going to the ER. But if I can keep the negativity at bay, I can literally always entertain myself in a kind of ignorant bliss. This thread should be evidence of that, just thoughts after thoughts, tangents upon tangents. It's like playing a game constantly in your head. Lots of logic based thoughts like "If this, then this" "If this, and this, then this". The whole simulation theory has a good bit of credibility if you think about it. And while I have the same wants as other dudes, which I was taller or had a higher metabolism or wasn't a bald heady scally wag, but for the most part I wouldn't really want to be anybody else other than me. So thankfulness is a theme, go and have you some near death experiences and it will do wonders for your thankfulness.
I've always had a base belief in God, and then everything else is kind of is what it is. Like too many people said Jesus was a good dude and died for us, so he probably was, and I'm like "Thanks Jesus, I can't believe they say you are jedi lol what a bunch of liars". Muhammad, probably a good dude, lots of good and sound stuff in plenty of religions. I usually tell myself I might as well be realistic about it and be like "Look, if you're going to send me to hell for being a mostly good person and using the logic you gave me to come to these conclusions, then FUCK IT SEND ME TO HELL MOTHERFUCKER!" And then I'm like "Ah shit sorry I'm just pissed because I'm dying and I thought I had another 20 years to fuck off, but seriously what the fuck". And then I'm like "I can't tell if I'm actually sorry or just scared you're going to make my next experience a living hell, so I'm fake sorry and authentic sorry, trying to cover my bases here" You know, just realistic, logical conversations with God, with lots of thank yous and I'm sorrys and the like.
Of course my insurance got screwed up right at the end of 2025 and I won't have coverage until Feb 1st, but I might not make it to Feb 1st, so I might be going to the emergency room soon. And like everybody, I fucking hate the emergency room, and I'll put it off until I'm literally dying (which is kinda the purpose I guess).
I'm the kind of stubborn that, if I know I am right, and data and doctors tell me otherwise, I'll want to prove them right, even if its me waiting until I've got blood coming out of my nose and ears, and stroking out to do it. But common sense is saying with these symptoms continuing, to go get it checked out or I won't get a chance to prove them wrong again. Holy fuck I hate the emergency room. Thank God for Factorio, I'm trying out Pyanodons mod, and that has got to be the hardest most complicated shit I've ever seen in a videogame, but its keeping my brain preoccupied. (It takes like 400 hours to beat if you know what you are doing)
Also pissed because despite my lazy and unmotivated lifestyle, I had BIG plans for the coming years/decade. Some events and things have to take place before I can start. As of now, I don't feel like it would be smart to invite a bunch of stress and chaos into my life as I'm having these health issue. So hopefully I get them resolved so I can continue to happily fuck off until its my time to shine.
Soooo if I don't post again, I'd say I'll see you all in hell, but as you just read, it was more of endless void situation, so probably never talk to you fuckers again. I'd much rather end this "See you in the big bbs forums in the sky" but that doesn't seem to be the case. I don't post or check here often, I feel too lazy to post or reply these days, but I'll maybe update in a few weeks if I'm still here. This was not a pity thread, I don't want your pity (oh fuck it, bring on the pity ), but more so a PSA of what I experienced, and what you might be getting a taste of in the years to come. I was going to make a thread about my experience last year but kept putting it off, but should probably go ahead and post. God Luck and Good speed.
