Our progress so far:
Originally posted by Jυicebox
Maybe I'm being a hypochondriac but I have the same severe symptoms I had before, so I may have given myself the rhabdo again
I will not be getting it treated this time. If you're a long time member of this community and I like you, send me a PayPal address and I might send you some money if I think I'm dying
Originally posted by Jυicebox
Don't worry, I'm sure I'll wuss out eventually
Originally posted by Technologist
Why does this rhabdo keep occurring?
(Note: and renal failure. Don't know how I forgot that)
Originally posted by Jυicebox
It probably never got fully fixed the first time it happened, and it keeps coming back due to dehydration and completely unreasonable amounts of alcohol
Originally posted by Jυicebox
My hands and feet are almost totally numb and my throat is so swollen that I can't sleep for more than 30 minutes without waking up choking
Things should be getting interesting here pretty soon
Originally posted by Jυicebox
I do love the way my voice sounds when my throat is swollen like this though
I wonder if it's some sort of mental abnormality though rather than an actual change
I sound like a male version of Lisa Johansson
Originally posted by Jυicebox
I'm not even depressed anymore, although it does come back intermittently
Now, it's just that nothing in this world will satisfy me and if it does, it's only an evolutionary biological response
Originally posted by Jυicebox
Examples?
I feel peaceful because I know that I won't have to deal with any of this shit for much longer
I specifically chose this method of death because I wanted to prove to myself that I REALLY wanted to die.
I have an extensive firearm collection. If it was some kind of stupid drunken impulse I would've blasted myself already
Originally posted by Jυicebox
Physically, yes. I'm shaking like a Parkinson's patient and feel like I'm freezing to death. Rapid and "serious-feeling" heart palpitations are intermittent and Kussmaul breathing is beginning, as is dystonia and muscle swelling.
Not to mention the feeling of impending doom.
But mentally, I'm peaceful.
(Note: I now think that what I thought at the time was Kussmaul Breathing was just an intermittent panic attack and the heart palpitations were probably just a combination of that and a rather high caffeine intake)
Originally posted by Jυicebox
Believe it or not, this is one of the reasons I'm doing this. I woke up the other day with eight empty boxes of 5.56 hollow point ammunition and all magazines of my various 5.56 firearms loaded, with no memory of buying it or loading said magazines
I don't know what I was thinking of doing, but there's no point in anybody else getting hurt over my mental problems
Originally posted by Jυicebox
At the same time though, loading firearm magazines is one of the few things I've found to alleviate acute mental problems, so it was probably just that
Originally posted by Jυicebox
I don't consider what I'm doing to be suicide, just voluntarily allowing the consequences of my actions to take their course.
It's been like this for over a decade, and my memory of my childhood has recently come back. It's not going to change. If it would, it would've happened already.
I am selling the guns, any money I make from it will be used to compensate the people here that have helped me survive as long as I have.
Originally posted by Jυicebox
Coherency fades in and out. My co-workers get most of the crazy, and by the end of my average 12 hour shift I'm too tired to acknowledge the crazy.
Look at the zoomed picture Karen posted. Clearly there's something wrong.
the alcohol doesn't help my mental state but it keeps me sedated enough to not flip out on those around me, which I very much do without it
The CBD helped a lot at first, but eventually it just made the psychosis worse
I don't mind the questions. I've got nothing else to do and the consequences of answering won't matter soon
During my sober times, I feel very unstable. I lose my fucking mind over the smallest of problems while having little to no response to the major ones
Originally posted by Jυicebox
No. It definitely won't be a surprise to her though. Had to quit talking to her about that sort of thing, she just freaks out. Will probably end up tstm'ing this account to prevent it from being found. At least two people I know IRL know about this place and one of them I'd really like to think this was a medical problem
I am a bit worried about somebody finding this at an inopportune moment, but meh
We'll take it as a test of will, lol
Sorry to the people I got pissed off at last night
Nothing personal, i was very drunk
Originally posted by aldra
the only thing that makes sense to me is he used the AUG to rob someone and is now wearing all their clothes
Hah, I had actually just gotten back from a funeral and I hate dressing up, so I thought I'd go ahead and take some pictures
Originally posted by Sudo
Have you ever tried meditating? What would be a purpose you would feel less empty pursuing?
I was big into meditation and occultism as a teenager. Hell, for a while I thought my mental issues were punishment for my involvement in Satanism as a teen (which are apparently both hallmarks of schizophrenia)
Originally posted by Technologist
But if your mind fucks with you like that, how are you able to be coherent on here daily?
I feel that I didn't answer this question honestly the first time.
Basically, I can feel my grasp on reality slipping away, finding myself freaking out at work for an entire day POSITIVE somebody is either in my house fucking with my shit or planting things, or has a key to my house and is going to do some fucked up shit to me while I'm asleep. Totally sober.
I ended up clearing my house with guns drawn, and being unable to sleep because I KNEW somebody was coming.
And I KNOW that it's bullshit, but I still can't shake the feeling. I posted about one of the worst ones a few weeks ago but deleted it out of paranoia, and I now wish I hadn't.
The paranoia has always been there but it got much worse ever since that incident with the stupid fucking sprinkler people
Anyway, I'd rather die with dignity, with freedoms and mental faculties intact than live and watch everybody I know abandon me because of erratic behavior (which they've already started doing) and watch my freedoms get eroded one by one because I'm "a danger to myself and/or others" or "mentally deficient."
Or, God Forbid, go out on a crime spree or mass shooting. What if I turned into a serial rapist and/or killer?
I'm not high, not drunk, not in withdrawal, not being persuaded or coerced, and (I believe) mentally lucid enough to make this decision for myself, and i know that won't always be the case. My only regret is that I won't be able to donate my organs to people that would appreciate them more than me.
Originally posted by aldra
Have you considered signing up for experimental therapies? I don't know if there are any universities or anything doing psych research near you, but if you feel like you've got nothing to lose you might as well.
i haven't, and I will look into it. I never thought of that.
Originally posted by DietYellow
Juicebox, have you considered palliative care? If it gets real painful you can go on palli care and refuse treatment.
Honestly I don't think I'd like to die in a hospital at this point in my life. Maybe later. Not now, I'd rather be alone when it happens. My family would aggravate me.
I have enough contacts available that I could take care of palliative care myself if it got bad. And with my record of mental health visits they would probably disregard any DNR requests. I do wish I could find something to get rid of the dystonia though
