I don't give a shit about the novel you wrote before insulting me. I also don't care about the flowers thing. I actually do that from time to time just for fun.
I quoted what insulted me. Where is your apology?
"A big gorilla with a red beard that scares women." I guarantee you that if you we ever met I would be the first person to show absolutely no fear in their eyes when I stared into your's, not out of contempt, but because I see through people and I know that inside you have so little will that even if I did the worst thing that would anger you you would have no real strength that would give me the least bit of worry."
RisiR, I called you a big gorilla (looking motherfucker) with a beard that scares (some) women because this is exactly how you described yourself. The second is true because you
are emotionally weak right now. You're easily hurt, wanted sympathy, and in that moment were treated like this by someone you identified with.
I was trying to find the worst insults in German and you people are insulted by the silliest things. Of course ultimately they're all just noises.
But, I woke up, and before I force myself out to take my medication and be able to function, I think of death, I'm severely depressed, and I did think of you.
I've thought that all I've ever done is hurt people, those who just wanted to get close to me, that if this is what I am in a natural state, maybe some genes to play the role in tribe that goes berserk in warfare and kills countless, that I inherited certain qualities from my father. That if I'm destined to be a monster I should just kill myself and I don't want to hurt people anymore.
There are serenics:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenicand therapy. I'm terribly damaged. I don't know what I want or what I'm doing.
I'm not really that rude.
I recall you being pretty brutal at times, but, as I'll say below, everyone thinks they're justified. "They deserved it." Maybe they did, maybe they didn't.
threatening to kidnap me and lock me up in a gay sex dungeon
Hahaha, what? Did I really say that? I mean, it's definitely the kind of thing I might say, but I did a search for dungeon here and via google and found nothing. I want to know the context. There's no way I'm serious.
I also do genuinely believe you may have many high functioning autistic/Asperger's traits, even if mild, and don't consider that an insult. I'd genuinely be curious to see what you would score on an autism quotient test under optimal circumstances, being observed by a quality professional who specializes in the condition. It's not that big a deal, it's an arbitrary threshold anyway. Who knows, maybe subconsciously I just want someone similar to me in some, some less common, ways.
between enumerating logical fallacies he thinks I embody
You must be extremely egotistical in a manner, and the last time I clearly stated I was just joking because you've repeatedly been too autistic to realize this in the past without me explicitly stating so.
Not only that, but you've denigrated people to a fairly brutal extent
countless times, behaved extremely elitist and condescending, and IIRC you stated Rust was your favorite poster on Totse/Zoklet, who did the same thing.
Of course the difference here is that you see yourself as justified, just as everyone does. Maybe you need a taste of your own medicine and to be knocked down a few pegs.
I suppose it's quite a positive sign that you place such value on your own aptitude for logic and reasoning and adherence to it that you'd be so insulted by this, but you should give up now because you're always going to be a second-hand faux-intellectual compared to those in academia, and you're already too late for the latter. You made your choice, and I've pointed out your hypocrisy of choosing to work in the financial sector and having had plans centered on high frequency trading of all things (Any hypocrisy of mine changes nothing about yours and I'm not even quite sure what I believe in anymore; there are so many concepts and interconnections I've lost track, along with passion/interest and ability to utilize my cognition in this state.). If it really mattered to you so much you would have gone down that route, which you've stated is your ideal:
Since ever? My whole schtick is that I too fully embody the middle class ideal of delayed gratification that I'll perpetually be waiting/working for something better until I die. I was made for waiting.
I honestly don't understand how living that life is worth it.
It's really not! I get by on empty hedonism, and a complex of self loathing and superiority with a hope that the better angels of my nature will win out and I'll manage to choose a life as a middling academic being underpaid and overworked and largely ignored but doing something that I find a meaningful as opposed to making excessively more money than I deserve while garnering the approval of my parents and peers.
Now those people, people where you'd truly find your peers (How's the financial sector for satisfying that, eh, boyo? Or even the vast majority of programmers, particularly considering what the vast majority of businesses, including the largest that draw the top talent, are devoted to. You're satisfied by coding for a number of reasons, but they're all egotistical and crude, and ultimately insufficient. You excel at it, at least relative to the general population, which isn't saying much at all (a bar so low only it may as well have been designed for Barbados Slim), I'd love to see how you'd rank among those in your region, excluding the code monkeys; although you would probably go to such extents to avoid looking at it, your mind instinctively engaging your ability to suppress memories from being formed as a self-preservation instinct, that we'd need this to utilize this:
You'd probably be in tears if you ever visited Google's main campus and tried to join in on an actual deep discussion, and I mean if you were a decade or few older in your prime.)
In neuroscience, pharmacology, even social psychology, I've discovered and located information, made enough novel connections and theories to produce more academic papers than you could ever hope to achieve in comp sci. Of course I'm too dysfunctional/damaged, generally don't give a shit about helping others, and probably don't have much of a life expectancy, so you're competing with a cripple.
There's the natural human quality, clearly demonstrated, that many behaviors and emotions, happiness and satisfaction, are based
relative to others. You're influenced by the same ugly desires everyone else was, status, money, approval, feeling you're contributing. It's practically a game, like a feeling of satisfaction from a video that ultimately produces nothing outside of yourself, only hedonism, a constant dopamine drip. Solve the problem, beat it, overcome it, triumph, produce, create, improve. You say you're happy being a cog, but what machine are you a part of? If it was something truly worthwhile, maybe you would be genuinely happy.
You have enormous capital at your disposal (long-term, peak earnings), which has enormous potential/power, and could be put to great use, but I doubt it. It will largely be consumed by you, you're alienated from the effects of any contribution to charities, and at the end will have nothing left. How will the industry change in the future and will this really be able to keep you happy an satisfied for decades, particularly considering your young age?
