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2019-09-30 at 5:17 AM UTCfuck my life, i can't fall asleep in the bed i made for myself because the plan the whole time was just "lol i'm just going to keep doing drugs until it's miserable then i'll kill myself anyways because its pointless anyways" but when that point got reached i'm too much of a pussy to actually do it. so i just sit here in shock and horror at how obscenely stupid throwing away my entire life was. it's like i can't believe it. i don't want to accept it. i just ruined everything for the stupidest reasons, stupid reasons i held to because of anxiety that was blown out of proportion but by the time i realized how ridiculous it had gotten it was way too late. i just can't stop obsessing over things that aren't even relevant to anyone other than me anymore. it's fucking stupid and i don't understand why i couldn't just be normal.
i wish i was one of those people that can just exist without it feeling like a constant battle. that can just be content doing things. i used to think they were just dumber and thus more easily entertained but it was really just my mind tricking me into thinking that i'm smarter than everyone else, i had everything i just needed to keep it but for some reason it wasn't good enough so i mutilated it til it was hardly recognizable and permanently damaged and the ones who i loved don't want to talk to me anymore. its so fucking dumb and now i have to pay for it. so every fucking night i'm paying for it. i fucking hate it and myself so much i can't even describe it with words. the smart competent decently attractive anxious dude who was in the military who had the perfect life lined up gave it all up because he wanted to be a junkie and sleep with some random japanese slut instead. real fucking smart.
i don't really expect anyone to say much to this and you don't have to do the same old "tomorrow needs you..." or "one day at a time" stuff. i just want to type because im frustrated and i want to rip my eyeballs out.
i just want to be happy again like i was in 2015/2016 but the money, time, and innocence has been lost and i don't even think it's possible anymore. its possible for other people but not me. i'm too neurotic, too anxious, too sucked into this mindset and damaged by it over the years. it feels like i'd just be faking it.get into some social circles like a well intentioned parasite until the desire for self destruction grows until it starts fucking everything up for everyone. maybe that wouldn't happen this time though, after all the shit thats happened the past few years and me fucking up a lot and analyzing my behavior.
i want peace. but sometimes it feels like killing myself is eventual because the shit doesn't stop, and it sucks watching the people that you do get close to move on to better things, or to react negatively to your shittiness, or get hurt because you did something fucked up. i half think i just did this subconsciously so i would have an excuse to kill myself and maybe after some more time goes by if it doesn't get better than that's the road i'll take. i'm tired of the pain and the shit of everyday waking up and remembering the fucked up decisions you made that lead you to the life you're about to have to live and then immediately regret living through the night. so fucking sad. how can one person be so fucked up and stupidThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2019-09-30 at 5:20 AM UTC
Originally posted by OG_GREENPLASTIC_JOHNSON_III fuck my life, i can't fall asleep in the bed i made for myself because the plan the whole time was just "lol i'm just going to keep doing drugs until it's miserable then i'll kill myself anyways because its pointless anyways" but when that point got reached i'm too much of a pussy to actually do it. so i just sit here in shock and horror at how obscenely stupid throwing away my entire life was. it's like i can't believe it. i don't want to accept it. i just ruined everything for the stupidest reasons, stupid reasons i held to because of anxiety that was blown out of proportion but by the time i realized how ridiculous it had gotten it was way too late. i just can't stop obsessing over things that aren't even relevant to anyone other than me anymore. it's fucking stupid and i don't understand why i couldn't just be normal.
i wish i was one of those people that can just exist without it feeling like a constant battle. that can just be content doing things. i used to think they were just dumber and thus more easily entertained but it was really just my mind tricking me into thinking that i'm smarter than everyone else, i had everything i just needed to keep it but for some reason it wasn't good enough so i mutilated it til it was hardly recognizable and permanently damaged and the ones who i loved don't want to talk to me anymore. its so fucking dumb and now i have to pay for it. so every fucking night i'm paying for it. i fucking hate it and myself so much i can't even describe it with words. the smart competent decently attractive anxious dude who was in the military who had the perfect life lined up gave it all up because he wanted to be a junkie and sleep with some random japanese slut instead. real fucking smart.
i don't really expect anyone to say much to this and you don't have to do the same old "tomorrow needs you…" or "one day at a time" stuff. i just want to type because im frustrated and i want to rip my eyeballs out.
i just want to be happy again like i was in 2015/2016 but the money, time, and innocence has been lost and i don't even think it's possible anymore. its possible for other people but not me. i'm too neurotic, too anxious, too sucked into this mindset and damaged by it over the years. it feels like i'd just be faking it.get into some social circles like a well intentioned parasite until the desire for self destruction grows until it starts fucking everything up for everyone. maybe that wouldn't happen this time though, after all the shit thats happened the past few years and me fucking up a lot and analyzing my behavior.
i want peace. but sometimes it feels like killing myself is eventual because the shit doesn't stop, and it sucks watching the people that you do get close to move on to better things, or to react negatively to your shittiness, or get hurt because you did something fucked up. i half think i just did this subconsciously so i would have an excuse to kill myself and maybe after some more time goes by if it doesn't get better than that's the road i'll take. i'm tired of the pain and the shit of everyday waking up and remembering the fucked up decisions you made that lead you to the life you're about to have to live and then immediately regret living through the night. so fucking sad. how can one person be so fucked up and stupid
just keep your head up, its not over yet, you're just waiting for the major comeback, you probably just need to do something really different, something radical, but don't kill yourself if you kill yourself you'll have to repeat this lyfe time again.. start back level one -
2019-09-30 at 5:21 AM UTCnigger just move on and let it go, shit will get better, this is easy shit to get over, everyone has existential crisis' man you'll get over it.
Find something new instead of wallowing, anxiety is a finely tuned vibration that can be a centrifugal factor propelling you somewhere good. Wherever it is it'll be better than what you're goin through. You'll see, just quit bein a bitch and you'll get something new, different and more suitable -
2019-09-30 at 5:24 AM UTCgo one whole day without thinking of yourself
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2019-09-30 at 5:25 AM UTCyou need to stop tweakin'
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2019-09-30 at 5:28 AM UTCLive and learn, fam.
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2019-09-30 at 5:29 AM UTC
Originally posted by larrylegend8383 go one whole day without thinking of yourself
this is probably good advice, just like when you think about pulling your pud maybe you should just try letting it go, you might feel like doing it but just let it go, i know its easier said than done. I lie awake all the time thinking constantly about my life to where I feel like that as well but you need to let things go and get some sleep eventually -
2019-09-30 at 5:31 AM UTC
Originally posted by Sudo nigger just move on and let it go, shit will get better, this is easy shit to get over, everyone has existential crisis' man you'll get over it.
Find something new instead of wallowing, anxiety is a finely tuned vibration that can be a centrifugal factor propelling you somewhere good. Wherever it is it'll be better than what you're goin through. You'll see, just quit bein a bitch and you'll get something new, different and more suitable
everybody says that but it's not that easy. and it is actually likely my life will be quite a bit shittier now, even if i'm hoping for the best. so i think it's rational kind of. i guess sitting around worrying about it is kind of pointless but i feel super anxious like all the time now and worry and obsess about shit has been just what i do since forever. i don't know what else to do. maybe i'm just brain damaged or retarded -
2019-09-30 at 5:43 AM UTCWhat the fuck happened to you over in Iraq?
Hope you can move on..your only in your 20s early 30s? -
2019-10-03 at 7:53 AM UTC
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2019-10-03 at 8:01 AM UTCyoull find something to do eventually
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2019-10-03 at 8:58 AM UTCI know nothing I say is going to probably make much of a difference, so I'm not going to type Malice-esque essays to try to convince you otherwise. I'll just say that I pretty much could've written all of that. My problems seemed big at the time- a good reason to check out of life for a while and wallow in misery. But it really just delayed the inevitable and wasted so much time. You might not ever feel the way you did, again. But we're different people every ten years anyway. Maybe you did completely fuck your brain up, but it's more likely that being dumped by your boo thang has jarred you into some serious introspection, and you feel like shit right now....but that you'll also feel okay again.
I thought I'd completely lobotomized myself, for real. And I definitely don't have the same spark I did when I was 18 but who the fuck does? The only way you're going to get your life back is managing the depression, making connections with others, finding meaning in your life, and laying off the fucking drugs. The only thing that's going to help is time and effort- both of which feel impossible at times, I know. Maybe you don't have it in you to do right now. But if you genuinely are fed up enough to change your life, you can be that dude again. Life isn't going to be fantastic all the time, and you'll need to learn to deal with life as it comes, without the crutches and shortcuts. But you CAN be HAPPY and you can have PEACE if you so choose.
/Malice-esque essayThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2019-10-03 at 10:40 AM UTCSunk costs man.
Where are you now, what do you want to do, what do you need to do to get to it?
I mean shit sucks, no doubt. but eventually you have to just write off your losses and keep trying.
I think most of the time we agonize over old shit or get frustrated over repeating cycles, it is because we are refusing to learn the lesson that the situation presented. Any time I catch myself yearning for a time machine, it's a mental flag for self reflection for me, because it tells me somehow my expectations are at odds with reality. There's something there about me (or you) to be found, that needs to be accepted.
Whenever I have an old memory where I just hate how I acted, how things went, I find myself replaying it, thinking of what a retard I was, and the reflexive, autonomic way that I kill that train of thought is a soft spontaneous touretty utterance like "Fucking kill yourself". I don't know why. It just happens.
But rather than steering away from these moments and burying those thoughts, I started steering into them. I really will think about those situations and mistakes, and reflect. Maybe I should have been silent. Maybe I should have thought more. Maybe I should have spoken up. Whatever. I embrace the cringe and use it as an opportunity to learn from it and thus forgive myself, because I'm not that person any more, I've learnt. -
2019-10-03 at 2:01 PM UTCI find it helps me somewhat in times like this to acknowledge and recognize that I have a very real mental illness that causes my brain to work differently than someone without those issues. I suspect you probably do, too, certainly with anxiety and depression at the very least and possibly PTSD or other things as well. This doesn't make you "flawed" or "broken" (I struggle to convince myself of this and often fall back into believing I'm defective and inferior) it just means you process thoughts and emotions differently and are more prone to impulsive and irrational decisions.
Your problems didn't arise solely from substance abuse, your substance abuse likely was a result of you trying to mitigate the negative symptoms you're experiencing. Anyone in their right mind who is as acutely aware of their depression/anxiety like you are would obviously take whatever steps they could to get rid of those awful feelings and for you that solution was drugs. Some use alcohol, or sex, or self harm, or sick and deranged things far worse than getting high. It's all different forms of coping mechanisms. You aren't a failure or a piece of shit for being desperate for relief of your pain. -
2019-10-03 at 2:11 PM UTCGo to therapy
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2019-10-03 at 2:23 PM UTCJack off twice.
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2019-10-03 at 3:31 PM UTC
Originally posted by Rear Naked Joke Sunk costs man.
Where are you now, what do you want to do, what do you need to do to get to it?
I mean shit sucks, no doubt. but eventually you have to just write off your losses and keep trying.
I think most of the time we agonize over old shit or get frustrated over repeating cycles, it is because we are refusing to learn the lesson that the situation presented. Any time I catch myself yearning for a time machine, it's a mental flag for self reflection for me, because it tells me somehow my expectations are at odds with reality. There's something there about me (or you) to be found, that needs to be accepted.
Whenever I have an old memory where I just hate how I acted, how things went, I find myself replaying it, thinking of what a retard I was, and the reflexive, autonomic way that I kill that train of thought is a soft spontaneous touretty utterance like "Fucking kill yourself". I don't know why. It just happens.
But rather than steering away from these moments and burying those thoughts, I started steering into them. I really will think about those situations and mistakes, and reflect. Maybe I should have been silent. Maybe I should have thought more. Maybe I should have spoken up. Whatever. I embrace the cringe and use it as an opportunity to learn from it and thus forgive myself, because I'm not that person any more, I've learnt.
I know what the lesson was, I know how I failed. It was obvious. I was just strung out and not in a position to handle anything that life threw at me in an appropriate way and so I handled them in bad ways that fucked over myself or other people. I'm not the same person anymore, but the fallout is still incredibly painful to deal with. And my life has undeniably permanently changed trajectory because of those decisions. And it sucks to feel broken while I see her just hit the ground running because I'm finally not dragging her down and for her to hate me because of it. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for giving her up. I know everybody says something similar when they break up, but I'm being really objective I think when I say that I won't find someone else as good as her. Maybe 5 years ago I could have but now I had a lot of baggage and problems. So I just need to deal with the consequences I guess.
Originally posted by Solstice I find it helps me somewhat in times like this to acknowledge and recognize that I have a very real mental illness that causes my brain to work differently than someone without those issues. I suspect you probably do, too, certainly with anxiety and depression at the very least and possibly PTSD or other things as well. This doesn't make you "flawed" or "broken" (I struggle to convince myself of this and often fall back into believing I'm defective and inferior) it just means you process thoughts and emotions differently and are more prone to impulsive and irrational decisions.
Your problems didn't arise solely from substance abuse, your substance abuse likely was a result of you trying to mitigate the negative symptoms you're experiencing. Anyone in their right mind who is as acutely aware of their depression/anxiety like you are would obviously take whatever steps they could to get rid of those awful feelings and for you that solution was drugs. Some use alcohol, or sex, or self harm, or sick and deranged things far worse than getting high. It's all different forms of coping mechanisms. You aren't a failure or a piece of shit for being desperate for relief of your pain.
All true, but I mean it's a failure because it makes me not as good as someone else. For example, a lot of the time I'd be too paranoid to leave the house so we'd stay inside when she wanted to go do stuff. And yea, the reason I didn't want to leave was because I was dealing with some mental shit, not because I wanted to be cruel or boring, but in the end if her new guy doesn't have that same issue, well, it doesn't matter much what you name it then because either way I lost out.
Originally posted by CASPER I know nothing I say is going to probably make much of a difference, so I'm not going to type Malice-esque essays to try to convince you otherwise. I'll just say that I pretty much could've written all of that. My problems seemed big at the time- a good reason to check out of life for a while and wallow in misery. But it really just delayed the inevitable and wasted so much time. You might not ever feel the way you did, again. But we're different people every ten years anyway. Maybe you did completely fuck your brain up, but it's more likely that being dumped by your boo thang has jarred you into some serious introspection, and you feel like shit right now….but that you'll also feel okay again.
I thought I'd completely lobotomized myself, for real. And I definitely don't have the same spark I did when I was 18 but who the fuck does? The only way you're going to get your life back is managing the depression, making connections with others, finding meaning in your life, and laying off the fucking drugs. The only thing that's going to help is time and effort- both of which feel impossible at times, I know. Maybe you don't have it in you to do right now. But if you genuinely are fed up enough to change your life, you can be that dude again. Life isn't going to be fantastic all the time, and you'll need to learn to deal with life as it comes, without the crutches and shortcuts. But you CAN be HAPPY and you can have PEACE if you so choose.
/Malice-esque essay
I don't know man, I've never felt peaceful, even before the drugs> Always been really on edge/angsty/obsessive. I'm supposed to find like a totally new mindset/way to live that I've never learned before. -
2019-10-03 at 3:36 PM UTCFuck shit ass bitch cunt shoobudy do whop Christopher ReeveThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2019-10-03 at 5:51 PM UTC
Originally posted by OG_GREENPLASTIC_JOHNSON_III I know what the lesson was, I know how I failed. It was obvious. I was just strung out and not in a position to handle anything that life threw at me in an appropriate way and so I handled them in bad ways that fucked over myself or other people. I'm not the same person anymore, but the fallout is still incredibly painful to deal with. And my life has undeniably permanently changed trajectory because of those decisions. And it sucks to feel broken while I see her just hit the ground running because I'm finally not dragging her down and for her to hate me because of it. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for giving her up. I know everybody says something similar when they break up, but I'm being really objective I think when I say that I won't find someone else as good as her. Maybe 5 years ago I could have but now I had a lot of baggage and problems. So I just need to deal with the consequences I guess.
All true, but I mean it's a failure because it makes me not as good as someone else. For example, a lot of the time I'd be too paranoid to leave the house so we'd stay inside when she wanted to go do stuff. And yea, the reason I didn't want to leave was because I was dealing with some mental shit, not because I wanted to be cruel or boring, but in the end if her new guy doesn't have that same issue, well, it doesn't matter much what you name it then because either way I lost out.
I don't know man, I've never felt peaceful, even before the drugs> Always been really on edge/angsty/obsessive. I'm supposed to find like a totally new mindset/way to live that I've never learned before.
NA dude. Theres people there who robbed people, dug through trash cans, had their kids taken away from them, stole from dying family members. As long as you dwell on the past, it will continue to plague your present. You have mental health and addiction issues. We deal with things in fucked up ways. First question you need to ask is do you even want to be better, or do you think youve just fucked everything up for good? -
2019-10-03 at 6:56 PM UTCBefore you can accurately assess the state of your life and your future, you have to be off the drugs. The drugs can make you believe anything, including things that aren't true. You can't trust anything your mind tells you, if you are on drugs. First get off the drugs, then assess.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
