you can never really capture the full measure of a man on film no matter how he carries himself or how skilled the cameraman or how long his mother nursed him on her marvelous nurturing teat or what pharmaceuticals were in her body with you or how tenderly your father fucked her or how picturesque their first meeting or how hidden the context for their lives or the positioning of the boundaries for the moment or the larger episode i’ll save you some time even the general epoch makes absolutely no difference because that glimmer of aesthetic undeniability cannot be anticipated or prognosed it is beyond what perception can get itself ‘round it is undulating in what lies beneath & yet defines that which hangs above he is an enigma he is nobody he is your daddy he is your boss he is walking your way in a dark alley with a smile & a stare & you see it’s me with my face-peeling instrument
you can't imagine the pride of a new father it's much better than being the old father i was & i was so sick of that tired role always being the husband loyal to the bastard & woman both i was so sick living beholden to those fucking people providing for them making sure they don't kill each other believe me they would (they had me to make sure) & i never let the police set foot in our home not even when the neighbor told them i was hallucinating my family because i knew very well that my neighbor was a hallucination & the officer was playing into my meth delusion to try to get inside the house so i had a new baby, now i'm a new father & a new man with new drugs
despite appearances i think this is all going really well & you've been so good to yourself this year that i want to show you what's going to matter for the next year & the next year & more after that & i want you to get excited because it's all anybody will be talking about for a while & when you see you'll understand why because it's everything we've talked about, it's all that & more, you're going to love it, i love how much you love it because your face will love it i love your face when it loves it for it looks lovingly at it your face looks lovingly i love your face looking lovingly for the ephemeral taste on my teeth my tongue the lovely taste of your loving looking face