My mind was trying to play tricks on me this morning. I woke up all dazed and confused. My sleeping pills had my blood pressure low as fuck and my head was very foggy. I was half tripping thinking that I was in jail or the hospital again. As I started to come to I felt depressed and hopeless. For a time I considered calling off all my plans for the day Cancelling probation. Quitting my job.
NOPE! I threw off my blanket and started dancing. Dancing makes you happy no matter what. Started saying things I am grateful for. Got my mind right.
I jumped in the shower and ate a muffin. I printed off some goal sheets and filled them out. Goals for today: Get to probation, and do what I do. Tell my PO how it is now. He.... did not like that and I have to go to court now.
That wont stop me!
Now I am home. Listening to music. Dancing. Happy.
I got to be at work around 2 and I have no ride but I have a bicycle. So I am going to leave around 1:30 and go on a bike ride and get my responsible butt to work. Making me proud. Doing it with my higher power's help.
Sure things are still kinda screwy but I recognize stuff and that means I can change them and make them better. I am sure there are defects that I am not recognizing but I will eventually. I have enough that I can stay busy making myself a better person for quite a while. Never will I run out of ways to keep making my life better.
I got to accomplish my goals. I have to make the world a better place. I am Fonaplats. I can do this.
At any given moment I am susceptible to delusions. I can take myself out faster than a bullet. The important thing is I do my very best to stay focused, and stay on track. I can not lose sight of what is important now. I have come so very far and yet... It is just the beginning.
I am also going to start going to meetings again. They do help and it is a great way to meet people and be a part of something. I have the tools so I might as well use them.
I love you all very much. I pray for you guys now...
We are winners in this camp!
April 30, 2018 God does for us Page 124
"Ongoing recovery is dependent on our relationship with a loving God who cares for us and will do for us what we find impossible to do for ourselves."
Basic Text, p. 99
How often have we heard it said in meetings that "God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves"? At times we may get stuck in our recovery, unable, afraid, or unwilling to make the decisions we know we must make to move forward. Perhaps we are unable to end a relationship that just isn't working. Maybe our job has become a source of too much conflict. Or perhaps we feel we need to find a new sponsor but are afraid to begin the search. Through the grace of our Higher Power, unexpected change may occur in precisely the area we felt unable to alter.
We sometimes allow ourselves to become stuck in the problem instead of moving forward toward the solution. At these times, we often find that our Higher Power does for us what we cannot do for ourselves. Perhaps our partner decides to end our relationship. We may get fired or laid off. Or our sponsor tells us that he or she can no longer work with us, forcing us to look for a new one.
Sometimes what occurs in our lives can be frightening, as change often seems. But we also hear that "God never closes a door without opening another one." As we move forward with faith, the strength of our Higher Power is never far from us. Our recovery is strengthened by these changes.
Just for Today: I trust that the God of my understanding will do for me what I cannot do for myself.
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I got my weighted vest on. Got my lunch made. Putting my laundry away.
Next weekend I am going to set up shop in my mom's basement. Hoping to get a laptop or computer and hook up a couple of webcams so you guys can follow me around and watch me be awesome. I am going to get my room cleaned up and then lift weights. Got to eat lunch then and get ready for the ride to work.
I just got a call and I have a ride to work today. I was kind of looking forward to the bike ride. Maybe I will ride anyways.
I got my work out in and I boy! I feel great now.
Also I scheduled a fight for in a couple of weeks. I am fighting a woman. I am really excited about helping her out. Fighting me I hope will build up her confidence and help her find out what she needs to work on. I haven't fought in years. She is my sister-in-law. She practices karate and had a tournament on Saturday and got kicked in the head and has a slight concussion now. She is going to be so kick ass after using me as a punching bag for a few months. I can take a hit. Plus fighting is a great stress reliever. I am so happy I am getting back in shape.
Time for lunch now. I think I will warm up some left-over spaghetti.
Well I rode my bike around the neighborhood and have decided to take the ride i got to work. I need to adjust my seat and wear tennis shoes to ride my bike with any comfort. Also it was hurting my hip to ride. It sucks that that pain will not go away. I will ride it to work another day. I think I will try and find a bigger more comfy bicycle in the mean time. I sort of bought this one a little impulsively. Maybe I can get my girl bike ride-able and ride it.
Whenever I feel uneasy I just stop and pray now. God gives me the strength to keep chasing my dreams. I am so happy. Everything is rainbows and blowjobs.
