It's the Year of the Monkey

1. 2016-02-02 at 5:21 PM UTC

   #1
   The Self Taught Man Black Hole
   Finally.
   
   Post your monkey stories in this thread to celebrate the glorious monkey.
2. 2016-02-02 at 10:29 PM UTC

   #2
   Malice Naturally Camouflaged
   http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/6825449/Taekwondo-monkeys-attack-trainer.html
   Taekwondo monkeys attack trainer
   
   
   

   Lo Wung, 42, taught the monkeys so they could entertain crowds outside a shopping centre in Nshi, in eastern China's Hubei province.
   But the money-spinning primates turned the tables on their trainer when he slipped during a show, with one quick-thinking monkey flooring him with a kick to the head.
   
   Hu Luang, 32, a bystander who photographed the incident, said: "I saw one punch him in the eye - he grabbed another by the ear and it responded by grabbing his nose. They were leaping and jumping all over the place. It was better than a Bruce Lee film."
   
   At one point the monkey trainer grabbed a staff to hit the monkeys, only to find himself facing a stick-brandishing monkey that cracked him over the head.
   
   He only managed to get the monkeys under control by tangling them up in the rope that had been used to stop them running off.
   
   Mr Hu said: "He was really furious, he made the monkeys kneel on the ground with their hands tied behind their backs to punish them and make them show remorse for their nasty attack."

   
   Remembered it from years ago. I wish someone had gotten it on film.
3. 2016-02-03 at 1:27 AM UTC

   #3
   

   Sophie Pedophile Tech Support
4. 2016-02-03 at 1:35 AM UTC

   #4
   

   -SpectraL coward [the spuriously bluish-lilac bushman]
   In Africa, this is how they catch monkeys.
   
   1. Take a wooden or steel peg and drive it several feet into solid ground.
   2. Attach a strong rope to the end of the peg.
   3. Attach the other end of the rope to a jug with a 4-inch opening.
   4. Fill the jug with jelly beans.
   5. Wait for the monkey to come.
   
   The monkey will insert its hand into the jug and grab a handful of jelly beans, but when it goes to withdraw its hand, it will be unable to do so, because its hand is now so full it can longer fit it back through the opening. When approached, the monkey will still not let go of the jelly beans in order to escape. The jug must be physically broken in order to extract the monkey.
   
5. 2016-02-03 at 6:05 AM UTC

   #5
   Malice Naturally Camouflaged
   ^ I remember seeing that on a nature show. Monkeys are retarded.
6. 2016-02-03 at 6:32 AM UTC

   #6
   

   Lanny Bird of Courage

   
   
   Is that the prelude to that chick who went on oprah who had her face and hands torn off by some kind of monkey? I remember seeing that when I was a kid, like before the internet had exposed me to enough gore porn to dgaf about anything on a screen, shit was gnarly:
   
   
7. 2016-02-03 at 5:49 PM UTC

   #7
   The Self Taught Man Black Hole
   I'm about to spank a monkey, guys.
8. 2016-02-03 at 5:57 PM UTC

   #8
   

   -SpectraL coward [the spuriously bluish-lilac bushman]
   The second last wish in the story of The Monkey's Paw requests the son killed at war come back to the family again alive. Late at night, around midnight, in heavy rain, there comes an urgent knocking on the family's back door. It's the son.
9. 2016-02-04 at 12:51 AM UTC

   #9
   

   Sophie Pedophile Tech Support

   Is that the prelude to that chick who went on oprah who had her face and hands torn off by some kind of monkey? I remember seeing that when I was a kid, like before the internet had exposed me to enough gore porn to dgaf about anything on a screen, shit was gnarly:
   
   

   
   Yes i do believe that's the 911 call in this case.
10. 2016-02-04 at 12:56 AM UTC

    #10
    The Self Taught Man Black Hole

    I'm about to spank a monkey, guys.

    It was big, angry, foaming from its mouth and smelled like the jungle but after a solid 4 minutes of wrestling with it I got the upper hand and made it bust a nut all over the floor.