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I think about killing myself a lot
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2016-02-13 at 3:16 AM UTCI think about killing myself everyday. Usually several times a day.
I always anticipate that something awful is going to happen and, if it ever does, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to able to handle it. It's just this foreboding feeling that disaster is right around the corner. The worst part is that I feel guilty like I deserve it. I feel like I've lived a wicked and disgusting life and that I would deserve whatever is coming to me.
I feel awful for my family who would have to go on without me, especially my mother. We have a wonderful relationship and I'd hate to imagine her living her life everyday with the sorrow that her son is dead. I just feel guilty even thinking about it. I feel like it's already too late, which doesn't even make any sense.
Anyway, this wasn't a cry for attention or to have a ton of niggasinspace leave me warm fuzzies about how great you think I am. Honestly I'm a dick most of the time to you guys anyway. Most of you would probably think this is funny and joke about it if I ever blew my brains out.
I guess I just put it up here as a reminder for myself. -
2016-02-13 at 3:22 AM UTClol k
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2016-02-13 at 4:35 AM UTCFor a lot of years I had this thing where I'd remember some awkward and embarrassing or guilty moment in my past and just feel terrible about it, which is fairly standard I think, we all cringe at our younger selves a bit, but I developed the habit of responding to memories like that by imagining myself dying. Like I'd be walking along, remember that time I lied about watching whatever TV show my 10 year old friends were talking about and got caught, and in response picture the nearest person to me pulling out a gun and shooting me in the head. Or I'd think about jumping out in front of a car or something. That's kind of a mild example of social embarrassment but it was one of a handful of things that really bugged me for whatever reason, a couple of them actually being pretty grim. I think the logic behind it was that creating as immediate of a fear of death as possible would be enough to trigger some part of the fight/flight response and I'd be able to forget whatever I had just thought, which sounds kinda similar to what you're talking about. I did this from grade school until I was like 21.
Eventually it occurred to me (during a trip actually) that that seemed really unhealthy. I made a concerted effort, when I remembered something awkward/painful like that, to engage with the memory and be like "yeah, I did that, I'm responsible for that, but I can't change it". It was actually a pretty hard habit to break because it required I acknowledge something I really didn't want to but I found that as I did so those moments of shame or embarrassment stopped being a cause for anxiety. The stupid things I can laugh about now and the worse ones I still regret but at least I can admit to.
I don't know if any of that is relevant to you, but I think if it is then you're better off engaging with the awful things you're afraid of, even if that's painful to do so, than to be like "well if that happens I'm calling it quits". The stoics had some interesting ideas around preparing yourself for the worst. I think it was Epictetus in particular who advocated always contemplating the worse possible outcomes to a situation so that if it is realized it will be defanged, he thought that our emotional states are fundamentally self-determined and if we refuse, in advance of an outcome, declare ourselves destroyed or crushed by a particular turn of events, then such an outcome won't have power over how we feel. I'm not sure doting on the worst is always the answer but if we place anything as outside the real of "I can deal with that", if we refuse to even contemplate some things, then all we're doing is building it up as the thing that will be our undoing when there's no necessary reason to. -
2016-02-13 at 6 AM UTC
For a lot of years I had this thing where I'd remember some awkward and embarrassing or guilty moment in my past and just feel terrible about it, which is fairly standard I think, we all cringe at our younger selves a bit, but I developed the habit of responding to memories like that by imagining myself dying. Like I'd be walking along, remember that time I lied about watching whatever TV show my 10 year old friends were talking about and got caught, and in response picture the nearest person to me pulling out a gun and shooting me in the head. Or I'd think about jumping out in front of a car or something. That's kind of a mild example of social embarrassment but it was one of a handful of things that really bugged me for whatever reason, a couple of them actually being pretty grim. I think the logic behind it was that creating as immediate of a fear of death as possible would be enough to trigger some part of the fight/flight response and I'd be able to forget whatever I had just thought, which sounds kinda similar to what you're talking about. I did this from grade school until I was like 21.
Eventually it occurred to me (during a trip actually) that that seemed really unhealthy. I made a concerted effort, when I remembered something awkward/painful like that, to engage with the memory and be like "yeah, I did that, I'm responsible for that, but I can't change it". It was actually a pretty hard habit to break because it required I acknowledge something I really didn't want to but I found that as I did so those moments of shame or embarrassment stopped being a cause for anxiety. The stupid things I can laugh about now and the worse ones I still regret but at least I can admit to.
I don't know if any of that is relevant to you, but I think if it is then you're better off engaging with the awful things you're afraid of, even if that's painful to do so, than to be like "well if that happens I'm calling it quits". The stoics had some interesting ideas around preparing yourself for the worst. I think it was Epictetus in particular who advocated always contemplating the worse possible outcomes to a situation so that if it is realized it will be defanged, he thought that our emotional states are fundamentally self-determined and if we refuse, in advance of an outcome, declare ourselves destroyed or crushed by a particular turn of events, then such an outcome won't have power over how we feel. I'm not sure doting on the worst is always the answer but if we place anything as outside the real of "I can deal with that", if we refuse to even contemplate some things, then all we're doing is building it up as the thing that will be our undoing when there's no necessary reason to.
Your response to that is much healthier than saying "OW" or cursing like you just stubbed your toe... which is what I do. -
2016-02-13 at 6:45 AM UTCSuicide is a permanent non-solution to an almost certainly temporary problem. You might as well just hit the rails if you're going to kill yourself. A man who is not afraid of dying (or fears dying less than failing) is the ultimate weapon and can accomplish literally anything.
Let's for example say that a loan shark is going to break your knees... Option A is to kill yourself, option B is to do literally anything else, like bailing and starting a new life off the grid as a hobo. Worst case scenario on "anything else" is that you die, in which case that's what you were going to do anyway, right?
Another piece of advice I can give is to become another mother fucker. Being EasyDoesIt isn't working out for you? Grow a beard, hit the gym, wear cool clothes and become Joe Explosionson. Do a different thing for a few months and see how that works out for you.
Tl;Dr don't be a bitch and kill yourself.
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2016-02-13 at 6:52 AM UTCI think most healthy adults think about suicide at least once a day, right? If you're old enough that you should've grown out of all these behaviors by now and you haven't, it's probably not normal. I know the feeling of impending disaster, just around the corner - it's called anxiety. It took me a long time to admit it, but I carry a lot of it with me throughout my day and usually in places it doesn't belong, where it effects me despite my better judgment. Lanny's right, you need a more effective way of looking at your past, and you'll need a new perspective on what you're doing right now to keep that going. Try seeing a therapist experienced in CBT, it's really helpful for me.
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2016-02-13 at 7:12 AM UTCRead my recommendations here, if you're interested, it will help you understand what you're experiencing. The book is excellent, possibly the best there currently is on suicide, and makes for good depressive reading. https://www.reddit.com/r/Documentaries/comments/3wjn5q/the_bridge_2006_a_documentary_that_captures_a/cxwu5ik
Suicide is a permanent non-solution to an almost certainly temporary problem.
If you see conscious existence itself as the problem, then a permanent solution is exactly what you want. I was able to rationalize suicide via so many angles. The sense of self may be illusory, there are problems with the concept of the continuity of consciousness, which would imply that ultimately you may not be losing anything. -
2016-02-13 at 7:42 AM UTCI used to think about offing myself a lot. I pretty much had a top three suicide plan list. It is an interesting thought experiment if not a bit morbid and unhealthy. I began to get into meditation and discovered what is called A-Khrid meditation. It involves many steps but one of the phases is the phase of meditation upon death. This intruiged me so I began my own meditations based on the practice. I would stick a gun in my mouth and consider the action of pulling the trigger. Imagine the gasses burning my mouth just before the bullet emerges from the chamber. Its path through my brain outwards slightly angled up. A bullet hole in the wall. My hand and the gun falls to the ground and my bowels evacuate. I am dead. I imagine the person that finds me. I imagine my funeral, my burial and my long dark nap. Other times I would consider a drowning. Going under the water. Knowing the o2 in my lungs is all I have. Trying to make it last. Finally I cant take it. My mouth bursts open in some vain attempt to gather the necessary gasses but a liquid rushes in. Slowly being filled with water until my lungs are full. Thrashing about in a panicked fever. Finally the struggle stops. No more energy. No more time. Darkness overtakes me. My body bloated with water and having been a nutritious source of food for the creatures of the sea washes ashore. More wild animals find my carcass to be an easy source of food. Finally my body is found. No id, unrecognizable, disgusting and putrid. My last remains are cleaned up and brought to a state facility until it is determined no next of kin will come forth. My body is then disposed of. There is an annoying amount of paperwork that accompanies this and the file clerk is most annoyed at my passing.
Try it out man. Get fucking intense. Feel yourself die. Then come back and see how you feel.. -
2016-02-13 at 12:25 PM UTCAm I the only person here who doesn't want to kill himself? I reign superior again.
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2016-02-13 at 12:28 PM UTC
This book better just be one page that says "because that's the point, you fuck" and then 665 more blank pages.
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2016-02-13 at 3:56 PM UTC
For a lot of years I had this thing where I'd remember some awkward and embarrassing or guilty moment in my past and just feel terrible about it, which is fairly standard I think, we all cringe at our younger selves a bit, but I developed the habit of responding to memories like that by imagining myself dying. Like I'd be walking along, remember that time I lied about watching whatever TV show my 10 year old friends were talking about and got caught, and in response picture the nearest person to me pulling out a gun and shooting me in the head. Or I'd think about jumping out in front of a car or something. That's kind of a mild example of social embarrassment but it was one of a handful of things that really bugged me for whatever reason, a couple of them actually being pretty grim. I think the logic behind it was that creating as immediate of a fear of death as possible would be enough to trigger some part of the fight/flight response and I'd be able to forget whatever I had just thought, which sounds kinda similar to what you're talking about. I did this from grade school until I was like 21.
Eventually it occurred to me (during a trip actually) that that seemed really unhealthy. I made a concerted effort, when I remembered something awkward/painful like that, to engage with the memory and be like "yeah, I did that, I'm responsible for that, but I can't change it". It was actually a pretty hard habit to break because it required I acknowledge something I really didn't want to but I found that as I did so those moments of shame or embarrassment stopped being a cause for anxiety. The stupid things I can laugh about now and the worse ones I still regret but at least I can admit to.
This is pretty helpful. The process you're talking about has a name in clinical psychology known as rumination. The thing is that young people consistently ruminate a lot almost universally. And this makes sense, because you learn more from your mistakes than from your successes. There's possibly an evolutionary benefit to it, but I won't go on and on speculating about it because I'm sure you can connect the dots yourself. I'm going to try take this new attitude towards.I don't know if any of that is relevant to you, but I think if it is then you're better off engaging with the awful things you're afraid of, even if that's painful to do so, than to be like "well if that happens I'm calling it quits". The stoics had some interesting ideas around preparing yourself for the worst. I think it was Epictetus in particular who advocated always contemplating the worse possible outcomes to a situation so that if it is realized it will be defanged, he thought that our emotional states are fundamentally self-determined and if we refuse, in advance of an outcome, declare ourselves destroyed or crushed by a particular turn of events, then such an outcome won't have power over how we feel. I'm not sure doting on the worst is always the answer but if we place anything as outside the real of "I can deal with that", if we refuse to even contemplate some things, then all we're doing is building it up as the thing that will be our undoing when there's no necessary reason to.
I do this a lot. As in, not ruminating, but meditating on the worst possible outcomes. It definitely works. The antithesis of your example is kind of like how things are always better in your head than actually living them out. Once you actually experience them, it always seems less real to me than the idea of a thing. The opposite is true. That is, the idea of something bad happening is not as emotionally taxing as the consequences of it actually happening.Suicide is a permanent non-solution to an almost certainly temporary problem. You might as well just hit the rails if you're going to kill yourself. A man who is not afraid of dying (or fears dying less than failing) is the ultimate weapon and can accomplish literally anything.
Let's for example say that a loan shark is going to break your knees… Option A is to kill yourself, option B is to do literally anything else, like bailing and starting a new life off the grid as a hobo. Worst case scenario on "anything else" is that you die, in which case that's what you were going to do anyway, right?
Another piece of advice I can give is to become another mother fucker. Being EasyDoesIt isn't working out for you? Grow a beard, hit the gym, wear cool clothes and become Joe Explosionson. Do a different thing for a few months and see how that works out for you.
Tl;Dr don't be a bitch and kill yourself.
I already have a beard, hit the gym, and wear cool clothes, but this is good perspective anyway. A large part of my issues are financial (this isn't a guilt trip). We just don't have any money, the economy in the US is awful, and nobody gets ahead. Like President Obama said, "just getting by" is the new American Dream. The reason that I bring this up is basically for past three years I've been trying to figure out a way to make more than $14,000 a year so that I can take steps in the right direction. For the first two years after graduation I was applying to over 100 jobs a month in all sorts of skill levels. Nothing led anywhere, and it reached a point where I stopped trying. I recently started trying again.
Even so, I still have prospects and I'm hopeful, but it's just an awful feeling. I feel like a waste. It's not uncommon for twenty-somethings to go through a "quarter life crisis" anymore.
But I like this idea and am going to try and reinvent elements of myself that I don't like.I know the feeling of impending disaster, just around the corner - it's called anxiety. It took me a long time to admit it, but I carry a lot of it with me throughout my day and usually in places it doesn't belong, where it effects me despite my better judgment. Lanny's right, you need a more effective way of looking at your past, and you'll need a new perspective on what you're doing right now to keep that going. Try seeing a therapist experienced in CBT, it's really helpful for me.
I actually do see a psychologist. I've been seeing different ones since I got out of the military on and off. Just for the past month or so I've met one and I think we're making some real progress. Right now we're dealing with anxiety. We focus mainly on CBT, so excellent recommendation on your part.
A large part of the issue comes from being raised in a fundamentalist religious cult. I've been over it for years, but there's a subconscious part of me that still isn't apparently. That's partially where the anxiety comes from. The rest is biological.Read my recommendations here, if you're interested, it will help you understand what you're experiencing.
Just bought it online.Try it out man. Get fucking intense. Feel yourself die. Then come back and see how you feel..
I do meditations like I mentioned earlier, but not to this level. I'll try it.Am I the only person here who doesn't want to kill himself?
And yet, ironically, you're one of the only ones that should.
Thanks for your help space niggas. I really wasn't expecting this. -
2016-02-13 at 4 PM UTCWhy should I kill myself oplus?
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2016-02-13 at 4:19 PM UTC
Why should I kill myself oplus?
I didn't say you should kill yourself.
I said that you should want to, or in the very least stop squandering your life away. -
2016-02-13 at 4:23 PM UTCYou should reply to my rebuttal in the bundy withdrawals thread, also, take the test I posted.
Why the fuck should I want to kill myself? Are you insane or retarded? -
2016-02-13 at 4:49 PM UTCSploo, I don't care what you do, but I don't want you to kill yourself. My point was that it's ironic the dude who literally drinks over a gallon of cough syrup per week has no fleeting thoughts of killing himself while a lot of otherwise productive, intelligent people just posted that they either have wrestled with it or still do.
As far as your "rebuttal" is concerned, it's the same attention seeking behaviors that comprises most of your posts since I've met you. I've already made my point in the thread that you don't know what you're talking about, you know nothing about psychology or neuroscience, and you're just loosely connecting buzz words and technical jargon that you don't understand with horrible reasoning. It's obvious to anyone who is cognizant, reading that thread, or took an intro psychology class. You're just embarrassing yourself but you're either too much of a clown to realize it, it gives you some kind of masochistic pleasure, or you think it bothers me (newsflash - it doesn't).
Like I said, I don't care what you do man. I've had almost a hundred people like you come in and out of my life, and they all end up in the same three places - dead, in jail, or squandering away their lives. If that's what you want to do, that's your choice. Hell, maybe you'll never have higher aspirations than living a life constantly dissociated on cough syrup and nutmeg. What I will tell you is that life doesn't lead to happiness and by the time you're old enough to realize you want to change it, you'll probably have experienced such significant neurological damage that it'll cripple you for the rest of your life at least behaviorally (if that hasn't already happened).
So do whatever you want, but your constant needs to defend yourself and rationalize your behavior at least in part demonstrates that you know it's a bad idea. -
2016-02-13 at 4:55 PM UTCAlso, like I seem to have to constantly remind you, I have a degree in psychology. As in, I paid a shit ton of money to have the instruction and guidance of professionals in the field with first hand sources and produced research in laboratory with full course load for four years. I also had honors. I don't rely on gay little internet test which are completely devoid of diagnostic context to diagnose disorders - especially when they're working out of models that medical professionals haven't used for years. The fact that you obsess over those stupid things just further show you don't know what you're doing dude.
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2016-02-13 at 5:41 PM UTCI used to feel suicidal when I was younger, but I discovered a sort of what I like to call spirituality and while I find it difficult to put what I'm talking about into words, I changed because of it. I'm content with life now, I think when I was younger I felt like there were pieces missing to the puzzle but at some point I put it all together and while I may still not have all the answers the answers I have helped me enough to become happy. I hope something like that happens in your life too.
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2016-02-13 at 6:03 PM UTCI enjoy when famous or notorious people suicide. It serves as a simple reminder that I'm nearly as depressed as I sometimes tend to think I am. I've gone through a few mild suicidal phases I suppose but have known not-even-that-deep within that I would never follow through. It's pretty dang weird to consider what it would feel like to literally GIVE UP ALL HOPE. If I did decide to one day end myself for whatever reason, I would likely either vacuum-seal myself in a body sized clear plastic airtight bag, or drink a nice refreshing glass of gasoline and pop in a lit match to chase it.
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2016-02-13 at 6:28 PM UTCYou should kill yourself. You do know that your post discouraging my efforts on doing anything in my life worked. I've been sleeping for days. I was already in a depression and I don't need you telling me how bad my "not even music" is. You dick.
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2016-02-13 at 6:29 PM UTCOh easydoesit you're oplus? That explains alot. You really do love making me want to kill myself don't you?
