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The Recovery Thread (The Other TRT)
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2020-06-06 at 3:01 PM UTC
Originally posted by CASPER Ah. Arent you still on probation? As much id like to get fucked up and melt away into something other than the grinding poppimg ball of fat and fire and pain i am right now, the prospect of getting sucked back in to that whole fucked up tornado and losing another 13 years scares the shit out of me.
Take that for what its worth. It took a lot of work to get you where you are now. Being able to be there for people n stuff.
Yeah I ended up just going to sleep. I got triggered by something which is no longer bothering me. Something I need to watch out for in the future. I really dont want to get high, even though I know I can get away with it. It's not the point, I owe it to my family first of all. Second I'm just tired man, it's too much work maintaining dual lives. I like the steadiness and consistency that sobriety brings. Plus if I just kick back there are so many blessings coming my way.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-06-06 at 3:02 PM UTC
Originally posted by CASPER Idk I also know a lot of people who are just permanently retarded.
You aren’t comparing yourself to a retarded person are ya?A guy in my NA meeting was 32 years clean. He cries at every meeting. Hes overweight with dandruff. He finally got a job at a car wash after being unemployed for 3 years.
Sounds nothing like you.Im inclined to think some people just arent happy or well adjusted people.
You’re not one of them. -
2020-06-06 at 3:03 PM UTC
Originally posted by Headspin Yeah I ended up just going to sleep. I got triggered by something which is no longer bothering me. Something I need to watch out for in the future. I really dont want to get high, even though I know I can get away with it. It's not the point, I owe it to my family first of all. Second I'm just tired man, it's too much work maintaining dual lives. I like the steadiness and consistency that sobriety brings. Plus if I just kick back there are so many blessings coming my way.
Would thank 10X -
2020-06-06 at 3:05 PM UTC
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2020-06-06 at 3:07 PM UTCThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-06-06 at 3:08 PM UTC
Originally posted by MexicanMasterRace This is worse than any horror movie good fuck.
Yeah its fucked. He was molested. His breath is awful. Hes been in the same apartment for 17 years. Hes got a good heart but hes just sad and hopeless and with no clear way to get out.
It scares the shit out of me. I already feel like ive made some mistakes too much to fully pull out of, but if i was 50-something in his position..... idk what id do. I just just tried to envision it and it made me imagine sinking a knife into my arm bc i think my brain equates the two things. Ive learned that Immediate immense pain causes less suffering in the long run than just slowly deteriorating and losing yourself. Its like being buried alive with a feeding tube and feeling yourself start to rot.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-06-06 at 3:10 PM UTC
Originally posted by Headspin Yeah I ended up just going to sleep. I got triggered by something which is no longer bothering me. Something I need to watch out for in the future. I really dont want to get high, even though I know I can get away with it. It's not the point, I owe it to my family first of all. Second I'm just tired man, it's too much work maintaining dual lives. I like the steadiness and consistency that sobriety brings. Plus if I just kick back there are so many blessings coming my way.
My mans.
Also i forgot to reply to ur other thing and now i cant find it. Yeah im down to meet up sometime. We can hunt space ghosts n beat niggas with squeegees or whatever.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-06-06 at 3:14 PM UTC
Originally posted by Technologist You aren’t comparing yourself to a retarded person are ya?
Sounds nothing like you.
You’re not one of them.
1) yes
2) Im a complete slob to has to summon energy to even drag myself in the shower, and i dont remember the last time i was genuinely happy or satisfied with anything in my life. Or i take that back i think i was like 10 or whenever i went to the grand canyon.
3)Idk we’ll see. My grandpa was the same way. My mom is the same way. We’re just not happy people. We can act normal to blend in, but were all intensely unhappy. My mom and i havent said i love you in like3 or 4 years, and i dont think ive hugged her since last year. We’re weird. -
2020-06-06 at 3:14 PM UTC
Originally posted by Technologist I read this earlier and said, Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Its fucked up how I'm so willing to shut on everybody I love and throw all I've worked for down the toilet at a moment's notice.
Casper you ain't permafried brotha, that dude with the head lice aint you by comparison unless comparing a turd to a bowl of honey.
I mean I dont know you exceptionally well or anything, but I remember you back in the day and you were always on it. Even now you seem like you still got your mind and head about you. Motivation can be a key factor into wanting to tap into what were capable of. I personally have issues with that. Some days I feel the repair I've done to my brain over the years away from the heavy meth use, and some days in in such a fog that I wonder if I'll ever be able to have a normal fucking life. Either way dude, you cant compare yourself to unfortunate fuckers like ththe one you mentioned. You're worth more than that, guaranteed.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-06-06 at 3:15 PM UTC
Originally posted by CASPER Yeah its fucked. He was molested. His breath is awful. Hes been in the same apartment for 17 years. Hes got a good but hes just sad and hopeless and with no clear way to get out.
It scares the shit out of me. I already feel like ive made some mistakes to fully pull out of, but if i was 50-something in his position….. idk what id do. I just just tried to envision it and it made me imagine sinking a knife into my arm bc i think my brain equates the two things. Ive learned that Immediate immense pain causes less suffering in the long run than just slowly deteriorating and losing yourself. Its like being buried alive with a feeding tube and feeling yourself start to rot.
I've thought of doing this so many times but I know I'd regret it immediately after, and I don't really want the embarrassment of 'why u stab urself'. Not even cutting just a good stab into flesh like I deserve. -
2020-06-06 at 3:16 PM UTC
Originally posted by CASPER My mans.
Also i forgot to reply to ur other thing and now i cant find it. Yeah im down to meet up sometime. We can hunt space ghosts n beat niggas with squeegees or whatever.
Sounds good brotha. We can figure out some fun shit to do no doubt. I come up to LA all the time for work, I wonder of I ever rolled through where you're at. -
2020-06-06 at 3:20 PM UTC
Originally posted by CASPER Im inclined to think some people just arent happy or well adjusted people.
I'm not inclined to think, i know this to be the case. This is going to sound depressing but the cause and effect relationship between drugs and happiness gets a little blurry over time so. You don't just fall into the bad crowd and start a heroin habit, or any habit for that matter. There's some underlying emotional issues that make you inclined to pursue that kind of behavior in the first place. And you could be 10 years clean or 30 years clean there is a difference between clean and hapy. just like there is a difference between being addicted and unhappy. Rock bottom, is a thousand miles away from clean and clean is a thousand miles away from happy.
You need more than to be clean to be happy. So after you fix your drug issue, you'll need to fix your emotional issues. Although i am sure you know that. However, "arent happy or well adjusted people" is synonymous with "unresolved emotional issues" in my thinking.
Luckily you're smart enough to realize this, people that don't are your NA clean for 30 years dandruff boy, etc. -
2020-06-06 at 3:20 PM UTC
Originally posted by Headspin Its fucked up how I'm so willing to shut on everybody I love and throw all I've worked for down the toilet at a moment's notice.
Casper you ain't permafried brotha, that dude with the head lice aint you by comparison unless comparing a turd to a bowl of honey.
I mean I dont know you exceptionally well or anything, but I remember you back in the day and you were always on it. Even now you seem like you still got your mind and head about you. Motivation can be a key factor into wanting to tap into what were capable of. I personally have issues with that. Some days I feel the repair I've done to my brain over the years away from the heavy meth use, and some days in in such a fog that I wonder if I'll ever be able to have a normal fucking life. Either way dude, you cant compare yourself to unfortunate fuckers like ththe one you mentioned. You're worth more than that, guaranteed.
Im just sure he wasnt quite as fucked up when he was 31 either. At whatI have moments but mostly the stuff that used to be in my mind is like a piece of fruit that i cant get to until it falls out of the tree rotten. Bill Krozby just called and the minute i have to make words i feel half retarded. I wasnt near as dead on totse as i feel now. Back then i was just high and unfocused. Now im just diffuse and blurry and spaced out and slow. Its shitty. -
2020-06-06 at 3:21 PM UTC
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2020-06-06 at 3:25 PM UTC
Originally posted by CASPER Im just sure he wasnt quite as fucked up when he was 31 either. At whatI have moments but mostly the stuff that used to be in my mind is like a piece of fruit that i cant get to until it falls out of the tree rotten. Bill Krozby just called and the minute i have to make words i feel half retarded. I wasnt near as dead on totse as i feel now. Back then i was just high and unfocused. Now im just diffuse and blurry and spaced out and slow. Its shitty.
Haha that was really your number?
Eh I feel you though. For me right now the only thing that keeps me out of that kind of thing is the grind. But i was also locked up half a decade and i just enjoy having new experiences. I'm trying to find something in passionate about, I feel like that's another piece to the jigsaw I need to obtain.
Originally posted by CASPER Im like 5 min from LAX
Word, I'll actually be going through there likely to fly back to Jersey for my dads memorial. -
2020-06-06 at 3:32 PM UTC
Originally posted by Sophie I'm not inclined to think, i know this to be the case. This is going to sound depressing but the cause and effect relationship between drugs and happiness gets a little blurry over time so. You don't just fall into the bad crowd and start a heroin habit, or any habit for that matter. There's some underlying emotional issues that make you inclined to pursue that kind of behavior in the first place. And you could be 10 years clean or 30 years clean there is a difference between clean and hapy. just like there is a difference between being addicted and unhappy. Rock bottom, is a thousand miles away from clean and clean is a thousand miles away from happy.
You need more than to be clean to be happy. So after you fix your drug issue, you'll need to fix your emotional issues. Although i am sure you know that. However, "arent happy or well adjusted people" is synonymous with "unresolved emotional issues" in my thinking.
Luckily you're smart enough to realize this, people that don't are your NA clean for 30 years dandruff boy, etc.
Oh yeah i definitely started doing drugs because i was an introvert and engaging in taboos was a way to bond with people superficially. It also gave me a default identity where i had none.
Theres definitely still emotional issues but no matter how much moral inventorying and soul searching, if ive lobotomized myself my gains are going to be pretty limited. Ive talked to people who abused meth and MDMA for years, and although theyve restructured his life to be manageable, he said hes never really been happy again.
i dont even know where to start to fix my life. I know the things i need to do, but i dont have the energy to do them or do them well. And im so painfully logical about stuff, that i ealize a lot of these things wouldnt be complete for years and years. Which would mean being almost 40 when i got to start living a life id enjoy and be proud of.
Idk. I didnt intend to bitch about stuff. Im not even depressed anymore, im kinda just resigned for the time being. I thought id feel a lot different after being off heroin 18 months. -
2020-06-06 at 3:42 PM UTCI feel like happiness is overrated. I aspire for greatness, and that for me, means giving up on conventional ideas of what it means to be a human.
Ey but you know, purpose or feeling like one has purpose is a different story -
2020-06-06 at 4:33 PM UTCits easier just to dieThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-06-06 at 4:44 PM UTC
Originally posted by Headspin I feel like happiness is overrated. I aspire for greatness, and that for me, means giving up on conventional ideas of what it means to be a human.
Ey but you know, purpose or feeling like one has purpose is a different story
I didn't mean shallow happiness by any stretch of the imagination. Purpose and meaning will give long lasting happiness, also motivation, since i read you say something with regards to motivation.
If you feel there's a purpose to something it becomes easier. What's that saying? Give a man a why and he can bear almost any how? I think it's applicable. -
2020-06-06 at 4:57 PM UTC
Originally posted by Sophie I didn't mean shallow happiness by any stretch of the imagination. Purpose and meaning will give long lasting happiness, also motivation, since i read you say something with regards to motivation.
If you feel there's a purpose to something it becomes easier. What's that saying? Give a man a why and he can bear almost any how? I think it's applicable.
Yeah that was Dr. Frankl, I read that book, it was actually what I was thinking of when I said that. I wasnt responding to you specifically, just expressing a thought. But you're right there is definitely a difference I think in shallow emotions which are typically what people think about when you talk about them and the deeper more profound types of emotion.
I'm with you on the idea of working through emotional issues, its key in developing any sense of recovery lifestyle I think. Luckily I was blessed with an experience where I had a lot of time and a good platform to do such type of inner work. The hospital setting I was incarcerated at has you do this specifically, among a lot of other things. That's work is what I attribute not responding to my father's death with any kind of intensity.
I have a book called emotional intelligence sitting on my shelf that I really want to finish. This sort of thing is a lifelong process for sure, and after enough is accomplished and a personality change occurs maintenance is just as important.
