Originally posted by Sudo
well that's good you believe you are a good and lovable person. I believe you are that too, nobody said that you weren't, I guess making it seem like you are shitty an insignificant might seem mutually exclusive to someone of a small and narrow mind. Jesus, Allah and I Love you as well as many members of your familia. I'm sure you have met people who left with a negative perception of you because that kind of statement is obviously hyperbolic. Maybe one day you will be grown up enough to see your the issues you've created and the issues that are inherent within yourself. For your sake I hope so, until then you will always continue to be a faggot
It's not cowardly to kill yourself. I get sick of hearing that- it's the Howard's way out. Yes and no. All I know is takes a shit ton of courage to kill yourself.
Originally posted by mmQ
It's not cowardly to kill yourself. I get sick of hearing that- it's the Howard's way out. Yes and no. All I know is takes a shit ton of courage to kill yourself.
Ummmmm lets see. I eat when I'm bored. I got my teeth kicked in. I alternate between being incredibly introverted and being brutally honest, unable to find a happy medium in between. My back is curved. I have bitch tits. My dick looks weird on my gigantic fat body. I'm prone to anger and start arguments. I'm an awful judge of character bc I try too hard to give people credit even when they're probably massive pieces of shit. I'm easily able to rationalize away my responsibility for my part in the destruction and harm of other people, bc I completely own my fuckups so I feel like I shouldn't have to shoulder any extra burden (even though that's not the way any of this works). Ummmmm......I fantasize about being killed doing something heroic to lend meaning and balance to my otherwise bleak and squandered and sterile existence. I'm not super lazy I just don't have the energy to do much of anything anymore. I live in a room stacked with moving boxes and piles of clothes, electronics and other assorted bullshit. I'm late every single day to work. My hands shake and my heart pounds in my head when I get angry. Same thing when I have to do any kind of public speaking. I get anxiety often now, even though in my head I'm calm but it's unsettling to have my body do things I don't want it to do. I'm a disappointment as a son. I probably won't choose to see my father again before he dies- it's just doesn't feel high on my list of priorities right now. I've done some pretty reprehensible shit. I have no idea who I really am, and sometimes it's next to impossible for me to untangle myself from the criminal, impulsive, sometimes violent persona that I created for myself to feel more masculine and whole as the shiftless, drug addicted son of a single mother. I drove high. It's a miracle I didn't kill anyone. Early on I cut my product. I ripped people off. I overcharged friends. I stole from people. I lied a lot. I pawned my moms jedielry. I felt oddly fulfilled and turned on when a girl asked me to choke and hit her and hold her down. I have zero fashion sense. I hate my taste in music. I'm not nearly as talented or intelligent as anyone ever gave me credit for. I'm boring and just barely above average by every conceivable metric. I feel like it's my job to right wrongs and put people in their place. I'm often depressed. Thinking about killing myself is so routine that it's kind of just an intellectual exercise now. I'm not even unhappy, I'm just okay- but that scares the shit out of me that maybe that's all the rest of my life is. Not a lot scares me anymore bc the scariest thing was feeling yourself melt away and be completely out of control and have no idea who you are anymore.
And I leave laundry in the washer too long bc my attention span is shit so half the time it gets mildewed and I have to re wash it.
That's the only stuff I can think of off the top of my head that's probably passed any statute of limitations.
Good shit. Certainly won't be used against me at a later date. Lol.
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I'm not really down about any of it, I'm just very self aware. Everyone is fucked up. I think everyone would be better off with a little more introspection. I don't trust people that don't see anything lacking in themselves.
I'm just saying I Love you because I related to parts of what you wrote, jeez
I literally cannot relate to people who aren't damaged and if I have a relationship with someone (romanatic, platonic or transactional) I try to get them to open up about bad experiences, just as an unconscious coping mechanism for being around people I don't feel comfortable with. I remember working with a co worker at a company for the day and getting him to open up about his first wife cheating on him and then we talked about ways to tell when people lie and what he learned from it. I think I made him uncomfortable because 5 minutes after he dropped me off the secretary called me and said they don't need me anymore (even though I knew they did, I was still on probation at the work as it was within the first 3 months).
For pretty much my whole life whenever I would talk to a "nice" girl I would think about how easy it would be to ruin their life and admittedly, I definitely had negative impacts on some of their lives. Thus, my toxicity kind of holds me back. It's for this reason I'm trying not to pursue a relationship with a young woman I've presented myself as much less destructive towards. I really do need to talk to a therapist, I keep putting it off because it's intimidating
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Besides Courtney from soccer, Britney in that red leather thing is one of the first girls I remember twirling my meat to before I discovered vaguely suspicious google image searches.
