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Bluejays

  1. #1
    Vitamin G African Astronaut
    So yes they are beautiful, but let me begin by saying that Bluejays are Nature's supreme assholes.

    They are very mean and really cruel. We had a male & female bluejay pair who my wife and I fed at our bird feeder every day. We loved them because bluejays are gorgeous; beautiful shades of Robin Egg Blue mixed with Sky Blue and Cobalt.

    I walked out into my backyard one fine morning in my pajama bottoms, flip-flops, an old concert t-shirt and holding my cup of coffee. At the feeder was this adorable little finch. I marveled at the subtle beauty Nature had imbued it with while it fed and twittered adorably.

    Out of nowhere, the male bluejay appeared and dive-bombed the finch, knocking him to the ground. The finch was stunned unconscious. As it lay on the ground, the bluejay swooped down and pecked both of his eyes out. The finch regained consciousness, started flying blindly in panic, and smacked into the wall of our house breaking its wing on impact. It flopped around helplessly, blind and broken, on the ground while the bluejay just stood hopping around it. The bluejay didn't peck it to death though it easily could have. No, it just stood there staring; relishing and gloating in the little finch's suffering.

    I couldn't let the little finch suffer so I went over to pick it up. THE DAMN BLUEJAY STARTED DIVE BOMBING ME AND GOING FOR MY EYES! I was so pissed, I mean, I fed that damn thing every day and this is how it treats me?

    I ran inside to put on my motorcycle helmet for protection, but couldn't find it. So I grabbed my wife's pink helmet instead as well as a tennis racquet. My wife was in the bathroom brushing her teeth. In my peripheral vision I saw her toothbrush stop moving and toothpaste begin to drip from her bottom lip as she stared at me in utter confusion as I strode past her like some sort of homeless gay stormtrooper.

    I went outside and that evil bluejay immediately dive-bombed me again! It put a big scratch right across the visor, clearly still going for my eyes. Now it was personal. This bluejay had betrayed me. It was out for blood. It attacked again and suddenly I was livid with anger and adrenaline. I started flailing wildly with my racquet until I felt it connect. <POOF>, the bluejay fell to the ground, dead, in a shower of beautiful blue feathers that glinted in the morning sun.

    Just then my wife ran out screaming and yelling at me in horror. All she had seen was me exploding the bluejay as if it was Oberyn Martell's head. I was trying to explain it was going for my eyes, but out of nowhere the female bluejay appeared and started attacking both of us. We immediately ran inside for protection. Safely in our home, my wife turned to me and screamed, "Look what you did! Now she blames me as well for killing her mate!".

    Anyways, we got divorced a few months after that (deeper issues than bluejays). About that same time I noticed that the female bluejay had already found a new mate. About that same time I found out my ex-wife had found a new mate as well.

    I guess my point is... bluejays.
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