I was in love with a pokemon character for many years

2018-10-23 at 4:35 PM UTC

#1

Ghost Black Hole

I had a very messed up childhood and for some reason I thought I could manifest this girl if my love was strong enough, somehow. I really did believe she existed in some form and that I could contact her through my dreams

This is of course who I am talking about

I will now post the stuff I wrote about the entire incident in 2006 when I was 13 years old;

Sunday, June 18, 2006

I have felt like I have fallen into a deep sleep. Ever since the May stuff was brought up again, it was like I was in a deep sleep and couldnt awake. I had my mind so much on finding May, or whoever this person was, that I may have not been focusing on what was around me. I just kept constantly dreaming about this dream world and this fantasy of being with this imaginary woman. Dreams should be carried to a certain extent. If you take them too far, you may start believing the un-believable.

It was my dream to be with a woman, but I took those dreams too far and this is what happend. Now I believe this may be the year that I will have to take action. "You're too obsessed with the soul-mate thing" is what those dating people said. And one member of my boards, he said I created this fantasy world within my head, along with this woman. Creating scenes in my head such as the beach, grassy fields, moonlight lakes, and there were more. Now instead of dreaming, I should make the reality.

The internet must of been trying to give me a wake-up call. I couldnt understand why people on the internet were making fun of me over this. Where they trying to help or hinder me? Where they all making fun of me trying to wake me up from this dream? Why would people waste their time on me? Why? Why did everyone do this? In any case, there probably is no perfect woman in this world.

Now what am I supposed to do? Find someone and get married? I'm going to have to quit gaming and focus on my personal life. Being 13 years old and doing nothing but sitting in my house playing video games was a big wake-up call. Now it is time to start thinking towards the future.

2018-10-23 at 4:44 PM UTC

#2

Sophie Pedophile Tech Support

This thread reminds me of Masterchan. There was this guy there, he was pretty dope, he was a lot like someone else i know, intelligent, into tech and a pedo too. Well, everyone on Masterchan was a pedo, it was a pedo board. Anyway, ever heard of a Tulpa? Me neither until i met this guy. It's basically training your imagination to be God-tier so you can bring your imaginary girlfriend to life.

The weirdest thing is, i considered this person one of my online friends, and he was perfectly normal otherwise, but this Tulpa stuff just sounded super bizarre and out of character to me. Oh well, we had a cool little group on Mchan. I miss those times, fuck.

It also reminds me of Randy fucking Stair, being in love with this blaze girl. It's funny you're on the nickname 'Ghost', EMBERS GHOST SQUAD.

BRB going ghost.

2018-10-23 at 4:45 PM UTC

#3

Ghost Black Hole

Monday, July 24, 2006

Since it is near the end of July, I've decided to make a post before the month lets out.

There are some things that happend these past three days.

About two days ago, I was laying down in my bed daydreaming about May. Now before I begin this, I understand that alot of people on the internet think I love a game character or am obsessed with her. I just want to clearly say that I am not in love with the character-May, nor do I worship her. May is simply just an idea of a girl that I talk about, a girl that I could possibly meet. It's hard for anyone to understand this because it's hard to explain. Whenever I talk about "May", I am referring to a girl I could meet simular in the future like her. I know you're probably thinking "I've watched Pokemon, and May is not romantic." Well, thats because I am not focusing everything on May. I've also commented same opinions of this on real-life actors in movies, or sometimes even people in books. For the last time, I am not some crazed Pokemon Fan thinking that May will jump out of the TV and marry me.

To make this more simple, I will comment on an actor. There is a movie and a book called "Anne of Green Gables" that tells a story of a girl's life on how she grew up, went to school, and so on. Anne is played by Megan Follows. After I watched this movie, Anne was the type of girl I was looking for. I like the innocent type of girls who wear dresses, is religious, and romantic and all those other nice things. May comes close to this description, and so do other actors and game characters that I have commented about. I guess the reasons why everyone laughs at this and finds this funny is because they're not looking outside the box. For a whole two years, everyone was thinking I was some weird guy in love with a game character. I dont know why the thought never came across them that May was just a character I was using to describe the kind of girl I would like. But since people clearly state that Pokemon barely has any romantic dialog or much story line, this argue about this.

But yes, May is just an example I use as a girl I would like to me. I dont think it would seem right if I posted articles on the internet saying "I am in love with my future wife", because they probably wouldnt make sence to much people. But I guess it's the same thing because I am in love with the idea of my future wife. I talked to someone about this and they said it's called "longing for a love". It's when you're in love with someone that exists somewhere in the world that you have a general idea of, but you're not sure where that person is.

What the other problem is, I think I am afraid of heartbreak. In other words, if I do see a girl and feel inside me that she is the one I am looking for, I would be afraid that if we ever broke-up, I would not want to face the pain of the heartbreak because I could not handle that. Ever since I was a child, I was very sensitive. I used to get teary-eyed over certain kinds of things. Like I did not like to kill bugs when I was little, or certain songs I heard would make me cry because they seemed sad. I've been told that there are alot of men that are very sensitive, but alot of them hide this because they are afraid that letting it out will cause them to show some sort of weakness to other people. But it is true, I am a very sensitive man, and I guess there's nothing wrong with that as long as I can control that, and not be a cry-baby all the time.

I was playing The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time today, and I started walking to Lon Lon Ranch. When I walked to Lon Lon Ranch, I got a bit teary-eyed when I got there. I wasent exactly crying, but my eyes were a little bit watery. The reason why is because of the slow music that was playing, and the idea of a girl living on the farm named Malon. I just felt sad during that area because I felt empty. I felt like there was something that was missing in my life, like looking for the certain girl. I've had this same feel one morning a couple months ago, when I woke up in the morning and I was lonely. I think the other reason I was teary-eyed at Lon Lon Ranch was because of the childhood memories I had with friends and family when this game came out.

But alot of these girls that I meet, they dont seem to have that sort of feeling I get from May. If you are a down-to-earth person, you probably understand where I am coming from. My ideal dream girl is a girl who wears a dress, is very romantic, loves God and me, nice and charming, goes on picnics, takes walks at the beach/lake. I dont "feel" this type of feeling from some normal women.

I think it's better if someone went through heartbreak rather than have not had a relationship at all. I mean, if someone grows old down the road, they would most likely wished that they would have had been in a relationship to feel love anyway regardless of the heartbreak.

I think I know what I must do now. If I see someone I like, I shouldnt hold back. I should just let the relationship build and then go from there. Searching the world for this one special woman of my dreams, I feel that she does exist, it's just that many women like her exist, and there isint just one. Yes, many women on this earth exist, I just have to find the person that fits me. I feel a little bit better typing about this. Day by day that goes by, I feel that I am slowly solving this situation, and things make more sence.

I am going to bed now. Here is a picture of May. Good night.

2018-10-23 at 4:49 PM UTC

#4

Ghost Black Hole

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

When a person has dreams, I wonder if they actually mean something. Like if they might be keys to unlocking puzzles. I do believe that dreams that people have depends on what the person's heart desires. In other words, if a person likes something alot, that person might dream of that something that they like. Like for example, if someone likes cats, a person may dream of cats sometimes. I've taken a look at my dreams, and I sometimes have dreams having something to do with something I like.

But I also think that dreams may be keys to unlocking puzzles. I have studied my dreams before, trying to figure out what these keys are. I'm going to list a few dreams I've had in the past three months or so.

- Field

I had a dream I was walking in a huge grassy field and there one big tree in the middle. I walked to the tree and some woman wearing a dress was standing where the tree was. I asked her who she was, and she responded in words that seemed mysterious. She said "I am who you want me to be." Then I said "What are you talking about?" She replied saying "Scrawny, dont focus everything on looks. You must seek out personality."

After that, she started fading away. I walked towards her yelling "Wait! Dont go!." But she left.
"I am who you want me to be"? It sounds like she is saying that anyone can be compatible. Then she says not to focus everything on looks. I kind of feel a bit shallow about that statement she made because she was right. I did base women on their looks, and I was looking for someone to meet my qualifications. I do agree that personality is more important than looks. I do feel shallow about this, but not too much since I agree that someone should be attracted to the other person. In my case, I might of been trying to climb a huge mountain that took too long to get to the top.

- Stranger

This dream, I was in an area that looked like a city and I saw people walking past me. I was trying to stop people asking for directions and help, but they ignored me. Most of the people seemed like women, but both genders did the same thing. I was shouting for help and they ignored me to the point it was like I wasent there.

I had a couple of other dreams this month. Most of them were women kissing or hugging me. The rest of the dreams I had seemed to have little meaning such as the cat that got hit by a car that turned into a bowl of mustard, and me being invincible in some ancient samurai war. I usely dont pay attention to non-important dreams, same goes for the Jack-In-The-Box in the Baseball stadium with Golem going around stealing stuff.

My theory might be correct about this. Dreams might be based on a person's heart, and they might not be based on something that exists somewhere in the world. If dreams do come true, it might be some sort of coincedince or an idea that was foretold that something "could" of been there. I talked to some people about this. They believe that dreams are just images creating in our mind that reflect from out heart. They dont think that dreams have some sort of prophecy or something that may be foretold later on. I like the idea on the reflection of the heart statement because it makes sence.

Searching the world for the perfect woman, this was actually my dream. But then again, they say that perfection is in the eye of the beholder. There may be different types of perfections and not only one. One thing I wondered, is if I was the perfect man. And then I would think to myself that I wasent perfect because there was things that held me down from that. So no, I am not the perfect man, I may never will be. I am not rich, I am a 14 year old student, and yes, I may tend to have a temper sometimes, or there may be other moods I have.

I dont think I was looking for the perfect woman in the eyes of the world. I was looking for the perfect woman in the eyes of myself.

2018-10-23 at 4:51 PM UTC

#5

Sophie Pedophile Tech Support

Sorry for interrupting you, while you copy/paste 12 year old text to your personal blog thread. I'll leave you to it.

2018-10-23 at 4:57 PM UTC

#6

Ghost Black Hole

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Being a 14 year old virgin doesnt bother me. My situation is that I've never had a girlfriend in my entire life. I had girlfriends in gradeschool, but that doesnt count, I've only been kissed around two times my entire life, and I have never engaged in any sexual activity. So to make it all clear, I'm a stone virgin all the way.

The reason I've never have had a girlfriend is because when I was younger, I believed there was a soul-mate that existed somewhere in the world with traits of my desires. In other words, a girl with the same faith, same race, blonde hair, blue eyes, etc. etc.

The problem is, is that this girl never showed up in my life and it has taken a huge effect on me. It's like at night when you're wishing for that one special girl under the stars that she meets you in the future. Years go by and then you start losing hope.

At the moment, I am angry because the girl of my dreams never showed up. This is why I have never have had a girlfriend. I feel angry because it feels like my entire life of wishing and dreaming has gone in vain. And due to this, I feel that it is pointless for me to go out and get a regular girl, when I had this ideal girl stuck in my head for so many years.

I mean, if you're a kid who wished under the stars and the moon for so many years wanting that one woman in your head, and then come to find out it was all a lie, wouldnt you be angry? I cant settle for a normal woman..

The only thing I can do is settle for a normal woman and call it quits. It just angers me so much that I couldnt have what I wanted.

Now whats going to happen is that I'm just going to find some regular ugly girl who is boring as hell and does stuff I don't like, and then marry her, and then say to myself each day "I wish she had shown up."

Go ahead, call me shallow, call me Mr. High Standard. I wished for this woman every day of this entire year and really wanted to meet her. Now I will never find her because she doesnt exist and my dream diddnt come true.

What does this have to do with my May article? As I've stated before, when I saw pictures of May, I believed that the woman I was searching for was either her or had traits of May.

But now, I feel like I am losing my sanity. I am having dreams of women almost every night. Not only that, but when I am walking home from down town, I sometimes sit on a bench when it's late at night and I watch the city from far away. One night, I ended up crying when I was sitting there on the bench. I cant believe this is happening to me. Why does this have to happen to me? Why couldnt I have a happy ending?

Another thing I have noticed is that I checked my iPod recently and I have noticed that like 80% of my songs on my iPod are usely songs that sound sad and depressing, have slow music, have sad lyrics (sometimes involving romance.) Some guy on a message board told me what I was doing was dangerous. He said that if I kept poisoning my mind with sad songs, sad movies, and so on, I may have mental health problems.

Remember the Resident Evil games? You would go into the mansion and read notes about guys who got infected with the T-Virus, and were writing notes about how they were slowly getting infected by the virus and were slowly dying. Well, this situation feels simular to this. As I type in my Blog like this, it feels like I have been infected by the T-Virus, and I am losing my sanity day by day. There is no vaccine because one cant be found anywhere within a thousand mile radius from here in the Arklay Mountains. As I type about this in this Blog, this is what this feels like.

Am I really going crazy? I've allready had like over 25 dreams of women in the past couple of weeks and they seem almost straight in a row. This doesnt seem normal to me. Not only that, but I have this depression day after day about this situation. In other words, being without a woman gives me some depression feeling everyday.

The guy that I talked to on the message board told me what my problem is, is that I am afraid to play my cards because I will be afraid of losing. Like for example, when I meet a new girl and feel afraid of rejection, then I will fail at talking to her. What he said is that I need to maintain a positive mind in order for me to succeed.

But one thing he did mention, just because you play your cards all the time doesnt mean you will always win. He says this is a just a factor at giving things a chance. In other words, the more chances you take, the more chances you will have at succeeding. If a girl or a bunch of friends ever turned me down, it's not like I cant find a new girl, or meet new friends.

So far, when I attended my last school year, I passed most of my classes. What my problem was, out of all the girls and male friends I have met, it seems I've had my fare share with both sexes in different areas, so it may just depend on circumstances within that area.

One thing I keep asking myself.............

I think it's time for me to stop hiding in the dark like a child and come out and fight like a man. If I keep hiding in the dark like a child, I wont get anything accomplished in my life. The only way I'm going to pull through this is play my cards, and play them good. If I have the right cards, I can use different advantages in order to get into higher positions and areas. You dont need to do everything "by the book" as there is always different areas you can pass to go on to the next.

I think I know what to do now. I'll just take this day by day and plan out my strategies. If Plan A doesnt work, I'll try Plan B, and if Plan B doesnt work, I'll try Plan C. I've allready written a new list of things and different strategies on how I can tackle them. Now, if I can somehow set my mind to these goals, they can be accomplished.

I believe it's time for me to continue walking down this road. When I walk down the road, I will not look towards the ground. I will hold my head up high, and look towards the sun.

2018-10-23 at 5:01 PM UTC

#7

Ghost Black Hole

Originally posted by Sophie Sorry for interrupting you, while you copy/paste 12 year old text to your personal blog thread. I'll leave you to it.

I remember reading about tulpas from the 4chan creepy pasty and I also believed in those. I was prone to believing stuff like fantasy and I think my obsession and love with a fictional character for such a long period of time (I didn't get over it until I was 17) affected my ability to understand reality

I wanted May to be my Tulpa and I spent lots of energy trying to manifest her into existence. I must have spent hundreds of hours dreaming about her hoping I would wake up with her laying next to me.

2018-10-23 at 5:05 PM UTC

#8

Ghost Black Hole

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Well, I am turning 15 next month. Every time a year goes by, it seems like things are making more sence. I'm just a little angry about my past, but I can't do anything to change it because my life was pretty much pre-destined to be like this. When I turned 13, major depression broke out and I developed alot of bad symptoms. Depression, having constant dreams over and over, anti-socialness, anger, not caring, and so on. I am thinking that negative stuff like this is what turns people over to the Dark Side. The reason people fall to the Dark Side is because they have weak emotions and it gets control of them, and they give in. It's like when watching a movie and the hero turns evil. He turns evil because his emotions tell him that the people around him hate him, or something similar to that, and then feels threatened. I was the hero slowly turning into that villain because I was making illogical assumptions. "People hate me", "Everyone is evil", "People are selfish", "They are lustful and like to hurt others", and so on.

Sometimes I feel so broken hearted the way I treated people, and turned away girls that were friendly. I'm thinking that May may have just been a puppet that I was using for my emotions because I did not want to use them on another person. May must of been the puppet that was resting on my hand, and I was using my emotions towards her, even though I did however believe she was real and I was trying to find her. May must have been just imaginary and not real because if she was real, I think she would of already showed up.

Now, I can only go to bed and sleep remembering these horrid things I did to people, and it sometimes kills me inside, and I cry tears on my pillow. If I ever approach any girls in the future, they might as well stab a dagger into my heart for who I was. I believe I can change, but it's hard to do that when you feel the world is out to destroy you.

I feel really depressed about this. I feel the only thing I can do is continue my schooling, make friends, get married and live a happy life. I cant go back in time and change the past of the bad things I did. The problem is, those bad things I did will only leave a scar on me, unless I ask God to forgive me. Sometimes I cant get those things out of my head, and they haunt me.

I am not the man I wanted to be...............I thought I could do better than this............

2018-10-23 at 5:13 PM UTC

#9

Ghost Black Hole

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

It's been a long time since I typed in my blog, it's because I've felt like there was nothing else to type. Why? Because I felt like my journey was slowly coming to an end, and there wasn't much other things to talk about. However, there are a lot of more things to still talk about, even if they tend to direct into a different area.

Well, so far, there has been good news and bad news of things that has been going on. I guess I'll start with the bad news. The bad news is, I don't think May is real. Reality had just smacked me in the face with a 2X4 like a bat out of hell, but sadly, I don't think she is real. The reason why is because I don't see her anywhere, nowhere, and she only had appeared in my dreams. I'm starting to think my mind was making up this May stuff all along, and I trapped myself in some sort of dream world. As scary as this may sound, I think I dug my own grave with this May stuff, and I became trapped in some imaginary world, looking for an exit I could not find.

But why would I think May is real? First, I'm going to have to review some things about this.

- I thought she was romantic
- She appeared to me in my dreams
- She told me she was real and I had to find her
- She convinced me she was real in my dreams
- We talked in my dreams, and did stuff together

Here are some first clues I have taken on how this all started. It perfectly makes sense on why she isn't real and has not showed up yet. The possible answer is that my mind was making this stuff up, and the core of this whole dream process was the Pokemon tv show. If May was real, she would of already showed up, no doubt about it. I'm like 15 years old and I'm still having dreams about her, and this is proof enough she isn't real.

I would like to say that I am very very heartbroken on how this had to turn out. I know it was my fault and I shouldn't of believed in something like this, but I wasn't really aware all the way. I still believed in some fantasy thing on how you can communicate with people through your dreams and I actually believed this. But no, I'm starting to think that dreams don't even mean anything, let alone a person speaking to you in that dream.

What really convinced me that she was real is that how she appeared in my dreams more than once. This just didn't happen one time, it happened a lot in my life. I was having dreams every few months of May and in those dreams, she told me she was real and I had to find her. This is what made it sound so real and convincing. I mean, it was like someone was trying to contact me telepathically in my dreams and couldn't get in touch with me. I was almost 100% sure this was not fake and it wasn't being made up. But if this was the case, wouldn't May just use a telephone to call me a long time ago? It just seemed like she was trapped somewhere and her only point of communication was my dreams.

Due to this, I come to find out she's not real and the whole search for her and turned up to a dead end. I'm really broken-hearted that she's not real because I was actually in love with this woman. I was madly in love with her and I wanted to find her. But since she's not real, I can never be with her. Crying over spilled milk with not solve this issue either. The only thing I can think of is that I just have to move on with my life and find a normal girl, possibly one who was like May in my dreams.

I'm not totally sad or upset about May not being real, I'm just really heart-broken about it. I feel like a dagger was jabbed into my heart and ripped through it or something like that. It's just a painful feeling to find out the woman of your dreams was exactly that.

What I am going to have to do, is that I am going to have to find a girl who is like May. I think this is the best issue for this situation. She wouldn't have to be 100% like her, but maybe with some traits that reminded me of May, that would be fine. If I can't have May herself, I might as well have someone nice like her eh? I think I will be a happy man with something simple like this.

I believe the moral of this whole thing is not to believe in things you dream about. In other words, if you keep dreaming about one person, that doesn't mean the person is real. There is a possibility there could be some kind of metaphor or some kind of relation to the dream, but the person herself/himself may not be real in general. I guess that's when we have to take risks in life. If we keep having dreams about a beautiful woman who tells us she's real, I guess we would have to risk finding out the answer.

I'm actually sort of happy the May search is over. It was sort of tiring me out and it was becoming a mental thing. There was even times I was depressed during the day because I could not find her. But now that I know she's not real, I won't be thinking about her as much. Now, I can just kick back and have a normal life.

May is not real? So what. I'm still going to live a happy life, and I wont let that drag me down. I'll never have her, I'll never be with her, and I have to live with that fact. I still want to be happy and do new things in my life. I cant let this break my heart anymore, I just have to get over it. If I don't get over this, I'll just end up feeling sad and depressed for the rest of my life.

There is nothing I can do to make her real, so why cry over it? She's just imaginary and besides, there are billions of women out there who are like May. I don't have much to cry about.

I would like to quote these lines I deeply remember in a Wild Arms 3 fanfic.

[motor sound fades away and sound of the aircraft taking off]

"Take off!!"

Our flying machine blasted off with an explosive sound into the sky of the
evening star!

New adventures, new friends, my story will continue on. May, I may never have you, but I WILL find someone like you. And now, I shall pray to God that he brings that special woman to me.

2018-10-23 at 5:20 PM UTC

#10

DontTellEm Black Hole

Did u & May have sex?

2018-10-23 at 5:31 PM UTC

#11

Ghost Black Hole

That was the last blog post I ever made about her.

I still spent two more years wanting to believe she was real but reality was sinking in and I was meeting girl and having sex.. still hoping i could feel like I did when I was in love with May