Maybe five days in my spice desperation I pawned my bass guitar and my bass amp for probably what was 10$ worth of spice in total and a handful of codeine pills. I took all of the codeine and smoked and since I took too much of it, it became pretty hard to breathe. I was already on an amphetamine binge, had bundy and CPM in me, which was giving me weird spice-like hallucinations where the world around me would morph into itself.I was looking at vicky's autism face pic and the different layers of her face would swap with one another.
Anyways, once my dad got home, he found like 30 beer cans in a closet and saw the bass was missing, and immediately called an ambulance. Which was totally unnecessary but I guess he was really pissed.. I was nodding out a bit in the emergency room where they did absolutely nothing and proceeded to sleep for 3 days when they transferred me to the psychiatric ward, only waking to respond to their questions.
My parents co-ordinated with the hospital that if I don't follow through with the rehab program, my parents will evict me and then I'll be homeless. Which would suck so obviously I agreed, even though I was freaking the fuck out on the car ride home because I basically just spent 3 days in a hospital for selling my own bass guitar. But now I genuinely plan to be off spice, while still possibly using bundy here or there, and maybe smoking actual weed instead of f. weedicus strains and derivatives containing AB-DABABA-DOOOO-343498923.
I feel like I fucked up a nerve in my neck, because the hospital beds are uncomfortable as fuck and I was pretty much sleeping in the same position for my entire stay, and then when I woke up, besides jerking off in the Mens bathroom, I noticed that my left eyelid was twitching, and it still is, and I can't tell if that's something that's actually happening or I'm just getting all psychoneurotic about some smalll thing that I'm only imagining. Either way, don't wanna damage dem neurons because once you do it's hard to repair them sometimes, despite unspecified body region neurogenesis. I've been doing demon-possession like convulsions in my spare time to flex certain neck muscles that connect to the eyebrow because I believe if I make the connections stronger it'll stabilize any twitching there may be, but who knows, it could possibly even increase it.
I went to my rehab counselor and usually I can make up or remember a bunch of great things I learned about drugs and otherwise to try to impress her or otherwise just fill in dead space but this time I think I didn't bullshit very well and I feel kind of embarrassed because it probably made me seem extremely pretentious. Like, I go "cannabis is a partial agonist at cannabinoid receptors while synthetic cannabinoids are typically full agonists, and I think the cannabinoids in the brain are what give color to life, and through that color people interact with the world, and these interactions produce neurogenesis, and when you abuse cannabinoids as a rebound the world seems very flat and grey and that has to do with reduced neurogenesis"
"i wonder if people could abuse SSRIs by inhaling the combustion byproducts or injecting them, because amphetamines and SSRIs both mainly work on the three primary neurotransmitter systems of adrenaline, serotonin, and dopamine, so finding the right byproduct could possibly be a recreational drug, or injecting an SSRI might caught profound effects because of the serotonin dump in the blood like an MDMA roll possibly"
or "psychedelics work on 5HT2A, uh serotonin receptors, second type, subtype A, and SSRIs just generally increase the amount of serotonin in the synapse, so when I overdosed on antidepressants there was possibly enough serotonin in the synapse to bind to low affinity target receptors like 5HT2A, which caused the hallucinations induced by zoloft"..
I guess the things I've said may be true on some level but now I feel embarrassed because I probably came off as extremely narcissistic to her, oh well, next time I go in i'll try to have a little bit more respect during conversation and not to be so egocentric. Just overly convoluted shit.
My amphetamine benders have pretty much gone to waste anyway, because even though I've created my test (and it's a very good test IMO) there's nothing I can really....do with it. My main goals were to complete my test and make my website. Besides that, I like to read wikipedia and pubmed but my interests have basically been limited to a select few topics: specific receptor affinities of various psychiatric medications, effects of these receptors and psychiatric medications on neurogenesis, biological findings in mental illness, genetics of personality and mental illness, chemicals that induce neurogenesis, neurological assessments, personality assessments, and IQ testing.
Which is cool and all but I already know enough on these topics (and neuroscience and psychology on a general level), and I don't know what I should get into next, because learning an entirely new topic requires entirely new pattern separations that requires more mental energy than simply elaborating on a topic you are already knowledgeable about, and nothing really seems to catch my interest that much. I've been playing a lot of video games and I used to make pen and paper "video games" so working on something like that could possibly be fun, but it would obviously be a tremendous amount of effort and I don't know if I have the energy for something that intensive.
That's why making IQ test problems and visual logic puzzles was so fun for me. They're sort of like games, and you need a lot of creativity and reasoning, and all you need to create one is MS paint and some relationships between the objects you draw, with higher complexities correlating with higher difficulties. The only other thing I would do on amphetamines would be type giant posts which is always a lot of fun because the more you write the larger your e-peen is, and when you see how fucking long your final post is, and press submit, it's like an orgasm and then you spent the following hours obsessive reading over your beautiful meth post.
I finally understand what the 12 looping entities hallucination on starter fluid meant. Because reality is organized into different logic levels, on various microscopic/macroscopic scales (atoms, quarks, planets, etc), and a ll of these levels are interdependent on one another to function as a cohesive system (see profile pic)
I feel like dying a lot of the time because no will + drugs + boredom, but so it goes and then I feel better and don't care..as long as I keep the methposts flowing everythings good
thoughts?
