2019-04-29 at 9:11 PM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
Millions of our ancestors are dead and gone.
We all strive to get to the cheese at the end of our own rat races, but, like Lily Tomlin once said "even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat".
Physical pleasures are transient and ultimately meaningless.
We might like to pretend that there are ways in which we can create lasting value, like by creating art, or contributing scientific knowledge to our libraries, or even by reproducing.
But it's all self-serving anyhow.
There's no such thing as a legacy.
Why the fuck does anyone do anything? Are we just a bunch of automata striving to create our own legacy?
To what end, though? Does any of that shit matter once the very biological matter we consist of decomposes?
Why carry on this farce? Like, for real, why do the rest of you do it?
I feel like a fool for carrying on without being able to answer what should really be an incredibly simple question.
"Why?"
I simply do not know how to answer that.
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2019-04-29 at 9:13 PM UTC
they already wrote about this in the bible 2000 years ago so this thread means nothing
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2019-04-29 at 9:22 PM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
This is going to be my own personal self-rant thread.
Fuck, I'm hella mad and disappointed in myself.
Normally I'm a cheerier dude. Kinda sorta at least.
But I have been drinking for like 5 days straight.
And now I have become acclimatized to only experiencing any pleasure in life when I am intoxicated.
That's fucked up.
How did I get this way?
2019-04-29 at 9:23 PM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
Every conceivable outcome is utterly bleak and devastating.
I can't foresee happiness in my future unless it comes in a can or a bottle.
2019-04-29 at 9:28 PM UTC
Originally posted by gadzooks
Benzos are part of the problem.
I think what angers me the most is that I blacked out on Friday night. I didn't take any benzos, but sometimes alcohol can be enough to induce a full on black out all on its lonesome.
I woke up with a sore/bruised face, and I don't even know if it was human induced or from a fall.
I also interacted with all kinds of people during that timeframe.
Like, wtf did I do and say to people? The fact that I will never know makes me so mad I just can't even…
i mean can you like make a compromise with yourself though? like don't drink at all but have a set dosage of etiz or smoke weed or something moderate that won't fuck your life up and make you depressed but still gives you a little buzz
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2019-04-29 at 9:28 PM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
And now only alcohol can offer me the sweet comfort and consolation it always does.
And because I'm at home, I know I'm not out getting into shenanigans that I won't ever remember.
2019-04-29 at 9:29 PM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
And sobriety scares the bejesus out of me.
2019-04-29 at 9:34 PM UTC
Only thing that works for me is distracting myself with work and trying to save money for when I have a reason to be here or die
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2019-04-29 at 9:35 PM UTC
Originally posted by gadzooks
I've been trying for like 15-20 years do find the perfect drug regime but have failed over and over and over again.
if it's something you set a hard limit to and you respect that limit, and that limit is below the amount needed to impair your judgement so much that you blackout/make the decision to do more, i don't see how that could fail. if you are anything like i am, i have a feeling you just want to be fucked up a lot of the time (i don't blame you)
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2019-04-29 at 9:48 PM UTC
Just try to get in some cheap trills and you'll find purpose.
2019-04-29 at 9:53 PM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
I actually do have some things that I enjoy intrinsically without being drunk.
I think right now I'm just trying to deal with the whole blacking out thing.
I don't know how common it is for others, but for me, and I drink every single night, blacking out is rare as fuck.
But I worry about what I do when I'm in that state.
What if I'm a villain? Maybe I have a Dr Jekyll / Mr Hyde thing going on... Maybe I committed some unspeakable act.
I have absolutely no way of knowing for sure.
Its a downright horrible feeling is what it is.
Like, I recently posted that police report from when the cops beat my ass into a concussion. I was not blacked out when that happened (at least, not until the concussion induced a black out).
I know I was in the right.
In fact, logic is entirely on my side anyway. Were I up to no good, I'd have been dragged down to the station.
For all I know, once I blacked out (from the concussion, not alcohol), I might have pulled some Jason Bourne shit and just took down five cops before regaining consciousness.
But that's pretty ridiculous obviously.
They were in the wrong, and I know that for a fact.
But I don't know if on Friday I didn't do something genuinely wrong and/or illegal.
I just want confirmation that I didn't do anything wrong.
I'll never have that.
It sucks. It blows. It simultaneously sucks and blows.
2019-04-29 at 9:56 PM UTC
Uh yeah. Blacking out isn't a good thing.
