I got sick of living in a state of perpetual darkness caused by pornography, drug abuse, and negative influences from the only people I know. In rehab they had some sayings like "you can die in the dark or live in the light", and I realized my indifferent, rageful attitude towards life and humanity keeps me in a flux of low energy and low spirits that makes it not worth living. I've already been making major improvements by staying sober. I've engaged in the use of herbal supplements and nootropics but I haven't gotten high once in about three months. Each day I'm thinking more clearly than I was before, and though I try to avoid any guilt about the decisions I've made, there's nothing I can trick myself into thinking that'll make memories go away. It's just a form of suppression that hurts more in the long run.
I've been talking to my psychiatrist and bringing up all the dumb shit I've done for a laugh, a high, or a cheap thrill and they were shocked. It's the same look I remember getting by one of the teachers leaving my old middle school. I didn't like that look, it bothered me. It made me wonder if that's really the kind of person I want to be. I've decided that it isn't me, it isn't who I am, I believe fundamentally. under all the layers of self-deception -telling myself I'm evil or a psycho or a reptile or something worse; my own mind in constant battle against intrusive thoughts, disturbing urges, and self depreciation- I am actually a good person with values and a capacity for love, or at the very least have the potential to become one. which is what I've been denying for years.
I think all people are fundamentally good, and we can get possessed by demons that only serve to create chaos and ruin the happiness of oneself and everyone surrounding him or her. The only way to stop these demons completely is by avoiding hedonistic pleasures that reduce inhibitions and degrade ethics. I'm the same child with curiosity of the world I've always been, but at a certain point in my life, a perfect storm of bundy use, social isolation, depression, and bad girlfriends turned me into a shell that lost his ability to relate to other people. I really want to be the person I used to be before the turmoil.
After all this introspection, attempts at healing my brain, repairing the amgydala (associated with emotional regulation and emotional responses, often shrunken or damaged in depression, OCD, PTSD, anxiety, etc. which I'm lucky enough to have been diagnosed with) I thought the final move would be to surround myself with only positive people. This is a goodbye letter to the friends I've known for way too long, and those of you who don't move on are going to end up in "jails,institutions, or dead". There's no such thing as a healthy and happy totsean. There really isn't. When my only mutual interests with other people are drugs and crime, how can I stay happy?
If I can become a productive member of society, so can all of you. I mostly just assumed there was no hope for me to ever be normal, with all the bad shit I've done in the past, but although it sucks to think about, my advice is "the past is the past", what matters is who you are now. If I'm able to transform myself from a useless degenerate who'd be better off dead, to a working man with a good family, then I could possibly become a counselor to help troubled youth go on the right path. Maybe that's god's purpose for me.
My parents are proud of me for how far I came: no longer being the kid addicted to dollar store cough medicine. but I still feel bad meeting up with them. I think I'm a disappointment, I need to make my mom and dad proud, because they're honestly great people. I can't blame my upbringing for stuff that's happened, it all comes down to me being a selfish little shit all of the time and thinking it's an acceptable lifestyle. Maturity is breaking old habits. Bye guys.
I was raised Catholic by my grandmother but my parents were atheists. I'm still iffy on the concept of a higher power: sometimes I agree, sometimes I think it's all mind control. The thing is atheism in modern society gets you nowhere, except a possibly more rational mindset. But we know so little about the nature of existence and the fabric of reality how can we really say? It's just human instinct to assume understanding.
