Originally posted by Technologist
But why deny your natural urges?
I value self control above many things, anything that impinges upon it makes me wary. I would deny myself before being led.
To be overpowered by emotions is weak to me and repugnant.
I told her how i felt and she said I'm not her type[then sent mixed signals, odd since shes so straight forward]. Clearing the air helped for a bit then that shit came back stronger. That said the context in which we meet is when I drive, till i renew my shit, not going to tempt fate. I need to be alone for a bit too.
Our last encounter was strange, she said I worry her because I don't give a shit, I'm bad luck and make her uncomfortable. while she sits in my pickup putting on makeup for 20 mins and then we had words about personal shit. She tells me to be solid and I want her to be real. The idea of making her uncomfortable sucks for me, last thing I want and told her as much, told her to tell me to fuck off and I will, she didn't reply.
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Update: we still talk, i havent seen her for a bit. she's stranded in saskatchewan lol asking me on facebook to see if her benefits are in. she's mad and says she wants come home and needs tech and orange juice. she's such a basket case, if i didn't like her i would judge harshly.
Originally posted by Nil
Update: we still talk, i havent seen her for a bit. she's stranded in Saskatchewan lol asking me on facebook to see if her benefits are in. she's mad and says she wants come home and needs tech and orange juice. she's such a basket case, if i didn't like her i would judge harshly.
Judge harshly regardless. If she had it together she wouldn't be stranded in Saskatchewan. Girls, especially pretty/cute ones get away with way too much shit anyways. It's not healthy for them or the people around them. You're not together anymore right? You're under no obligation to acquiesce to any of her crazy. And if you do, you have no right to complain about it.
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Well, I ended up driving 3 hours to get her on the 1st. yea yea i know ..... she didn't come back with me but i don't think she expected me to come either.
Anyway, she put me up at her girls place while she was getting ready to leave. mostly just whisky, tech, smoking weed and late 90's rap while reading on the couch. lent her my truck, which i got a little paranoid about doing beforehand and regret being distrustful on that. She went through my phone at some point and started getting mad cuz I was looking up bitches on leolist, started interrogating me about this shit lol. Like I figured she didn't care about me but... i didn't care cuz i'm not rational when it comes to her. just want to be there if she needs a hand. with no regards.
"i'm not some hoe" "just get a hooker" "what are those sites.... to find women"
Like I would drive 3 hours for a some hoe, i actually got insulted and sent her a long screed after then she blocked me on FB. I sent her an email a couple weeks later and she replied, and what she said she must have read it all. Now I'm just confused.
Maybe I'm just super fucking dense? I wish she communicated easier. I like her cuz she was blunt when we met, then she wasn't so blunt, then everyone I know said she was playing me only she got defensive cuz I sent her money for smokes when she asked me. Actually she gets defensive with me over shit that I don't care about. I don't judge her, like damn woman just cuz I'm not too keen on crime doesn't mean i judge it's just a risk-reward for me, sorry I digress.
Anyway, I don't think I can have her as a friend, we argue too much and the feelz won't die down or go away. And i think if she wanted me it's different now cuz i'm just some dude who wants to bang whores to her now. like wtf she said she'd get me laid with sluts which i was like "yea whatever" but all of a sudden this is a problem.
Nil, Walk away my dude. She’s pretty mixed up from the sounds of it.
If you get with her, in a few months, or possibly longer, you’ll be coming on here after a bad breakup saying, “I told you all life is fucked up”. Then I’ll have to kick your ass for staying and asking for it with all these “red flags”.
Originally posted by Technologist
Nil, Walk away my dude. She’s pretty mixed up from the sounds of it.
If you get with her, in a few months, or possibly longer, you’ll be coming on here after a bad breakup saying, “I told you all life is fucked up”. Then I’ll have to kick your ass for staying and asking for it with all these “red flags”.
It's just... i dunno we have chemistry, we have nothing in common but she gets me in a sense. Not many do, not only does she put up with my tactless remarks but she tells me not to apologize for them (i usually do, shit just comes out)
But yea stability isn't her, she's in the wind, on the run and looking to stay up. we're an odd duo.
And I was trying to back off but I have a really hard time putting her out of mind, like i was hurt when she blocked me, which i laughed at myself about because of my general detachment. but this is something I'm having trouble with. fucking love i guess? Really never expected this.
The heart wants what the heart wants, doesn’t mean it’s good for the soul. I know, cliche, but true.
She’s got you all in a tizzy. You can’t stop yourself from having these feelings, and it sounds like she accepts you for you, which is wayyyyyyy important.
But, to be brutally honest, I don’t get the feeling that she reciprocates your feelings; and I hate to see you hurt, and turn into a woman hater.
I don’t know what to say, she’s got a hold on you.
Originally posted by Technologist
But, to be brutally honest, I don’t get the feeling that she reciprocates your feelings; and I hate to see you hurt, and turn into a woman hater.
yea I know, I'm a fool not an idiot.
I liked her cuz she doesn't give a fuck, the flip side is she doesn't give a fuck. but then all of a sudden she cares enough to get mad at me, cares enough that she thinks she needs to prove something to me(this is kinda a big deal as she really doesn't seem to give a shit about what other people think besides how she looks lol). then I send long messages which aren't always "nice" like yea i love ya and would rather not but don' insult me type shit and she doesn't just cut me out. . The whole situation is weird af, from our first meeting to what we were up to, like really we don't know each other that well. and she disappeared as soon as she appeared in my life. Fuck if it wasn't for the chance encounter before she left I probably would haven't spoken to her again but that kinda tripped me out tbh. city of a million and i see her when I'm leaving my friends place. and she's all over the place all the time.
I'll always be there for her, she accused me of trying to buy her her which i took offense at, it's more... i dunno indulging her is like indulging myself. Her words almost bear the weight of a command to me a man who would rather die than be led. My pride goes out the window along with my rationality. And it doesn't bother me in the slightest when it takes hold. I told her this, told her it's not me as well. I believe "love sick faggot doting on you" or something like that is what i said. I try and be honest with her, sometimes it's not a good way to go about things but I'm pretty conflicted about this myself. It's getting the better of me.
In her way she kinda snapped me out of the malaise I was in, part of the reason I decided to change shit up and not kill myself. called my bluff in a sense.
I don't know where I stand she's a goddamn mystery to me, I honestly think I might have hurt her a bit looking up whores lol, which I still find funny in a way, not like we're dating ya know just sort of dancing around each other. even our petty arguments are funny to me, like damn woman at least fuck me if you're gonna bitch me out. It's not just about getting laid with her tho, i just like her. I admire and respect her.
But yeah i was planning on focusing on my affairs cuz there all kinds of fucked rite now, I'll prob wish her well when christmas rolls around even tho I don't really celebrate anything.
Originally posted by Nil
I'll always be there for her, she accused me of trying to buy her her which i took offense at, it's more… i dunno indulging her is like indulging myself. Her words almost bear the weight of a command to me a man who would rather die than be led. My pride goes out the window along with my rationality. And it doesn't bother me in the slightest when it takes hold. I told her this, told her it's not me as well. I believe "love sick faggot doting on you" or something like that is what i said. I try and be honest with her, sometimes it's not a good way to go about things but I'm pretty conflicted about this myself. It's getting the better of me.
In her way she kinda snapped me out of the malaise I was in, part of the reason I decided to change shit up and not kill myself. called my bluff in a sense.
I don't know where I stand she's a goddamn mystery to me, I honestly think I might have hurt her a bit looking up whores lol, which I still find funny in a way, not like we're dating ya know just sort of dancing around each other. even our petty arguments are funny to me, like damn woman at least fuck me if you're gonna bitch me out. It's not just about getting laid with her tho, i just like her. I admire and respect her.
Ok, well this tells me a lot. It’s love, and you know it. Be glad you found it, and have a chance to feel it. I was very much in love with a man from Australia when I was 27. I never told him though, I knew he had to go back. I knew it was love when I was constantly thinking of ways to make him happy/excite him. Picked him up at the airport with nothin on but a long black leather coat, stuff like that. No man ever brought that out in me, not like that. It truly is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. Embrace this feeling my friend, it doesn’t come along often.💙
Originally posted by Technologist
Ok, well this tells me a lot. It’s love, and you know it. Be glad you found it, and have a chance to feel it.
I dunno, it's kinda fucking with me lol. it would be nice if i wasn't so strange all the years in the basement reading nietzche, playing Counter-strike and masturbating probably stunted me in a way. It's not like women didn't come on to me it just never mattered to me. Then it does? I would rather feel nothing.
Detached equanimity is what I want, is what I cultivated. So much for that idea. a few wet holes and the embrace of a woman? fucking bullshit organism I am.
She's around again, saw her a few times. More of the same... Managed to piss her off enough that she sent a couple long texts back2back saying she wants to hate me and if she sees me again she'll kill me. So I dunno how to proceed. I dunno if a milkshake is gonna b enough.
