people often ask me WHAT WAS HE LIKE about that strange dude I sat next to in study hall. I first met cousin Connor sometime in 1973 in Reeseman junior high. located In rural ken tucky. This was before it merged with the highschool so the place was packed with kids from towns all over. When the bells rang the slower, smaller kids often got trampled and lost In the herd. This was a great time to make friends by the bushel and I met some of my best pals around these years, Connor was one of those kids that turned into social invalids as soon as the first wave of puberty hit, he was bullied but never fought back and then suddenly HE CHANGED. "yeah but he's normal compared to that freak MEXICAN CARL" …. *the group looks behind them and sees. Mexican Carl staring* "Hola mi amigoz" "What the fuck" *shudder* ANYWAYS yaya this guy is crazy we should pay him to do this shtick at a movie or something AND FROM THAT MOMENT ON THE CONNOR FAN CLUB WAS BORN it was a Saturday when we went to pick up connor, we decided to bomb the showing for the New York alien thriller CLOVERFIELD a few of the guys from school paid $5 a pop to watch connor do his thing. It was a 10 minute drive to the theatre and as soon as we pulled out of the driveway CONNOR started chugging beer Downing one can after another. Before we even made the first set of lights he polished off an entire 6 pack. We each had our moments where we realized connor was not just weird but truly dark and this was mine. Back in those days it just wasn't "hip" to narc on someone, this was decades before JUST SAY NO lots of kids smoked Pot and partied but this wasn't fun hearty substance abuse.. This was someone getting NUMB. so we go to the theatre and right before the Alien goes on screen Connor, drunk stands up and says "DURRRRRRRRP THE LIGHTS!!! THE LIGHT'S!! IM HAVING A SEEEEEEIZUREEE!" and starts flopping across seats smacking popcorn and drinks around . someone stopped the movie and called the amba lamps but Connor slipped out the fire escape undetected. He believed he couldn't be caught and he never was, a skill he maintained for many years after this. JUN 16TH 1975 it was summer break and connor was cruising around town with MEXICAN CARL his only friend. All the members of the Connor fan club were long gone and only the psycho wretches and social invalids would associate with him. MEXICAN CARL and Connor only had cannabis smoking in common and they frequently drove around in MEXICAN CARLS low rider, even MEXICAN CARL was too fucked up for Connor though because his favorite thing to do after smoking a J was running down neighborhood pets and dogs In his low rider in front of the owners and then honking THE MEXICAN HAT and doing hydroulics and NITROUS before ripping out of there like a top fuel dragster and firing a .357 into the sky like hunter Thompson "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU MEXICAN CARL PULL OVER NOW" "JAJAJAJA QUE? GRINGO! Si mi favela" *bang bang bang* SO there he was kicked out of the car by an illegal immigrant and stuck thumbin it home.. An old friend of the connor fan club drives by "Geez what an idiot walking in the middle of the road like that… HEY ITS CONNOR!." *SCREEECH* (brakes) "Zup" "Oh hey Sean I just got wet backed by Mexican. Carl can you give me ride home?" "Da!" "Thanks Sean so what you been up to?" "mmmm….. clubbin'" Okay here we are at FORT CONNOR heh why don't you come inside SEAN I'd LOVE TO Have YOU FOR DINNER "mmmm…no" "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME YOU LITTLE PUNK?" connor didn't realize that MEXICANS CARLS handgun had slipped
Under the seat, oh fuck. He puts the business end to Seans forehead and gives him two love taps with a hot .357 round through the brain "YOU SON OF A BITCH MY MOTHER JUST HAD THE CAR CLEANED SHES GONNA KILL ME" connor unloads 4 more rounds spread around the torso as Sean open the door and gets out of the car "DAMNIT" out of bullets connor throws the revolver at Sean trying to stun him in the head, Sean rolls 20 20 , catches the gun mid air with his left hand and with the other unzips the front pocket of his trademark smock and pulls out a speedloader for a .357 "Mother of God" connor does a backwards barrel roll as Sean fires wildly in his direction, Connor performs a few backflips and a vertical wall run up a tree to dodge every round, near the top he picks a ripe pear off the tree and fires it at the open Wound in Sean's head, he stuns him and knocks the gun out of his hand before he reloads and the speedloader falls to the ground, Connor still up the tree holding on to a branch with one arm does a quick SPIN jump and lands on the roof of the car, Sean reaches for the GUn but connor does a roundhouse kick in the cheek knocking him on his ass. Connor does a flying pile driver and elbow crushes Sean into the dirt, breaking his glasses and does some ground and pound before Sean recovers and tackles Connor into the car, through a window. He steps back and throws down his glasses and spits some blood "those were prescription sunglasses… I'll never forgive you for this" out of his front pocket Sean pulls out a pen, Clicks it and it extends out *WACHACK* he pulls it apart to reveal DRAGON SCALE wire HOLY FUCK Nunchucku fiber wires NOICE Sean starts swinging them around and doing tricks like a kung fu master "EEEEE YA!! HIIIII YA!!" Connor notices the pistol and quickly tosses the magazine inside and starts firing at the whirlwind nunchuku master "Oh shit!" Sean starts deflecting *PING FWOOO!* one of the rounds flies back towards connor and smashes the windshield
He fires again "KE! YA!" *pwang* the round is deflected and hits connor in the leg. Frustrated, connor unloads the entire 12 round clip *BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG* *ping! FWOOM! CLONG! EEEEow wiz!* "UD!" every single bullet is reflected back towards connor essentially shooting himself in the chest 12 times, out of bullets Sean still swinging the Nunchuku menacingly "Waaaa Hoooooooo!" *swing swing swing* Connor puts the pistol to his face and pulls the trigger but it just clicks "What's the hurry my friend?" Sean pulls a loaded mag from his pocket and reaches it out to Connor who is slumped against the car looking like swiss cheese, he tries to grab it but Sean quickly pulls back and starts smacking his shit with the nunchuku "WAAAAA!!" *WHAP whap WHAP whap* Sean reloads the gun for him, chambers a round and reaches out the gun, connor goes for it "YAAA!!!" *Whap Whap Whap smack Whap slap smack* Sean fires all but 1 round into the air and reaches out the gun "EEEEYA!" *smack smack smack Whap Whap Whap*. With the last shot sean puts the barrel to Connors face hoping to break his glasses with the force…. *wwwIZZZ ZIP ZIP WHIZ PANG PONG ZIP WHIZ* Sean drops the gun , his eyes roll to the back of his head and he slowly falls backwards, dead clenching his fist. "I guess he didn't realize that he was supposed to deflect the falling bullets from the sky towards me…" *PFFFT* "What a casual" Connor slumps over in pain , a dozen bullets in his belly "Only one thing to do now… A gory montage" *DODO DOooooo Dododododo push it to the limit KRSHH KRSHH walk along the razors edge don't look back just keep your head* Connor cuts himself out of his clothes and pours beer all over the wounds "gotta get the bullets out" out of Sean's pocket a large red / white magnet which connor runs across the wounds to pick up any bullet fragments "now to close the wound" out of Sean's pocket a tube of crazy glue, connor smears it all over the open bullet holes. Good as new
"Now to get rid of this body" Connor drags sean to the bathtub and runs scalding hot water, he pours in drain cleaner and chicken feather remover to dissolve all the hair, Sean is then lifted with a hoist and suspended over the tub where a few quick punctures drains his blood. He is then dragged to the garage where the real work begins, fortunately Connor is a hobby butcher and even has charts hung up showing all the different cuts of meat on a human next to books titled "THE JOY OF COOKING SEAN" The head and lesser limbs are removed. Thigh, breast, ribs, rump, liver, heart and a few good steaks are cut, the feet and fingers are ground, intestines used as sausage casing and the bones saved for soup. The blood was turned into BBQ sauce and marinade. JULY 4TH 1975… MEXICAN CARLS BIRTHDAY PARTY "Well I think this chili tastes like ass" "Fuck you Tyrell I was up all night SLAVING OVER A HOT SEAN I MEAN STOVE" "where is he anyways? Sean never misses a birthday party that includes free BBQ ribs and tequila"… "Oh I'm sure he's close.. Not far at all HAHAHA" "AMIGOS YOU MADE IT BUENOS NACHOS!" "MEXICAN CARL!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY" " HEEEY YOU GRINGOS WANT SOME COCAINE?, where's sean?" Tyrell bangs a quick rail up a nostril *SNORT* "ya Sean should be here getting this chili and cocaine inside him"… "OH don't you worry.. Just like there's a little cocaine in us I'm also sure we each have a little bit of sean in us HAHAHAHA" and everyone ate the ribs and hot dogs and burgers ONE WEEK LATER *knock knock knock* POLICE ON THE GROUND NOW FUCKER!. "Sir I'm just making HAM BONE soup what's the trouble?" "WHAT IS MR SEANS CAR DOING HERE? YOUR COMING WITH ME" "I had him for dinner" "WELL WHERE IS HE NOW?" Connor grabs a ladle and gives the soup a stir, spoons some out and takes a big *sluuuurp* "Not sure". "THE CAR HAS A DOZEN GUNSHOTS.. IM GONNA NEED A STATEMENT FROM YOU.. THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE.. POUR ME A BOWL OF THAT HAM BONE SOUP.. "Sure thing officer" *slurp slurp*
