Do you think Jesues ever wacked off?

1. 2015-11-23 at 12:16 AM UTC

   #1
   

   AngryOnion Big Wig [the nightly self-effacing broadsheet]
   If so who did he think about while beating his meat?
2. 2015-11-23 at 12:38 AM UTC

   #2
   RestStop Space Nigga
   Nah he had whores on tap, Brah.
3. 2015-11-23 at 12:50 AM UTC

   #3
   

   aldra JIDF Controlled Opposition
   with his nailhole
   
   
   like doing one-handed pushups on his dick
   The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!

   • RisiR †
4. 2015-11-23 at 1:27 AM UTC

   #4
   Sharpie Houston

   If so who did he think about while beating his meat?

   Wasn't he a jedi? ....or was he a muslim???
   
   I have no fuckin idea... religion is dumb.
5. 2015-11-23 at 1:31 AM UTC

   #5
   Sharpie Houston

   with his nailhole
   
   
   like doing one-handed pushups on his dick

   Then he licked it off his hand and spit it into Mary's cooch, thus keeping her a virgin.
   
   [/MYSTERY SOLVED]
6. 2015-11-23 at 2:22 AM UTC

   #6
   

   Lanny Bird of Courage

   Then he licked it off his hand and spit it into Mary's cooch, thus keeping her a virgin.
   
   [/MYSTERY SOLVED]

   
   
   bonus points for time travel I guess
7. 2015-11-23 at 2:28 AM UTC

   #7
   

   aldra JIDF Controlled Opposition

   bonus points for time travel I guess

   
   
8. 2015-11-23 at 2:52 AM UTC

   #8
   Sharpie Houston

   bonus points for time travel I guess

   
   FUCKING LOL!!!! .....Oops! :D
9. 2015-11-24 at 5:27 PM UTC

   #9
   

   Number13 African Astronaut [dispute my snotty-nosed seagull]
   Probably yeah, Jesus would beat off to Mary being the town bicycle, his father must be some pussy whipped piece of shit though to believe that his wife gave birth as a virgin, she must've seen all types of disgusting middle east pipe.
10. 2018-09-24 at 10:44 PM UTC

    #10
    

    cupocheer Space Nigga [unwillingly condescend the dp]
    Jesus? No.
    
    Jesus? Most probably
    
    Jesues? Only in a plastic vial.
11. 2018-09-24 at 10:53 PM UTC

    #11
    

    Number13 African Astronaut [dispute my snotty-nosed seagull]
    My dude did you search for jesus beating off?
12. 2018-09-24 at 11:05 PM UTC

    #12
    

    Soyboy 2.0 - The GMO Reckoning African Astronaut
    He couldn't wack off his hands were nailed to the cross idiot he died for my sins.
13. 2018-09-24 at 11:17 PM UTC

    #13
    

    mmQ Lisa Turtle
    Well lust is a sin so no he didn't unless he was able to think of absolutely nothing while stimulating himself, which isn't possible, so no.
14. 2018-09-25 at 9 AM UTC

    #14
    

    Sophie Pedophile Tech Support

    Originally posted by mmQ Well lust is a sin so no he didn't unless he was able to think of absolutely nothing while stimulating himself, which isn't possible, so no.

    
    I don't think it says anywhere in the bible that lust is a sin, but even if it did. The whole point of Jesus was being full of sin, our sin, so that he could die on the cross to save us. I don't think adding a little sin of his own would have made a difference. But then again, if you are the literal embodiment of God, our lord, in the flesh. You're defacto holy anyway, and i don't know if you can actually sin if you are literally divine.
15. 2018-09-25 at 9:14 AM UTC

    #15
    

    NARCassist gollums fat coach
    I always struggled with that notion of how he died for our sins. How does that work exactly?
    
    
    
    .
16. 2018-09-25 at 11:41 AM UTC

    #16
    

    Sophie Pedophile Tech Support

    Originally posted by NARCassist I always struggled with that notion of how he died for our sins. How does that work exactly?
    
    
    
    .

    
    By contract. Or so it would seem. Because The jedis from the old testament they had a deal with God and it went a little something like this: AND GOD SAYETH UNTO THE KIKE; It would be really swell if you guys worshiped me and only me, oh and here are some rules, don't worry about the part where it says cut the skin off your penis, idk how that ended up there. Anyway, do all these things and you will be my chosen people forever."
    
    And that was the deal. Or "The Covenant" as it is known in old timey English. Now Christians believe that God made a second deal with people, a second covenant, if you will. And it went a little something like this: AND GOD SAYETH UNTO THE CHRISTIAN; You people never learn, by the way things are looking from my pearly white tower literally called Heaven, I'm PRETTY sure, you're ALL going to hell. But because i love you so much here's my Son who is also me, so that i may live and die among you. And if you but believe and follow my teachings, then you are forgiven your sins and you may yet see Heaven.
    
    And this is Christianity's core. If you accept Jesus into your heart, and are not a dick(Don't forget the 10 commandments never went out of effect) then you'll be cool with God.
    
    Now obviously, this ought to work through the divinity of God. Don't worry about it.
17. 2018-09-25 at 6:31 PM UTC

    #17
    

    mmQ Lisa Turtle

    Originally posted by Sophie I don't think it says anywhere in the bible that lust is a sin, but even if it did. The whole point of Jesus was being full of sin, our sin, so that he could die on the cross to save us. I don't think adding a little sin of his own would have made a difference. But then again, if you are the literal embodiment of God, our lord, in the flesh. You're defacto holy anyway, and i don't know if you can actually sin if you are literally divine.

    
    Matthew 5:28 English Standard Version (ESV)
    28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
    
    The whole point of Jesus wasn't to be FULL of sin, haha. It was to be pure and sinless in order to bear the burden of all our sins. He had to be sinless to do that, that's the concept behind it, not "Jesus was already holy and perfect so it was OK for him to do some, 'little sins' here and there."
    
    Of course we're just discussing fiction here anyway.
18. 2018-09-25 at 6:35 PM UTC

    #18
    

    RisiR † 29 Autism
    Bumping old threads is SO controversal!
19. 2018-09-25 at 6:40 PM UTC

    #19
    

    mmQ Lisa Turtle
    For the record, I didn't bump it. Didn't even know it was old til you mentioned it.
20. 2018-09-25 at 6:47 PM UTC

    #20
    

    Sophie Pedophile Tech Support

    Originally posted by mmQ Matthew 5:28 English Standard Version (ESV)
    28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
    
    The whole point of Jesus wasn't to be FULL of sin, haha. It was to be pure and sinless in order to bear the burden of all our sins. He had to be sinless to do that, that's the concept behind it, not "Jesus was already holy and perfect so it was OK for him to do some, 'little sins' here and there."
    
    Of course we're just discussing fiction here anyway.

    
    This fiction is serious business though, i'm a fan of the series. The third installment kind of sucked though. Also;
    
    Clearly Matthew was off his rocker, the holy spirit is some potent shit, because he is equating sins in thought to sins in action. Bonus points for the passage though. Adultery is a sin 100%, but looking at a woman is not adultery. Perhaps Matthew is projecting a bit here.
    
    Furthermore;
    In your understanding of the meaning of sin only if one is sinless can one carry the burden of sin? That doesn't make sense, or is it a special rule because it's Jesus? Also, Jesus is clearly cheating because he is literally God according to how the holy trinity works.