Love is an awful and terrible thing to feel. I wish I didn't love my son, §m£ÂgØL, or give two fucks about the old people I live with. I could be so much happier without all the shit in my life that is caused or driven by emotions. They have done nothing but create havoc and cause pain.
I wish I was everything §m£ÂgØL accused me of being, because if I was, my life would be miles better in quality. I wish I didn't care and love my son as much as I do, because frankly, raising a child alone is a pain in the ass. I know that little shit will one day use my emotional vulnerability to hurt or manipulate me, just as anyone I've ever loved has, including that faggot.
I wish I didn't feel, especially to the level I feel things on- I'd give my life for 2 living souls on this earth, and that's my son and §m£ÂgØL. It makes life so fucking hard. Love literally turns people into retards and I'll be the first to admit that.
The pain never stops, you just find a way to file it so you can function some of the time, like my dad dying. I love my dad so much and miss him dearly everyday. There is not a day that goes by I don't think of my father- sometimes in really fucked up situations I hear his voice respond like he would, sometimes its legit advice, or creepy in the manner, like how its not something I really think up, but certainly something he would say in response. I love my horse who died also and I always think about him. The one really super intense mushroom trip I had a long while ago, I swear, our spirits crossed again, somewhere on the moon.
I still think about §m£ÂgØL the same way too and always worry about him- he says one day I'll forget about him, but I don't even forget about people I just care about even after decades of not seeing or hearing from them. I'll love and miss that man for the rest of my life.
He said everything possible to get me to hate him, and I wish I could, it'd be easier for me if I did, but I can't. I may be angry or hurt, but I can't hate those people that have managed to secure my heart. I really should hate §m£ÂgØL for the shit that went on and shit said, but I can't.
I wish I were more like him and I envy how love is so easily turned on and off like a switch, or how he could justify things not being real because of how short of time we knew each other (my love started as a love of friendship and grew despite me trying to suppress those feelings when they ventured deeper), my pregnancy (during which I tried many time to push him away in my attempts to suppress how much I had and was coming to love him), or 'needing someone' (if I needed someone or chose to manipulate someone I could have done that with many other people who didn't live a thousand miles away, not to mention that the whole issue with communicating was terribly hard due to his paranoia even at the best of times- I sent a registered letter he had to sign for a little while back and Im half expecting retaliation and certainly some hatred for it because he is so scared of his parents knowing anything, even a stupid letter- omg! The post office is on his ass because one time I sent him something to help and god knows this letter that contains nothing illegal might throw up a flag!! Some of it was incredibly retarded).
I am in the habit of praying. I dont pray normally, I guess... I don't feel its like talking to God or some diety that controls everything... Its more like when I pray, I am sending good will and good vibrations.. Hoping somehow thought has minor power to influence things to be positive for the people I recall and include in my prayer. I always pray for those I love. I pray for those I care about. I pray for people I see in shitty situations. I pray for people whove been nice to me. Hell, there are people on here, or back from zoklet I pray for. I care too much and always try to help and I guess praying is some way I can do something when I really can't do anything to help someone. I really wish I were a manipulative, selfish person, out for myself with no feelings of love or care to hold me back. How the fuck do I become that?
