2019-04-07 at 6:14 AM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
I'm sitting at a bar, drunk on the medicine that typically renders me euphoric, care-free, and absolutely brimming with confidence and optimism.
But, alas, I feel nothing but utter contempt for every living human occupant in this establishment, but also, and evermoreso, towards myself.
So, if you want to end up hating life when you hit your mid 30's, adhere strictly to the following advice.
If you'd rather thrive and prosper, well, aim for the opposite.
1. Be a complete and total pushover. Always respond to every request, no matter how outlandish, with "yes". Drop the word "no" completely from your vocabulary. Afterall, people will like you more if you are nicer to them. Its absolutely absurd to think that they will only appreciate the favor for mere seconds, while storing somewhere permanently in their brain that you are a favor-giving machine that will never tell them "no".
2. Develop a substance addiction. It could be the classic yet all-to-cliche alcohol, or it could be opiates or stimulants, or anything really for that matter. If you can't experience happiness without it, congratulations, you have nailed this step right here.
3. Always strive for perfection. You really want to never feel satisfied with any of your so-called "accomplishments". Unless you are the absolute best at literally everything, you must consider yourself to be lower than shit mixed with pond scum. Pride in something you've worked long and hard at? LOL, the fuck outta here.
4. Be as independent as you can. Never, ever allow yourself to seek out help, even if it's just someone to listen to you about your problems for a few minutes. Afterall, you are strong, not weak like those pathetic little weaklings that ask others for help when they need it. DIY? More like DEY... Do Everything Yourself. Anything short of that makes you average...
5. Never let yourself be average. If you fall inside the meaty centre of the bell curve, you are basically worthless. Pride is only for the top 0.000001%. Now imagine being smack dab in the middle of the curve..? Fucking sepuku ASAP.
That's about the gist of it.
Now don't you want to grow up to be just like me?
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2019-04-07 at 6:44 AM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
Turns out it's Jersey Shore night here tonight.
Four physical altercations have broken out in under an hour so far. Two guidettes ended up brawling on the floor until bar employees physically broke it up.
I suddenly feel like less of a failure.
Moral of the story: seek out people who are even bigger fuck ups than yourself. They act as a reminder that things can always be worse.
2019-04-07 at 8:03 PM UTC
Instigator
Naturally Camouflaged
[the staring tame crusher]
Always a positive if you develop a mental health problem along the way.
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2019-04-07 at 11:32 PM UTC
already got it taken care of lmao thanks though
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2019-04-07 at 11:54 PM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
Also get fat too.
Even when I'm broke, if I'm in peak physical physique I can at least get laid with ease.
But right now, I'm broke, fat, and an unemployed alcoholic.
Zero redeeming qualities.
I should bottle my scent and sell it as pussy repellant.
No idea who would want to buy such a product, but I could corner the market.
2019-04-08 at 12:11 AM UTC
You should break your ankle too. Get on my level.
2019-04-08 at 12:20 AM UTC
Sudo
Black Hole
[my hereto riemannian peach]
I couldn't post on here while drinking in a bar. I'm too ADHD, even in a depressing neon sign bar, I'll talk to random people and subtley make fun of them. Being alone in a bar is depressing, maybe I might post here just to give voice to the entropy.
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2019-04-08 at 12:46 AM UTC
AngryOnion
Big Wig
[the nightly self-effacing broadsheet]
Originally posted by gadzooks
Also get fat too.
Even when I'm broke, if I'm in peak physical physique I can at least get laid with ease.
But right now, I'm broke, fat, and an unemployed alcoholic.
Zero redeeming qualities.
I should bottle my scent and sell it as pussy repellant.
No idea who would want to buy such a product, but I could corner the market.
Come on man buck up and make it better,quit drinking for a few days go take a long walk in the woods get better sleep and figure it out .
I read just about every post you make you sound like a nice guy that just needs a little time to figure some shit out.
Stop letting homeless people into your house don't even talk to them they are FUCKING TOXIC!!
Move if you have to.
And stay out of bars they suck the life out of ya.
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2019-04-08 at 12:53 AM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
Originally posted by AngryOnion
Come on man buck up and make it better,quit drinking for a few days go take a long walk in the woods get better sleep and figure it out .
I read just about every post you make you sound like a nice guy that just needs a little time to figure some shit out.
Stop letting homeless people into your house don't even talk to them they are FUCKING TOXIC!!
Move if you have to.
And stay out of bars they suck the life out of ya.
Much appreciated.
I know that I fuck up at times and take responsibility for those fuck ups. Right now it just feels like I'm hitting the slump of all slumps.
But I do know that what goes down must come back up (or something like that).
I just feel powerless right now. But I know it's a matter of will. I have officially declared today to be my last day drinking day, and, maybe even, my last day of drinking altogether (for an extended period... Until my shit is sorted out at least).
Tomorrow morning is day 1 of my hurdle back up the mountain.
It will happen. There is no negotiating in that fact anymore.
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kroz
weak whyte, frothy cuck, and former twink
so it gadzooks also enter? you know the whole being a loser seinfield stchick and not getting laid... ect?
2019-04-08 at 1:12 AM UTC
Great thread. thumbzup subscribe
2019-04-08 at 1:27 AM UTC
Your first post speaks to me on a spiritual level and I'm not sure how to feel about that
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2019-04-08 at 1:29 AM UTC
mashlehash
victim of incest
[my perspicuously dependant flavourlessness]
GADZOOKS
I AM NOT GOING TO READ THIS THREAD
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2019-04-08 at 3:22 AM UTC
I fucking hate exercise, which is why I put it off indefinitely unless I have a SPECIFICALLY PERFECT TIME to go do it. Like rehab, or when I didn't have a job.
You need to have important people in your life in order to be motivated to TRY, and without that a human being simply won't 99% of the time. Maslows's hierarchy is scarily accurate. If you're only on that second or third level, you're only running at about 20-45% at best.
Quit eating bread, sugar, and most of your carbs in general. Do that for two weeks and they won't be any more than slightly appetizing.
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2019-04-08 at 4:46 AM UTC
Such is life zookie. We dress expensive yet feel cheap as we climb the ladder of depression.
2019-04-08 at 4:49 AM UTC
DIY? More like GAY amirite bois?
