BradleyB's Rock Bottom -- Recovery Thread

2015-11-01 at 9:42 PM UTC

#1

Bradley Black Hole

[FONT=arial]Most of you know me pretty well and about my love of 211s so I will just gloss over it quickly before I start.

I am a 24 year old alcoholic, drug addict, and criminal. My addiction mostly stems from drinking alcohol, though I do like synthetic marijuana a lot. I've never had a problem using other drugs besides from the synthetic weed which I compulsively smoke until I run out and then just go without. The alcohol I wouldn't let myself go without.

For six and a half months I didn't drink from about December of 2014 till July 3rd 2015. I came back in full force and truthfully hadn't been sober because of the large amounts of k2, prescription amphetamines I was using.

My fiance I was with for what would have been six years ten days from now hated my drinking at the end of 2014 and my drug use while i wasn't drinking. Effectively I had traded one addiction for another.

Between July and August I went back full force and was drinking 2 to 3 four packs of Steel Reserve 211 a day on top of vodka (when I went out).

For those of you live in third world countries that don't sell steel reserve it is a malt liquor (the can says "Fine Malt Liquor" but I'm not convinced). It is the cheapest alcohol one can consistently drink and it's not hard liquor so my alcoholic mom (who I lived with since I went back to drinking in July) and my ex fiance preferred to me drinking hard liquor. It is sold for $2.55 for a 4 pack of 20ounce cans and packs a punch at 8.1% Alcohol Content. I also stopped drinking vodka daily in part to a seizure I had in the spring of 2014 when I ran out of vodka and had been consuming 1.25 liters a day + a 4 pack of the Steel Reserve.

I suffered from physical and mental symptoms the last time (at the end of September) manifesting itself in the following ways:
-Shakes/Tremors of the hands (majorly) and the head (minor) in the morning.
-Inability to Eat unless having consumed two cans of steel reserve already (hence why i did my cooking show Cooking with ZyclonB and BradleyB[/FONT][FONT=AppleSDGothicNeo-Regular][FONT=arial]Â© so drunk)
-Inability to Sleep (though this never was a problem because every day I sourced the alcohol)
-Being a malt liquor drinking nigger.
-Not understanding that my ex was pretty much leaving me for good.
-Not taking care of my arthritis, made worse by compounds found in the malt liquor.
-Pain in the kidneys/liver.
-Suicidal thoughts/Depression.
-Constant obsessive need to drink one more, not wanting to drink in the morning but needing to get well.
-Sweats in the early morning when i'd wake up.

Well then the police called me out of the blue and wanted to talk about some vandalism. My buddy had told me I whipped a steel reserve can through this kid's house (dude was a total faggot I picked on at the bar a lot), since it was a tall boy and a full can, it obviously shattered his window. I then may or may not have run up and pissed in the window, my buddy said I did but I don't think I'd do that considering the noise that'd it make.

Anyway, it was a block down the street from the bank that I used to go to until they closed their lobby. Not realizing their drive up ATM had cameras pointed at the road I was caught on security camera footage. Still don't know how the cops just *knew* it was me, but it's a small suburb of Milwaukee and like I said I've been causing crime here for awhile (my whole life).

So when I went to the police station to deny the allegations, they showed me some stills from the footage. I refused to accept what I did and the stills showed a 5'8-6'2, white male with a small beard, of average build, the note at the bottom said "runs with physical impairment" which is my arthritis.

I told them that's a bunch of horse shit, lots of drunks walk around with an intoxication-induced physical impairment, 5'8 to 6'2 white male of average build? That's not compelling evidence at all plus my mom would verify that I was at home at the time this happened. I deny the charges and will fight these in court to prove my innocence, I told them.

Then they said the unthinkable, "We want to offer you sobriety, the state will not make you pay for the window nor charge you with Criminal Vandalism if you agree to 60 days confinement in the county jail and comply with all forms of treatment."

Not wanting to be on probation, pay tickets, pay for that dumb fuckers window or have new charges I thought this was a good deal. But I am not new at this game they play.

"Have the DA sign a piece of paper saying no charges will be issued for this and I will enter in a no contest agreement to your proposal."

They told me I had to agree to it on the spot and admit what I did. I told them no and was arrested.

Before I had a hearing for bail they had the jail staff give me a paper agreement called a Differed Prosecution Agreement
([/FONT][/FONT][FONT=arial][SIZE=14px]A [/SIZE]deferred prosecution agreement[SIZE=14px] (DPA)[/SIZE][SIZE=14px] is a voluntary alternative to [/SIZE]adjudication[SIZE=14px] in which a [/SIZE]prosecutor [SIZE=14px]agrees to grant [/SIZE]amnesty[SIZE=14px] in exchange for the [/SIZE]defendant[SIZE=14px] agreeing to fulfill certain requirements. [/SIZE][SIZE=14px] Fulfillment of the specified requirements will then result in dismissal of the charges[/SIZE]^{) - Wikipedia}[/FONT]

[FONT=AppleSDGothicNeo-Regular, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif, Segoe UI Emoji, Segoe UI Symbol, NotoColorEmoji, EmojiSymbols, Symbola, Noto, Android Emoji, AndroidEmoji, Arial Unicode MS, Zapf Dingbats, AppleColorEmoji, Apple Color Emoji][FONT=arial]outlining the terms they had agreed with me on at the police department. Of course I signed this. The alcohol classes were supposed to start in a week, so i sat in jail, then they canceled[/FONT][/FONT] my classes. It's at this point I got over withdrawal and decided to actually try to live sober. I checked with the court staff and they said as long as I sat the time and was willing to do what they told me during it, i'd still be complying with the DPA. Even if they didn't have me do classes.

So from 9-1 to 11-1 (which is actually 62 days but who's counting?) I sat in a maximum security tier in Milwaukee County House of Corrections and did AA classes. They offered me something called Vivitrol. A once monthly injection that blocks opiate/alcohol receptors in the brain and makes you unable to feel the drink/heroin NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU DO. Effectively if I start drinking, I'll drink drink drink and nothing will happen, then out of no where I black out and pass out and the hang over lasts three or four days. The injection was given to me on the 29th of October at the cost of 800$ which the State paid for as a trial run to test it on alcoholics (they normally do it for heroin users), I'm one of the first two dozen people shot up in Milwaukee County with it for alcoholic recovery.

I'm also doing an outpatient twice a week, three hours a session class. I am eager to work the AA 12 steps and go through everything with a sponsor, I've never had a sponsor or gotten past Step 3 so this is huge for me. I've never really wanted this before.

The out patient place is free but will help me get on BadgerCare (WI state healthcare) which will cover the next shot in 25 days and also help me get my Rheumatoid Arthritis treated which I haven't ever tried to take care of in the last 8 years since I started having it. I'm going to pursue getting Social Security Disability as well. I think I get a FoodStamps/Quest Card right away too.

Since sobriety is boring, I've also started working on a fictional book. Just to kill the time with, I don't think it's that good but I'm very critical of myself and it's about 70 pages deep right now. I like to right to digress my mind before I go to sleep.

I haven't called my sponsor yet but plan to in about a half hour and start going to daily AA meetings. Probably should go to one today, yesterday my best friend came over drunk as fuck after the bar Halloween party closed. I didn't drink but I did start smoking cigarettes again, but if that's the worst part of my issue I'm happy with it.

My fiance the little Mexican lady I love so much talked on the phone and she wants nothing to do with me, doesn't want to text, talk to me, or anything. I don't know if this will change but I think she really hates me. I deserve that after everything I put her through and told her that. That was pretty big for me because normally I try to pursue one last chance.

I don't want to engage in sex with men or really with anyone anymore. At least until I figure out myself and what I need to do for my mind. I need to build up my relationship with Odin again who I neglect when I'm using and drinking a lot.

I miss who I used to be and don't wanna be the Ol' Drunk Ass 211 Drinkin' Bearded Faggot BradleyB anymore. I'd rather just be 'That nice guy who helps me learn/love/life.' I don't know who would ever say that about me or when it'll happen but I have faith.

I owe the Hospital like 2.2k, I owe UW-Whitewater college like 1.3k, and I owe the IRS 3k (even tho it started as 800 like two years ago). I need to handle my affairs and get my life in order. I have like 800$ left to my name.

I'm really scared about living with my Mom who is, right now at 3pm in the afternoon on a Sunday, already slurring her words a little and bitching at me that Netflix isn't working on her Chromebook with the HDMI cord to the TV which I have explained to her about a thousand times how to get going. Right now I'm thinking she just put the TV on the wrong input setting, but she's bitching so I'll have to cut this short.

So shit on me, tell me about how you're proud of my recovery, or just talk about me in general if you want. That's where I've been and this is wearing I'm going to go. I'll be here as always because I love this community so I've decided to open up about what's going on with me.

I'mma go set up my Mom's netflix, grab my smokes, and go outside and make my first introductory call to my AA Sponsor.

Thank you for reading my recovery thread, I will post details later. As I was incarcerated and not able to source alcohol or drugs I am not counting that time as sober time.

I'm very nervous about all of this, but I know it's what I need to do for myself.

Before anyone asks, I'm still not giving up the criminality lifestyle. Just the using and drinking. I love the Business as a whole more than I love myself as a person.

No BradleyB thread is complete without a picture of myself taken today, just after writing all this:

I am considering 11/1/2015 to my first day of recovery.

The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!

2015-11-01 at 9:52 PM UTC

#2

kroz weak whyte, frothy cuck, and former twink

^nice bradley, I've gone through similar stuff recently and I don't want to be the bearded 211 faggot anymore either, leave that shit to tort. I'm trying to cut back myself. Lets live up to our full potential bromo

thats pretty crazy you had to get a shot though to not make you drink.. but as long as it helps you then whatever.

I actually have to go to outpatient rehab for marijuana, despite never being arrested for it, and I've only smoked 1 time in the last year. But that's how Texas rolls

The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!

y36mg

2015-11-01 at 10:02 PM UTC

#3

Bradley Black Hole

Not gonna lie, since you posted "Nice Thread" within about a minute of me posting the link in Tinychat I have a feeling you read till you saw "Not drinking" and then posted a comment.

Though I appreciate your well wishes.

To create discussion, I think it's intriguing to ask. What are you doing to cut back? What was your drinking like before and now? What is your end goal?

Do you find it hard to go sober days (if you're abstaining entire days?) and if so what are you doing to go without?

2015-11-01 at 10:18 PM UTC

#4

kroz weak whyte, frothy cuck, and former twink

I'm going to cut back because I want to workout, read more, find work again, be more social, not fuck slutty bitches as much. Before I used to get horrible withdrawals, and now I rarely get hungover. I enjoy drinking, the act of it and the feels, but doing it all the time makes me feel boring and redundant.

I do abstain at completely some days, some days i only have a 1 or 2. Some days I get shitfaced through out the entire day. So yeah I find it hard to go without sometimes. like I feel empty. Ive been taking about 1200 mg's of gabapentin on certain days to avoid the urge to get messed up. I may still have one or two but I'm more productive and lively.

2015-11-01 at 10:43 PM UTC

#5

AngryOnion Big Wig [the nightly self-effacing broadsheet]

Quitter.

The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!

y36mg

2015-11-01 at 10:52 PM UTC

#6

arthur treacher African Astronaut

you......actually look healthy. before, you looked like something that crawled up onto the riverbank.

2015-11-01 at 11:33 PM UTC

#7

Lanny Bird of Courage

I also stopped drinking vodka daily in part to a seizure I had in the spring of 2014 when I ran out of vodka and had been consuming 1.25 liters a day + a 4 pack of the Steel Reserve.

Damn son, I feel a lot less bad about my drinking now. So, uhh, thanks for that.

2015-11-02 at 4:43 AM UTC

#8

Bradley Black Hole

I'm going to cut back because I want to workout, read more, find work again, be more social, not fuck slutty bitches as much. Before I used to get horrible withdrawals, and now I rarely get hungover. I enjoy drinking, the act of it and the feels, but doing it all the time makes me feel boring and redundant.

I do abstain at completely some days, some days i only have a 1 or 2. Some days I get shitfaced through out the entire day. So yeah I find it hard to go without sometimes. like I feel empty. Ive been taking about 1200 mg's of gabapentin on certain days to avoid the urge to get messed up. I may still have one or two but I'm more productive and lively.

Hmm, well that's good you're doing it for you and have goals to replace the time with. The withdrawls are really bad but i'm glad you're over that. Did you taper?

How do you only have 1 or 2 is my question? Don't you feel a drive to just have one more and one more? I know you would buy those tall boys instead of 4 packs, but don't you just wanna load up at hte store so you don't have to sit there drunk not drinking more?

I feel empty right now just sitting here, bored. I'm gonna start playing Runescape again though tonight.

I don't take any medications. What is gabapentin given to you for?

Quitter.

Thank you for you're input.

you……actually look healthy. before, you looked like something that crawled up onto the riverbank.

My mom said the same thing but I don't really see it in myself because I see myself on a daily basis and don't notice the changes so much. I feel healthier (aside from the achey arthritis) internally though and i suppose this shows in my face/demeanor.

Damn son, I feel a lot less bad about my drinking now. So, uhh, thanks for that.

I'm glad I could encourage your habit further. Keep a check on it though, feeling bad about something usually means you're internal soul knows somethings wrong with what you're doing.

2015-11-02 at 5:07 AM UTC

#9

Bradley Black Hole

So I spent the last couple hours with my drinking buddy who plays RS with me online. We met in jail like five years ago and are pretty great buddies.

He asked me if he could drink in front of me, I told him sure. I made coffee, he worked on a four pack of steel reserves. After he ran out, we went to the gas station and got him another four pack. I bought a black and mild casino wood tipped cigar. It was 3/10, but i just wanted to buy something tho.

AFter watching him drink 3 more, i noticed that he kinda looked more sweaty, his pallor wasn't so good, he kinda looked... almost like sick a little bit. It didn't bother me watching him drink after he had the first two down, but I did feel a little jealousy.

He showed me all the new shit on Runescape and told me he'd pay for my first month of membership, so I'm going back to playing Runescape professionally now. This time I'll be playing on the 07 server. I know I'm trading one addiction to another but I don't want to write tbh, I don't think I'm good enough.

Going to start a Runescape Blog/Thread of course.

2015-11-02 at 5:21 AM UTC

#10

Lanny Bird of Courage

I'm glad I could encourage your habit further. Keep a check on it though, feeling bad about something usually means you're internal soul knows somethings wrong with what you're doing.

Heh, I was mostly joking blood, I drink a decent amount but it's never caused me problems so I assume it's in check. I was mostly meaning to say that's just an impressive amount of booze you were downing. Out of curiosity, how were you making a living at that point? I might be able to manage a liter and change of liquor in a day if I had the whole day to do it but I couldn't imagine any kind of work while doing it (actually I can, I had a job where I literally had to do about 5 minutes of work a day and would drink throughout the day, but I feel like that was a pretty unusual working arrangement).

2015-11-02 at 7:37 AM UTC

#11

kroz weak whyte, frothy cuck, and former twink

If there's one huge reason to stop drinking it's to not throw 211's through peoples windows because people are "fags". I'm sure he learned a very valuable lesson during his 2 months in jail

/thead

2015-11-02 at 8:25 AM UTC

#12

Bradley Black Hole

Bro I do way crazier shit than that on a regular basis.

2015-11-02 at 8:46 AM UTC

#13

kroz weak whyte, frothy cuck, and former twink

Hmm, well that's good you're doing it for you and have goals to replace the time with. The withdrawls are really bad but i'm glad you're over that. Did you taper?

How do you only have 1 or 2 is my question? Don't you feel a drive to just have one more and one more? I know you would buy those tall boys instead of 4 packs, but don't you just wanna load up at hte store so you don't have to sit there drunk not drinking more?

I feel empty right now just sitting here, bored. I'm gonna start playing Runescape again though tonight.

I don't take any medications. What is gabapentin given to you for?

Thank you for you're input.

My mom said the same thing but I don't really see it in myself because I see myself on a daily basis and don't notice the changes so much. I feel healthier (aside from the achey arthritis) internally though and i suppose this shows in my face/demeanor.

I'm glad I could encourage your habit further. Keep a check on it though, feeling bad about something usually means you're internal soul knows somethings wrong with what you're doing.

Yes I do have a drive to drink more and, yeah sometimes i do buy a six back, but here in texas we don't have 4packs, so certain brews im feeling like 211 we just don't have that here.

2015-11-02 at 8:47 AM UTC

#14

kroz weak whyte, frothy cuck, and former twink

Bro I do way crazier shit than that on a regular basis.

I'm not surprised. Best of luck to you and I, and all the other addicts here.

2015-11-02 at 9:27 AM UTC

#15

The Self Taught Man Black Hole

I'm going to be an alcoholic!

2015-11-02 at 5:26 PM UTC

#16

mashlehash victim of incest [my perspicuously dependant flavourlessness]

do drugs faggit

2015-11-02 at 6:24 PM UTC

#17

kroz weak whyte, frothy cuck, and former twink

^drugs are for hippy dippy asshats

2015-11-02 at 8:27 PM UTC

#18

Bradley Black Hole

Day 2 of my Recovery:

I went to my first AA meeting, met my sponsor, got a hardcover Big Book and the hard cover 12 Steps & 12 Traditions book.

The meeting went great, they had an extra little meeting to discuss the first step with me after which about half of the 20 original people stayed to do.

I felt a lot of similarities with the other people there, and no one really shit on me even when I discussed, in truth, how bad things were.

My sponsor wants me to read as a little homework assignment The Doctor's Opinion in the big book and highlight what I feel is important and what I have any questions on. I'm excited to do that. Will do that tomorrow, because I have two hours of Runescape till I'm going to my volunteer outpatient group for three hours at 5 o clock.

Not having a car and with only one meeting once a week within 8 miles of my home, I said I needed a ride. Turns out there's a guy who lives farther into the suburbs than I do and has to go through my town every day to go to meetings. What luck! We're going to a meeting tomorrow morning as well.

My sponsor and I seem to connect pretty well, while talking privately before he said one of the biggest things I need to work on is a compulsion of drug dealing. Something I need to admit I'm powerless over and work on. I never considered behavior such as selling narcotics to be an addiction. Not sure how I feel about this, but while I'm at my mom's house I don't really have any bills so the compulsion to drug deal is simply greed.

Having been out for about 26 hours and already have busted a move, I think I'mma chill the fuck out and tell my people I need a break. They'll find someone else, but I can always find new customers. It's worth a try. Honestly, I think he might have a point. Some of the best times of my life have been highlighted primarily by moving bulk and having more money in my pocket at once than I had in my entire childhood combined.

He wants me to call him every day at 9pm and meet with him twice a week, at least initially while I get started.

Only once in my life have I found a group of people that I had no interest in getting over on or making something from until today. The first time was you pieces of shit, now it's Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe I can do this. Even if it's only one dong at a time.

2015-11-03 at 1:53 AM UTC

#19

mmQ Lisa Turtle

AA is fucking top-tier cringe. Oh sure you might get the little feel-goods from having other faggots to talk to IRL, but the longer you stick around, the more you'll (hopefully) see how got dang co-dependent they are on one another, assuming you don't get sucked into the cult mentality and become a die-hard AA faggot yourself, memorizing all the stupid cliches and celebrating people's "birthdays" with hugs and medallions. If I'm going to talk to the same faggots about teh same shit day in and day out, I'd rather it be interesting people that have sick senses of humor and can make me laugh or provoke my thoughts, and I'd rather have a buzz. Talking about "the way things were" over and over is mind-numbingly redundant and UNHEALTHY. Thank you Jesus.

2015-11-03 at 8:07 AM UTC

#20

kroz weak whyte, frothy cuck, and former twink

AA is fucking top-tier cringe. Oh sure you might get the little feel-goods from having other faggots to talk to IRL, but the longer you stick around, the more you'll (hopefully) see how got dang co-dependent they are on one another, assuming you don't get sucked into the cult mentality and become a die-hard AA faggot yourself, memorizing all the stupid cliches and celebrating people's "birthdays" with hugs and medallions. If I'm going to talk to the same faggots about teh same shit day in and day out, I'd rather it be interesting people that have sick senses of humor and can make me laugh or provoke my thoughts, and I'd rather have a buzz. Talking about "the way things were" over and over is mind-numbingly redundant and UNHEALTHY. Thank you Jesus.

couldn't be any worse than the cult that is totse/zoklet

But yeah I went to a few cocaine anonymous meetings when I was younger, and basically it was just a bunch of old guys that want to work the 13th step on you..

They would trade out their addiction for sex or other things like "shopping" Some of the loneliest people in the world who may not have been doing drugs but you could tell they never ever really filled their void.

At one meeting, (i was 19) i met a gentleman who offered to me my sponsor. He took me out for chili dogs (i love chili dogs) and gave me 20 bucks afterwards we went to the springs for a late night walk, we stopped some where on the trail and he stared into my eyes with a giddy smile and told me he likes me hair...

I got him to drop me off at a different apartment complex....

Who knows maybe bradley could turn this into something positive and become a substance abuse councilor and work with at at risk youth.

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BradleyB's Rock Bottom -- Recovery Thread