At the start of the summer I started taking amphetamine every day, I decided to hate less, and my coworker/friend pushed me into asking a girl on a date. I started dating her, and she fell in love with me. I gained confidence and realized I was actually "lovable" by girls, and I realized I was an okay, cool guy.
I remember having a solo session in my room one night, and having it sink in to myself that a girl actually loves me. ME. She wants to show me off to all her friends, and spend time with me, and most of all she wants to have sex with me. Fuck, all these memories are coming back now, because the idea of me having sex is fucking normal. But at the time all I'd done was fuck hookers, lol. But this was a girl who actually wanted me naked and to stick my dick inside her vagina. It was batshit insane to comprehend. Damn, I completely forgot about feeling that until now.
But anyway, realizing this just changed me. I never knew that something like that was possible for me, since I always saw myself as unlovable, weird and different. Me vs the world. But having an attractive, normal girl in love with me made me feel worth something.
I know in high school I was ugly. I had pimples, was overly skinny, and was a total spaz. I look in the mirror and don't see someone who's "hot", but I've had lots of people tell me that I am. I see someone who's just okay looking. Maybe it's ugly duckling syndrome, or god knows what… I guess beauty is just in the eye of the beholder, and maybe my personality just helps me look better.
Anyway, midway through that year, I became depressed from serotonin depletion because I rolled too many times. I hated my job, and I felt like it was a waste of my time on this earth. So I quit.
I got another better job, with a more social aspect. I'm going to be leaving soon though. I'm going to travel the world and explore this place. I have the confidence now. I like being outside, and I'm not afraid to do a lot of the things the old me would have. I remember in 2012 or around that time, some guys on the side of the street stopped me to sign up for a charity. And I was too nervous and shy to say "no" and keep walking. That's just insane to me. Goddamn, I've changed.
All this shit is only coming to me now, so I'm just rambling now. But another is walking down the street and having people yell things at me from cars. "Nerd!" "Loser!" It happened all the time back when I was younger, but now I'M the one yelling shit from cars. The last thing someone yelled at me was the other week, and it was a group of sluts being sluts.
I really wish I could read my old Zoklet posts and see my viewpoints on things. Fucking Zok. I remember really freaking out about going to a club, because they were for "cool people only", and I couldn't do it. There's no such thing as a "cool person" to me now. The coolest people are me and whoever I'm hanging out with. I have no problems with going to a "club" now, and if anything they're beneath me. I don't want to get wasted or roll anymore.
Damn, I've never really analyzed any of this. What sucks is I'm in my mid 20s now. I wasted a lot of time doing nothing. But I've thought about my time on Zoklet before, and goddamn a lot of that shit was funny.
And yeah, I know that this may all be pointless but I feel like this place is the only thing I have left. I tried to be normal and it didn't work.
I'm done trying to Enter society and reality.. I am now coming in thru the out door.
