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I think about killing myself a lot
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2016-02-16 at 5:22 AM UTC
OP is a pussy faggot who just wants attention and isn't going to do it, please move to /r/suicidewatch
Coming from someone who botched a misdemeanor, got put on house arrest, and couldn't even successfully mod a sub on zoklet without getting his powers revoked, I don't think you're in a position to do any grandstanding here. Please return to reddit with the rest of the regular people so you can talk about food or whatever. -
2016-02-16 at 5:23 AM UTCJust for the record I am thinking about killing myself again. This happens a lot.
Your book is coming any day now, Malice. -
2016-02-16 at 5:28 AM UTC
Coming from someone who botched a misdemeanor, got put on house arrest, and couldn't even successfully mod a sub on zoklet without getting his powers revoked, I don't think you're in a position to do any grandstanding here. Please return to reddit with the rest of the regular people so you can talk about food or whatever.
I cringed twice -
2016-02-16 at 5:29 AM UTC
I cringed twice
Now you know how your mother felt when you cursed the world by falling out of her vagina. -
2016-02-16 at 6:12 AM UTCBasically I've always felt this way.
I was sitting on my couch one morning a little less than a year ago, and someone texted me asking about a mutual friend of ours named Chris. "Has anyone talked to him lately?" I didn't think much of it. Chris had a history of being in and out of mental institutions and, between being a really awkward individual who harbored poor social skills and a relatively young guy struggling with his sexual identity, he was prone to melodramatic displays sometimes. We all met back in college. He basically did all the coursework for two degrees in about two and a half years if I remember correctly, had a paper published before he graduated high school, and could read Latin. So naturally I didn't mind hanging out with him in small dosages. I had already decided at that point that I wanted to surround myself with intelligent people - damn how crazy they might have been as well. He graduated before I did and we kept in contact via telephone for a while.
After graduation he wound up not being able to find a job, was having a hard time getting into graduate school fast enough, and was pretty much socially isolated while living in his parents' house for a few years. I talked to him about once a month, including the month prior for about an hour and he was keeping his chin up. His main concern is that he was just lonely, but I assured him that he could easily make friends if he just went into social situations.
I ignored the text and I continued playing chess against my computer like I do every morning. Eventually I got the message that he killed himself. It was surreal. I went to the funeral, it was Catholic, closed casket, and most of the other students were there. There was a lot of bad blood between the instructors and I before I left school because I had basically told the professors that they were fucking students over by giving them false hope of landing jobs with worthless humanities degrees, but they would just bleat on about how important they were by doing a great service to all of us by exchanging a lifetime of debt for their superior guidance on how to read Plato or whatever. I didn't walk for graduation and turned down letters of recommendation for PhD programs which would have welcomed be with open arms. A lot of the staff there made me out to be a Ted Kaczynski type ("This honor student must have gone crazy to not want to become one of us. He's probably dangerous or psychotic"). Needless to say, none of the staff were there at the funeral, but I didn't bring it up. Now wasn't the time.
It was cold. There was snow on the ground. The main thing I remember was his mother. As many of you know, I've seen some shit and had already been to many soldier funerals, but this was a whole other level. I've never seen people mourn like this. His mother was beyond mortified. I don't think there's a word for it in the English language, but the best equivalent I can think of is in Spanish - Chillar. She wasn't even speaking English and could barely walk behind the casket. I'm moved even thinking about it. She was just incoherently babbling and sobbing - completely inconsolable. The beauty of the Catholic liturgy as a backdrop to the chaotic ocean of people crying was ironic in a really cruel way.
I was living with a family member deep in the American countryside at the time, who basically told me that suicides are hard because you're only left with questions. When a soldier dies in war or someone gets a disease, it makes sense. A suicide challenges basically every axiom that the average person believes.
I think about Chris all the time. Probably every day, or at least several times a week. I don't know if any of my friends do, but I do. It changed me. One of the big things I learned is that I pretty much can't kill myself while my mother is alive. I wouldn't ever intentionally put her through something like that. I would argue that it was a selfish thing for Chris to do if I didn't know he was mentally ill.
I guess the reason that I share this isn't to get sympathy or feedback really. In fact, I know this site all too well, and I'm sure some of you pathetic people will see it as fodder to make jokes about. I won't sit here and act like you're desecrating his memory or something melodramatic like that. He's dead forever and nothing can change that. Basically my point is that I think about death everyday, and when you see a death that doesn't make sense like that one, it challenges you in a way that's practically unprecedented. I still think about killing myself everyday, including tonight, but the conclusion is foregone because I know I can't do it.
Yet, anyway.
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2016-02-16 at 7:28 AM UTC
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2016-02-16 at 7:28 AM UTCMake your suffering mean something and volunteer for the Crisis Hotline in your county. I guarantee you'll find some purpose in the work and that they need all the help they can get.
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2016-02-16 at 6:05 PM UTC
Make your suffering mean something and volunteer for the Crisis Hotline in your county. I guarantee you'll find some purpose in the work and that they need all the help they can get.
I don't really believe in crisis hotlines honestly. I have a family member who calls them, and I honestly feel (like a lot of mental health professionals) that all the doting and positive attention that goes with suicidal gestures sometimes serves to reinforce them to a point where people end up actually going through with it.
If part of your plan to kill yourself involves calling a crisis hotline, then you aren't 100% dedicated to it and probably won't do it.
I like your idea of making my suffering contribute to something. I'll find something. -
2016-02-16 at 11:01 PM UTC
I don't really believe in crisis hotlines honestly. I have a family member who calls them, and I honestly feel (like a lot of mental health professionals) that all the doting and positive attention that goes with suicidal gestures sometimes serves to reinforce them to a point where people end up actually going through with it.
If part of your plan to kill yourself involves calling a crisis hotline, then you aren't 100% dedicated to it and probably won't do it.
Deconstructing 'Myths About Suicide'
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=126365907
You majored in psychology with honors and believe this? Well, this is a standard example of what the education systems puts out, nowadays. The amount of knowledge generally gained from undergraduate education is woefully inadequate. -
2016-02-16 at 11:09 PM UTC
I don't really believe in crisis hotlines honestly. I have a family member who calls them, and I honestly feel (like a lot of mental health professionals) that all the doting and positive attention that goes with suicidal gestures sometimes serves to reinforce them to a point where people end up actually going through with it.
If part of your plan to kill yourself involves calling a crisis hotline, then you aren't 100% dedicated to it and probably won't do it.
I like your idea of making my suffering contribute to something. I'll find something.
One time I went to an online crisis hotline and was put on hold for like 20 mins. In that time I made a thread on 4chans politics board having something to do with suicidality which was full of people talking about how they felt the same way and that as long as you push through it there is a light a the end of the tunnel. There was a lot more in that thread but to cut it short what was discussed was very real and pertitnent to the actual lives of individuals rather than some script designed to talk someone out of suicide or self harm. Now I wasnt seriously going to kill myself in that instance but I was contemplating it more seriously than I ever had. Which is why I was like "Well maybe it would be a good idea to talk to someone about this". My point is that I got more from an anonymous message board full of pretend retards and faggots than I could have gotten from someone from a crisis hotline because I got real people experiencing what I was first hand rather than just positive reinforcement. -
2016-02-16 at 11:13 PM UTCIs this thread worth reading? I tried to avoid it for the last couple of days because I was in a good mood for once.
I feel you though, Oplus. Fuck this. -
2016-02-16 at 11:30 PM UTC
Is this thread worth reading? I tried to avoid it for the last couple of days because I was in a good mood for once.
I feel you though, Oplus. Fuck this.
First 2 pages maybe. -
2016-02-16 at 11:49 PM UTC
I think most healthy adults think about suicide at least once a day, right? If you're old enough that you should've grown out of all these behaviors by now and you haven't, it's probably not normal. I know the feeling of impending disaster, just around the corner - it's called anxiety. It took me a long time to admit it, but I carry a lot of it with me throughout my day and usually in places it doesn't belong, where it effects me despite my better judgment. Lanny's right, you need a more effective way of looking at your past, and you'll need a new perspective on what you're doing right now to keep that going. Try seeing a therapist experienced in CBT, it's really helpful for me.
Cock and ball torture is really a great tool to keep a healthy mindset. -
2016-02-16 at 11:50 PM UTCI've made that joke before but it's still funny so fuck yourself.
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2016-02-17 at 3:35 AM UTC
Deconstructing 'Myths About Suicide'
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/s...ryId=126365907
You majored in psychology with honors and believe this? Well, this is a standard example of what the education systems puts out, nowadays. The amount of knowledge generally gained from undergraduate education is woefully inadequate.
You misread what I said and your response is very ironic. I did not say that people who attempt suicide are selfish or always seeking attention. What I'm talking about is a matter of empirical fact.
There is such a thing a a "suicidal gesture" as distinct from a "suicide attempt," and a major challenge to clinicians it to make sure they don't positively reinforce suicidal gestures with attention because they can and will evolve into suicide attempts. It's in the DSM. -
2016-02-17 at 5:38 AM UTCHow fucking stupid is it that suicide hotlines are government funded? If someone's thinking about committing suicide and they can get talked out of it by some stranger telling them their life is OK without any information available, chances are they weren't serious in the first place. If they were successfully talked out of suicide, I don't think a few dollars is too much to ask for what they think their life was worth, and if they die, their estate gets a few dollars on the phone bill on top of all the other costs. There's no reason for a huge elaborate multifaceted bureaucratic department devoted to fucking losers who are too weak to live on this planet, just a soft voiced woman with a cell phone who says nice things to people who call and then charges then out of ass for the call. They should really just be 1-900 numbers and have paid advertisements late at night when advertising is cheap and people are likely more prone to thinking about suicide, I can't believe no ones ever thought of this before
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2016-02-17 at 5:42 AM UTC
How fucking stupid is it that suicide hotlines are government funded? If someone's thinking about committing suicide and they can get talked out of it by some stranger telling them their life is OK without any information available, chances are they weren't serious in the first place. If they were successfully talked out of suicide, I don't think a few dollars is too much to ask for what they think their life was worth, and if they die, their estate gets a few dollars on the phone bill on top of all the other costs. There's no reason for a huge elaborate multifaceted bureaucratic department devoted to fucking losers who are too weak to live on this planet, just a soft voiced woman with a cell phone who says nice things to people who call and then charges then out of ass for the call. They should really just be 1-900 numbers and have paid advertisements late at night when advertising is cheap and people are likely more prone to thinking about suicide, I can't believe no ones ever thought of this before
I will find and skin you, you bitch nigger.
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2016-02-17 at 5:44 AM UTC
I will find and skin you, you bitch nigger.
Kill yourself. You owe me $9 -
2016-02-17 at 5:48 AM UTC
Kill yourself. You owe me $9
Give me your home address, I will arrive and peel your skin off with a spoon within 48 hours.
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2016-02-17 at 6:29 AM UTC
I will arrive and peel your skin off with a spoon within 48 hours.
