Hello everyone.
I hope your day went well today.
Mine was okay...
It was just another day at work.
But I do got some troubling news and I need your prayers.
My pup got herself a bladder full of stones.
^She is on the left.
She has surgery scheduled for 7:30 today morning.
My boy dog already has a big inoperable growth hanging off his face.
^I feel so bad about not getting him care sooner.
I should go get a second opinion but I just dont have the time or resources.
I hate myself a lot sometimes when it comes to facing things that remind me of what a cold hearted cunt I can be.
When you are in addiction you hurt everyone around you and you might not even realize it.
Basically I found a fucking golf ball sized lump on his neck back in February and I immediately took him to the vet.
But when the vet asked me "Why didn't you bring your dog to me sooner?"
I replied "Well... I just noticed it."
and what happened next haunts me knowing I was barely giving my dogs any attention for months and that is extra fucked up because for a good year before that I was so fucked up on drugs I probably didn't even give any real attention.
"How'd you not notice this? Don't you ever pet them?I have been fucked up for pretty much the entirety of owning these 2 dogs.
Now it is the size of a small basketball.
My mom bought me the boy dog as a puppy shortly after getting out of the mental hospital.
I think she thought the puppy was going to somehow keep me from using drugs and killing myself.
All that happened was I got a doggy to play with and poorly train while I got drunk and ate pills at home for an entire summer.
After about a year or 2 I was out on my own not seeing my dogs hardly ever.
Then I got addicted to drugs real bad.
Now here I have 2, 8 year old dogs who's lives I really wasn't there for. (at least not as good as I think I should have been)
Those are old pics of my dogs (6 years). I dont have many newer ones available
I wanted to go see my girl dog tonight and take her in the morning but I am not going to be able to make that easily happen and I probably wont.
I haven't seen my dogs in a week and a half and I was a grumpy ass hole that day.
Before that it was 2 weeks and I was barely there an hour and I maybe spent a minute with them.
I was with them for about a year there but I was drunk or at work the entire time.
When I would get home I would just get on niggasin.space and drink malt liquor or vodka until I shit my pants and passed out.
When I moved out I would have loved to take my dogs but I was in such a hurry I left them behind.
Again...
And when I did get a place I didn't even pay close enough attention to the lease to see if I could take them to the apartment I got that in no way comfortably would accommodate even one of them.
We all remember the "
Morely Incident"
Here I am filled him guilt for all this.
I love my dogs and always have but its really hard to really love anything if you don't love yourself.
I love myself now, at least I think I do.
Unfortunately, I am a "piece of shit"
-sigh-
I talk about striving to do better all the time but its really important to also strive to be a better person too.
I am in so much debt to my mom for always caring for them and paying there bills and buying their food.
For loving them when I was gone or too gone to love them myself.
All I want is for their aliments to not negatively affect their quality of life.
I never really was there for either of them so not being there now doesn't feel weird, it just feels guilty.
Her new dog food has to be "SO Dog Food" which is expensive at $36 for a 7.5 pound bag.
https://www.chewy.com/royal-canin-veterinary-diet-urinary/dp/33942?utm_source=google-product&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=f&utm_content=Royal%20Canin%20Veterinary%20Diet&utm_term=&gclid=Cj0KCQiA2ITuBRDkARIsAMK9Q7PTo1Ul31mCZe2V4e1IkP_O5X84TQvlT8ZldakNM4qjukn9FHk73GgaAiRkEALw_wcBThis all has been a rough reminder to me of what a monster I was and can always be.
I hope I never start going backwards because so long as I am aware of all this I can have the option of repairing who I am and maybe one day I will be able to be the person I think I should be.
Im a long way off but I have nothing but time.
On top of all this I really asked my GF if she wanted to have a kids the other week.
I wouldn't be a good father. Not now.
Not at this time in my life anyways...
Im doing good but I got a lot to work on.
I mean...
Here is a picture of my thermostat right now.
It is too expensive to heat my apartment.
I got my electric bill today and it was $100.
I paid $50 last month.
Im not Mr. MoneyBags
Im a bottom unit in my building and the empty unit above mine has the fucking windows wide open and/or broke out.
Heat rises.
I think that my heater is running way too much because those windows are open in the unit above me.
I need to do some weatherstripping but idk if it will save me enough money to pay to bother with it if I am only going to be here for this winter.
Should put plastic over my windows to try an insulate?
Im going to start with curtains but I am talking about after I put them up.
Should I cover them in plastic or just see how some curtains do first?
Anways...
I am glad to have gotten all this off my chest tonight.
It is important to dig deep if you wanna figure shit out about yourself.
It is important to face the things that bother you so that if nothing else you can accept them.
Imma some some cigs and eat in my cold apartment now.
TTYL
<3
