Today I realized that I'm kind of a huuuuuuuge jerk. And I don't know why, if I was born hardwired like this, have mental problems, or didn't listen to my parents growing up... ect... But I honestly think that I may have some wrong with my brain, kind of like a weird depression.
I try to do things for people I care about, but every now and then I lose it and act like a total asshole. I always wanted to get married and have kids (with my wife) And I've had a lot of girls who I found attractive that genuinely wanted to be around me and loved me because they thought I charming, sweet, and interesting, but I act like a huge jerk.
I even had a girl I've been seeing recently who makes me gifts and is actually about to buy a house and I also thought she was cool which is rare for me to think girls are cool. I picked her up to come to my place 2 days before my birthday and we hungout all day and she slept over, I woke up early like I always do because I have problems sleeping (i only sleep for 3-4 hours at a time and when I wake up I think about killing myself) but when I woke up and noticed that she was still there... I couldn't stand it so I went to my other room for awhile, then went outside for a morning stroll to the coffee shop and called a bud to say whats up. So I was gone for like thirty minutes or so.
When I got back she was up putting on her makeup and just generally acting like a total cunt. I said "hey.... whats up?" and she said "I didn't say anything..." i was like "haha okay.." So I just go to my bed and listen to music on my laptop with Archie. And the girl (after taking 30 minutes to do her makeup, because I took thirty minutes getting coffee) comes and sits down with me an we are just chilling, and she says "can I ask you a weird question?" (she always ask weird questions) she said "I wasn't asleep when you left (thats kinda weird cause she seemed like she was asleep) and I was just wanted to know what you do when you go to that other room, I'm not going to be upset with what you tell me)
And when she told me that I snapped on the inside. I politely told her that I couldn't sleep and just wanted to get on my laptop and not wake her up because I thought she was sleeping, which was a lie. I just honestly wanted to be by myself for awhile.
I took her home and she told me she wanted to make me dinner for my birthday and I told her that would be cool. She wanted a kiss from me before she left , but I really didn't want to do it because I was pissed that she asked me what she did. I hesitantly did it.
A few hours later I got really drunk and I told her I don't want her to come over anymore, and she called and left me a very sad voicemail and it made me feel bad to hear it.
It's just I got burnt so bad by my daughters mom that I'm afraid that I'm going to have another child. (this girl and I have hungout a lot recently but I still don't know her that well)
But aside from that I'm trying to work on my alcoholism and have been drinking a lot less, but for a couple hours a day I have the worst nausea and I think I might have an ulcer.
My friend is going to bring me some glutamic acid later, to help me with the stomach issues I've been having.
I guess this probably wasn't even worth posting, its just I probably need to just work out and eat better, but I've always been my favorite little princess and sometimes I feel like life isn't worth living if I can't cant drink my life away..
Yeah but I'm just tripping so hard right now and am bored.
Something weird I've noticed is when I'm tripping light bulbs go out.
The last two times I was tripping and walked into my place and went to the bathroom and turned the light switch on it went out.. is it electrical problems or is god telling me something? I dunno..
I guess I've tasted the isosceles just a few to many times and I have mental problems i didn't before, even when I went to the coffee shop earlier while tripping, a dog looked at me weird. he looked me like "that dog has problemz"
Now that I actually have my own grandmas money now, I could try to do something to make me happier like buy some versace sun glasses, an ouija board, and a synthetic skinned robot girl, but something makes me think that that will only make me happy for so long.
right now just like my old cat , he uses my bass amp as a cat tower, which I would to if I was a cat.
My cat is a complete dick half the time, even more than my last one, but I could try to raise him right and give him something. His parents before me, had him for two weeks then took him back because "he was sick and had an abscess on his leg, he's broken!"
fucking assholes
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I also wake up wanting to kill myself. I think its just the state of the world for people our generations, we have the carnal desire to breed and create more humans but our instincts have no idea about the capitalist jedi machine fucking us all.
I can hardly stand to be around friends, family or try to date.. I'm just too depressed. The only interaction that seems meaningful to me anymore is with my cat.
Hobbies and interests are the only thing that distract me from the darkness. The whole Bill Krozbydogs thing led to me spending a week researching every hotdog variation on the planet and trying to memorize how to cook them all. I bought two family sized packs of dogs, all beef and pork. The only thing Im missing is "Sport peppers".
