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Awful, terrible, shitty poetry
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2016-08-23 at 5:23 AM UTCShould this go in DIY since I created this pile of horse shit all by my self?
Title: Bitch, Please
Dreams both heavy, deep, and long,
Upon my rise shall soon be gone.
Rolling bliss, and patient steel,
Soon will be too much to deal.
Love both loyal, true, and bright,
Shall ring the heart with pure delight. Though angry passion ripe with scorn, Shall leave this lover lonely, forelorn.
For if a way the time could turn,
A way back to, for just to learn-
To fix the wrong of all that's pasted
I know that all the love had last.
For who I am, or what I be,
I truly wish that you could see-
A bleeding child, a broken heart,
A life that never did get to start.
The days will twist down a path,
Forever sorry you felt my wrath.
The love did live and still lies there,
Patient for the day you'll care.
I bid you parting, fare thee well,
Eyes darkened, tears that swell.
I say again, my love was true,
I only wish that you knew.
Now time to criticize and mock shitty mental breakdown drivel!!!! -
2016-08-23 at 6:20 AM UTCthink of a better title or don't use one, the one you've got cheapens the whole thing
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2016-08-23 at 6:39 AM UTCMeh, it was more to get into the spirit of how cringy this shit is. I agree with you though.
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2016-08-23 at 7:10 AM UTCtake or leave the following - I'm not a poet, nor do I read a lot of poetry (though oddly enough when you posted this I was reading Oscar Wilde's Ballod of Reading Jail):
I won't really deal with content because I feel it's overemotional without saying a lot, and probably couldn't give you balanced or constructivee feedback
I think in terms of structure though, you seem to have committed to the rhyming scheme and written around that - unless you're extremely confident in having a such large vocabulary that it won't be a problem, it restricts how descriptive you can be and how well you can convey ideas. I might recommend writing your ideas down in a way that flows, and once you're happy with the narrative, break it into stanzas and start working on the rhythm and rhyme (though a poem does not need to rhyme).
Actually I might also recommend you have a look over the poem I mentioned; it uses a similar rhyming scheme and may give you some ideas:
https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/ballad-reading-gaol -
2016-08-23 at 7:37 AM UTC
take or leave the following - I'm not a poet, nor do I read a lot of poetry (though oddly enough when you posted this I was reading Oscar Wilde's Ballod of Reading Jail):
I won't really deal with content because I feel it's overemotional without saying a lot, and probably couldn't give you balanced or constructivee feedback
I think in terms of structure though, you seem to have committed to the rhyming scheme and written around that - unless you're extremely confident in having a such large vocabulary that it won't be a problem, it restricts how descriptive you can be and how well you can convey ideas. I might recommend writing your ideas down in a way that flows, and once you're happy with the narrative, break it into stanzas and start working on the rhythm and rhyme (though a poem does not need to rhyme).
Actually I might also recommend you have a look over the poem I mentioned; it uses a similar rhyming scheme and may give you some ideas:
https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/ballad-reading-gaol
Solid advice. -
2016-08-23 at 8:04 AM UTCoh that wasn't so horrible . I enjoy shit-tier poetry either way:
So sad, thoughts and prayers
I wish for death
My eyes burn with the flicker of a thousand pains
Thank Jesus Christ
If I ever had a soul
Hollow
Mummified by my surroundings
Dust to dust
The flower girl lights herself on fire for all to see
Laughter
A night so dark the moon closes its eyes
Silence
Branches snap, rivers flow, insects buzz
A 4-year old girl cries deeply
The fucking milkman is a day fucking late!
Found him hiding inside my wife
Inter-orbital planospheres enveloping the true Isosceles
Sigma
Last piece of deep-dish pizza
Mine
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2016-08-23 at 8:16 AM UTC
oh that wasn't so horrible . I enjoy shit-tier poetry either way:
So sad, thoughts and prayers
I wish for death
My eyes burn with the flicker of a thousand pains
Thank Jesus Christ
If I ever had a soul
Hollow
Mummified by my surroundings
Dust to dust
The flower girl lights herself on fire for all to see
Laughter
A night so dark the moon closes its eyes
Silence
Branches snap, rivers flow, insects buzz
A 4-year old girl cries deeply
The fucking milkman is a day fucking late!
Found him hiding inside my wife
Inter-orbital planospheres enveloping the true Isosceles
Sigma
Last piece of deep-dish pizza
Mine
Hue! -
2016-08-23 at 12:38 PM UTCI appreciate the input, aldra. I havent written for pleasure in a long time. This just kinda fell off my brain and on to paper very quick without much thought as sometimes does when my thoughts are scattered. I've been known to keep a thetharus handy while writing and for poetry, especially when trying to keep a certain tone and rythum it can be a very helpful tool. I do like poetry that keeps a rythum and time, but I'm not tied to it strictly while writing poetry. This is just the first thing my brain crapped out on paper in years. I must add, when I expect a shit storm of shit posts and insults, you niggers rise to the occasion and surprise me sometimes.
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2016-08-23 at 1:08 PM UTCI just realized, not long ago, I read an excript from ballad of reading jail after I clicked the link. I can't say my words were influenced exclusively by it, as a lot of poetry I enjoy has a rhyming scheme, but it was fairly recent. It certainly was a good recommendation.
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2016-08-23 at 1:17 PM UTChttp://www.bobbysandstrust.com/writings/the-rhythm-of-time This is my favorite poem. I memorized it when I was a teenager and most the time can recite it without a hitch. I have a few poems I can recite off the top of my head. They ryhming scheme certainly aids in memorization too.
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2016-08-23 at 2:35 PM UTCThat Milkman line was dope as fuck. Stream of consciousnes can be pretty good.
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2016-08-24 at 4:51 AM UTChey you fat plumper §m£ÂgØL bitch i got some dopey potery for you http://vocaroo.com/i/s1JMSOmDseVF 1111
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2016-08-24 at 4:59 AM UTC
hey you fat plumper §m£ÂgØL bitch i got some dopey potery for you http://vocaroo.com/i/s1JMSOmDseVF 1111
DIE DIE DIE
