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Parental love and respect
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2016-06-10 at 6:14 AM UTCForewarning: I'm drunk and this is going to be one of the faggiest threads you'll read this season.
I don't think there's anyone here who's a fully functional adult, I know a lot of people came from shitty unfulfilling homes. I had my share of shitty family circumstance, probably worse than the typical american but better than the average nigga around here. My dad died earlier this year and my mom was diagnosed with cancer recently, objectively my mom's case has a pretty good prognosis but I'm not really sure, on a psychological level, what good medical news sounds like anymore and between the two it's kinda fucked me up.
I never really had an oedipal struggle, my dad had some issues (brain damage) a few years after I was born and I realized I was his intellectual and physical better before I was a teenager, we both worked in the family business when I was in highschool so it really brought that fact to the foreground. We got along fine besides pretty mundane squabbles (we used to fight bitterly about what radio station we'd have on when driving to work/school). He never told me how he felt about the situation, he always tried really hard to be a good father but I can't help but imagine it made him feel deficient. I have some strong regrets around situations where I felt some stupid need to assert my independence, teenage rebellion I guess, and I'm sure I hurt him in doing so. It's fucked up that I stepped on a human being, much less my own father, for that. My ego wasn't worth that, isn't worth shit, I wish I had seen that at the time.
In contrast to that my mom raised me on her own until I was 16, she really went above and beyond what you can ask of a parent. She was raised in small town america, in a very christian family, and embodied the protestant work ethic (although she gave up the metaphysics) more strongly than anyone I've ever met save for her father who was a farmer who spent his life toiling in the fields, the very definition of salt of the earth. Patient beyond reason she broke her back to provide for me. She's a funny sort of smart; witty, well educated, very well read, knowledgeable, but fundamentally lacking the calculating and detached disposition that characterizes an intellectual. It takes me aback sometimes, occasionally she'll think of or know things that never even occur to me, truly "outmaneuver" me in argument, but when I press the conclusion she's convinced me of she'll simply deny it if it involves some sort of selfishness or manipulation. The uncanny ability to play the game that I consider my own, yet the willingness to pull back from it as soon as it goes somewhere other than where intended, it honestly unnerves me at times.
She, like her father, is a farmer at heart while I guess I never picked up that ethos. Which brings us to the point here, what I turned into a crying little bitch making a drunkpost over. I don't know how to tell my mom that I respect her. I never had a problem telling my parents that I love them, I did it every time I talked to them. But my mom is a fundamentally humble person, she, like me (or rather, I, like her), receives praise really fucking poorly and it turns awkward fast. I didn't really have anything I wanted to tell my dad before he died, I believe we both understood where we stood. But my mother is broken in the same way I am, I'm convinced she feels guilt over various things in her past, not being able to provide certain material goods for me, petty trivial breaks in her parental countenance. I want more than anything to tell her that I don't forgive her because there is fundamentally nothing to forgive, I just don't know how. To make matters worse I feel like saying any of this exposes my own neurotic, deficient soul. How can you tell your parent that you're a broken human being? How could they not take that as a personal failing? I want to say I dug my own grave, that my failings are my own doing, but I know I'd never believe that from my own child, I'd think it was me who was responsible and I know my mom is the same flavor or neurotic that I am.
tl;dr: how do you tell someone you respect them when they're so very much like you and you don't respect yourself? -
2016-06-10 at 6:56 AM UTCWrite her a letter. Don't be pretentious or wordy about it, just a nice, thought out letter that explains the very things you are posing to us here. Letters are THEE SHIT in regard to conveying uncomfortable messages. Most mothers will always hold some degree of guilt or sense of disappointment with themselves if their children even have the fewest, most trivial type of problems. I don't think there's anything people can say that would ever remove those particular feelings; they seem to be inherent in a mother/child relationship, as well they should be. The truth is, the mothers who feel the worse are those who believe they did everything right, everything they could to try and raise a successful, happy, educated child, and that child comes to them 'broken,' or they watch the potential of their child somehow slip away, knowing that it shouldn't be happening, that their child should and could be 'perfect.
I don't think that's happened with you, and maybe you don't either, so I don't know exactly what you're talking about when you say that you're 'broken,' other than that you are just generally depressed or feel inadequate or what, I really don't know. I've never particularly gathered that vibe from you and haven't seen hardly, if any at all, posts about you being depressed and hating life, things of that nature. I'm aware of your desires to consume alcohols and other droogs, but again you've never come close to revealing what others as well as myself seem to reveal in our blatantly degenerate lifestyles.
Do you think your mom is sad when she reflects on your life, or where you're at currently? Do you think that she thinks that you don't respect her?
Just write her a letter and do your best. Like I said, moms will always hold part of themselves responsible for their children's accolades and faults alike, but it certainly doesn't hurt for a mom to hear her kid tell her that he/she loves them, and respects them, and is grateful for them. I'm sure she would be happy to hear those very things, at the very least. -
2016-06-10 at 7:03 AM UTConly clicked this because I was curious what it was about, not being a sophie thread
this is too much for me to read right now, and not really sure I want to anyway. haven't talked to my dad in like 10 years or so. -
2016-06-10 at 11:12 AM UTCActions speak louder than words.
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2016-06-10 at 1:30 PM UTCHug her for a very long time and don't say a word. Unless they're abusive or neglectful, we all have a certain feeling of comfort, a sort of openness and connection, from the imprinting of the time when we were a child. Feel what you feel towards her to the fullest and without fear, without even attempting to hold back tears or sobs. This will convey what the most important thing better than anything you could say.
Now it's dark... -
2016-06-10 at 3:32 PM UTCYour mom sounds a lot like mine. I haven't hung out with her in 5 years but now I'm living with her and we get along very well better than ever before.
I think just spending time with the person is better than any well thought out words.
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2016-06-10 at 4:14 PM UTC^this. don't overthink it, just ride the wavves / triangles.
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2016-06-10 at 9:54 PM UTCI'm sorry for your loss. As for your mom, just.. yeah, I dunno...
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2016-06-11 at 2:16 AM UTCI'm going to see descendents play tomorrow and my only friend can't afford it plus his mom doesn't have a car anymore (sad because we haven't hung in like almost a year because of his schoolwork and we needed time apart because since I reunited with him after 9 years of not seeing eachother (gradeschool, me and him were tight, didn't let those little nosebag crimby pimbus tringy vimmy crimbus schneidelwuts go at us) we've had sort of a bipolar friendship, he having pervasive development disorder, me having schizotypal traits and drug us). but the concert was a good thing to do because it was his favorite band and they're up there on my list.
I asked my dad to come and he said, Roshanko, agh I can't.. my knees are bad.. and, with my heart I can't risk getting knocked around in one of those punk feeding grounds.. how long is it, I say 7 hours.. him : I can't stand that long. I told him its outdoors and there is a 21 and up bar section so most likely there are chairs or something,etc etc etc
I feel really terrible because we've had fights for years, him starting with my mom, me getting mad, me pissed at him for etc, but the past like month or 2 we've actually had a connection like, 2 human beings with a will to live that live with eachother and don't split the atom whenever they cross paths. I know he doesn't have long to live, he saw his physician and surprisingly his heart is fine but he has other problems that a 56 year old body wouldn't be able to cope with. And he knows as soon as I turn 18 I'm leaving and we would never see eachother again.
Sorry for tldr but I'm pretty low right now and typing in hyperfocus at looking at something gets my mind off it. Not expecting sympathy from this post because, like some of you might say, he tried for years and you try for a day, you deserve it. Or something along those lines.
What;s it like to grow up with a father that actually spends time with you? As a kid he was never abusive to me or my sister, just my mom, but was either busy at work, doing stuff that you shouldnt be around a kid because, idk disrespect? But it really sucked when he didn't go to my baseball or soccer games, and when I quit he said "you quit everything". Only thing he ever really did with me is go to all my boyscout meetings, pinewood derby, outings when we went to a park to learn how to use a bow and arrow. Some of the happiest times I remember from my childhood were the drive to the church where the meetings were and the drive home. He played george harrison, queen, ELO, N.W.A., snoop when he was a doggy dog, really good music. Always made sure I had a good taste and I knew the band and the songs meanings. Heh I remember when he asked me which beatle is that and if I got it right on the first try he'd give me a dollar a song. I thought Ringo sung day tripper.
How can I make my dad feel better about not being able to go? -
2016-06-11 at 2:10 PM UTC^meh I can understand why your dad wouldn't go, my dad never took me to shows because he hates younger people. (i tired to get him to take me to see sonic youth when I was 16 and he wouldn't do it then I tried to get him to take me to see the dillinger escape plan and he wouldn't do it) (yet he went to see eric clapton with my lil bro because it was at a music hall and had seating and wasn't "rowdy") but eric clapton is kinda boring. I'm not gay like that
And no its not a seven hour show... just go in when the descendants are playing..
My dad would only spend time with me as far as taking me to the grocery store with him or watching tarantino movies. But I just started going to all ages show when I was 15 with my friends / gf. Plus to be honest you don't want to go to a show with your dad, you know he'd feel like a total old man and hate it.
The descendents will be back, and you'll be 18 soon.
If you lived closer I'd take you to the show. I remember when I was 16 my gf and I went to a show and before the band that I wanted to see even came on my parents were already on 6th street blowing up her phone for us to come out. If I knew then what I know now, I would have picked up the phone and told them to suck it I will be done at 1am. what are they going to do ground me? lol
this was the band i went to see, I atleast met them and got a cd and was fucking crazily stoned
notice the the guy with the moustache has a devo tat on his left upper arm
just don't say anything to your dad, you should just respect that its not his kind of thing, a lot of old people feel really out of place at things like that.
he's just beyond, eating pizza, skateboards, and getting dumped, just go do something else with your dad that you would both enjoy.
My advice to you would be get a job, save some money up, wait till your 18 and just start going seeing shows by yourself or with your friends.
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2016-06-11 at 9:43 PM UTCLanny, let's get drunk together and have a good discussion centered on death, the flaws in our lives under our parents, our regrets and other emotions, and possibly some philosophy of suicide if it leads to that level of depression, if we aren't already there beforehand.
By the way, did you know that two buck chuck is produced by a company that was created and run by the Franzia family, Fred Franzia being the the current head, who created and produces the very same box wine known as Franzia, renowned for being the cheapest and lowest quality wine available, best selling (commoner's swill!), and commonly used for binge drinking/games by stupid college brats/frat Chads and Stacys.
And as to your previous attempt to demean me by very lightly sweetening some wines with micrograms of sucralose in order to modify and improve the flavor profile, just as decanting does, which does cause alterations to the physical composition of the wine, there being no fundamental difference, two buck chuck, particularly the flavors you prefer, have so much residual sugar that they far exceed the sweetness of what I raise some of mine to by a wide margin. My wines of choice are merlot, cabarnet sauvignon, and tempranillo, which are strong flavored, full bodied, red wines with minute to no residual sugar.
The point of this is not merely to demean your worldview, although that's always part of the fun, but to declare that I'm bringing the alcohol. -
2016-06-12 at 7:57 AM UTCAs the, im assuming, only, poster on this website with a normal/good parental relationship I feel a need to chime in. My parents raised me very well and I am convinced that any deficit of character I possess comes from anywhere but my upbringing. One thing that affords me the relationship I have with them is my candor. I tell them honestly about my drug use and mental insecurities and in my experience it has never been to my detriment.
In the case that your mother is bad at accepting praise I would give one bit of advice. Tell her in a way that is frank, to the point and concise. Practice saying it as odd as it may feel. Get it down to a T and make sure that it doesnt need a reaction or response. If you just say your piece and you two can move along with your conversation is something I am sure she would appreciate it.
Feel free to follow my advice. Or dont. Its up to you.
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2016-06-12 at 2:33 PM UTCOne time I was hugging my mother for a long time, but then I started getting a boner so I had to stop. But she wouldn't let go. My boner just kept growing and eventually started rubbing against her leg. She still wouldn't let go. It was so awkward.
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2016-06-12 at 3:05 PM UTC
One time I was hugging my daughter for a long time, but then I started getting a boner so I had to stop. But I wouldn't let go. My boner just kept growing and eventually started rubbing against her leg. I still wouldn't let go. It was so awesome.
Fixed. -
2016-06-12 at 7:33 PM UTC
Fixed.
If I had a loli daughter, I would stand up while hugging her and press her face into my erected tent. -
2016-06-13 at 8:25 PM UTCScrolled over this thread while watching kickboxing fights. I dunno, man. Just tell her what you posted here. She's probably not an idiot and will understand that you live your own life with your own fuckups. The guilt won't go away. I actually had a talk with my mom like that and I think it meant something to her that I opened up like that. It also showed her that I grew up a bit, I think. I dunno, bro. Step up.
