Culver's Restaurant is fast food with higher prices and better quality... OR SO THEY MUFUCKIN SAY.
So it's near my doctor's office where I got my appointment at 330, by near I mean like right mufuckin across the street. So close even a fat butterburger eatin arthritic piece of shit can reach it.
My ex fiance dropped me off and her not talking to me the whole car ride would normally upset me, but I got the program in me, a little bit of money and a computer to play Runescape while I have my coffee and meal. I have not been to Culver's in several years because it's basically fast food at high prices. Let's see how they introduce themselves.
[FONT=Roboto]Culver’s has earned its reputation for deliciousness by cooking every ButterBurger to order and crafting every batch of Fresh Frozen Custard throughout the day, same as we always have.[/FONT]
[FONT=Roboto]Not convinced.[/FONT]So I mainly came here because of the fact they told me on the phone they had wifi. You know I want to play Runescape and such. But let's focus on my experience.My ex came and picked me up and took me here. I walk in with expectations of paying high prices, thank goodness I have 13$ in my wallet. That will cover me for sure for a simple burger and coffee. First thing I noticed, kinda empty. Okay that's cool, I don't like being near people anyway. I look at the drinks just to see if they have the coffee out there next to the fountain soda machine. Where is it? Oh my Odin, there's no coffee out here. Then I think oh shit that's probably because they keep it fresh behind the counter. Now to focus on what I want.Is that really an 8 followed by a 99? For a simple burger and some fries and a drink? What the fuck? No way is that possible!Shit that's the fucking cheapest thing on here, I can't afford this shit. I'm not some rich butterburger loving jedi. What the fuck is my poor Odinic ass going to do? I can't go across the street to the gas station and start drinking, the program taught me that. Fuck, oh shit there's a value meal. That's more my style anyway.
4.95 for a small fry and a butter burger single deluxe with a small drink? That's alright, I guess. I can afford to splurge a little bit, I am sober after all.
A man comes to the cash register and is all smiles, I think he might be a down syndrome homosexual. Then I see his badge reads General Manager. Wow. This is weird, he's smiling while my bum ass tells him I'll have the Single Butter Burger Deluxe. He looks at me like wondering if I'm serious and then smiles and hands me a small soda cup. No sir, I'd like coffee please. He says Oh and looks surprised like he's never had anyone ever ask this question in his time working as a Culver's Manager apprentice.Then I get this bad feeling in my stomach so I ask him, "You get free refills on the coffee, right?" Obviously you do but, I want him to stop looking so motherfucking stupid at my request but he smiles with that douchey-mom-drank-when-she-was-pregnant-look and says "No we only have free refills on soda."
What the fuck? You know how much it costs to make a god damn pot of motherfucking coffee? But I can't start swearing and get mad, my resentments make me drink and if I get kicked out, I'll have to suck a dick at the gas station to get the attendant to let me use their wifi. So I just ask him if he's serious. He apologizes again and grins at me. Okay give me the shit ass soda, and it's a small. Too-fucking-perfect, I didn't take any ibuprophen today cuz I want my doctor to see me in my full rheumatoid arthritic glory so now I get to stand up and sit down every ten minutes while I play Runescape to get more fucking soda.
I hate soda, it's just empty sugary calories and isn't even like a shitty speed like coffee. You know who likes soda? Diabetics and children, that's fucking who. But oh well, I'll deal with it. So I go fill it up with the Root Beer that culver's has their own brand of, the shit comes out super fizzy. I'm fucking pissed now I got foam all over my hand, so I wait for the bubbles going away and this little girl is drinking sweet tea. Like she's some southern nigger loving whore. Whatever little bitch you can go in front of me, I'm waiting for the foam to go down.
So I fill the cup up the rest of the way, here I am ready to play some motherfucking Runescape, work on my goddamn levels and maybe listen to that Arm and Hammer song at a low volume. I sit down at my table in the far corner. Where the fuck is the outlets for my charger? So I go and asked Sir Down Syndrome and he tells me that their in the ceiling next to the air vent, I shit you not he says "You can plug your computer in up there" Ya great buddy that'll really help my arthritis. I was tempted to tell his 10.25$/hr ass to get up there and plug my shit in for me like the little bitch I'd make him if I hadn't just masturbated a half hour ago before I left my house.
So I still don't have it plugged in, just wanted to play my Runescape, so I pull it up and it has to check for updates when you load the program. I take a sip of the soda, it's fucking flat. God damn it, this flat ass fucking soda, so I go up there and my next option is Diet Root Beer, so repeat the process except that little nigger loving southern girl is ballsdeep in her artery clogged burger, I hope she chokes just so I can pretend to give her the Heimlich and stop anyone from actually helping her while I wait for her chest to stop heaving. Too my fizzy disappointment this does not occur.
Runescape error message, THE INTERNET YOU ARE USING HAS BLOCKED SUCH AND SUCH FROM UPDATING AND PORT xxxxxxx
The fuck? So I try to load the other two browsers I can use to play. Same message. I try to go on Tinychat, it won't load.
Then my food comes up, I swear to god they must have given me like 14 fries total. Not big ones either, they fit in this little paper fry bag that's smaller than my sack (when it's warm out). I like fries and some of are small so I'mma get my fingers all sticky with ketchup when I try to use the fry as a spoon to inhale the ketchup I am now forced to eat excessively to get rid of my hunger. Okay I can do that though.
So I go and get my two little cups of ketchup and see they have horseradish sauce. THAT IS THE SOLE GOOD THING ABOUT THIS EXPERIENCE, THE FUCKING ONE PACKET OF HORSERADISH SAUCE.
Coming back to my table I see the manager is kinda eye fucking my computer, so I say to him "What's up? You wanna watch some videos or something?"
I mean a blow job is a blow job and it has been like a half hour. He tells me that he was looking for this little card that you set on the table that matches your receipt customer number, well I had it in my fucking pocket. So I give it to him, I was number 64. I don't really like being number 64, but I'll keep that to myself.
Eating the burger, I found it dried out, paperthin and on the sides blackened as though it were cooked for about 15-25% too long. Buttery? Get the fuck out of here, this burger was dry as fuck. If I could have dipped it in the fucking rootbeer without being outted as a weirdo I would've. Way too much mayo on it and the lettuce was all on one side. Clearly one of these high school drop outs was putting in the effort that makes me so compelled to argue for them to deserve 15$ an hour. If I could pay him below minimum wage, I would. Run and tell that, homeboy.
The horseysauce made the burger alot better, because I couldn't taste anything over the horseradish. The fries were too few and too small and my fingers got very ketchupy. Now there's a fat 50 year old woman with this mini vacuum vacuuming literally three feet away from me. Hey stupid bitch, I aint trying to hear that shit, how about your dumbass wipes down that fucking chair next to you that's covered in baby droll and crumbs instead of vacuuming up a floor that looks perfectly clean. I wish she would've seen that, but she left now and I said nothing. I wish I could tell everyone how I really motherfucking feel. But it's 204pm and I got an hour and a half to go.
What really pisses me off is I dind't take a picture of the shit ass meal because I thought I'd be playing Runescape. But I'll tell you one thing, it didn't look a god damn thing like this advertisement. There's more fries outside the bag in this ad than in the fry bag for the meal I got.
For fucks sake this is how big the bag of fries was that I had to rip into to get the little ones out.
Overall I give the experience 2/10 on my restaurant rater and wish I would've just sucked off the gas station clerk across the street for his wifi pass and a cup of coffee.
