2017-07-03 at 5:36 AM UTC
It has come to my attention that I've yet to name you, so I will call you Lysol, in honor of all the times I've sprayed you with Lysol.
I don't know where you've gone or what you're doing, but I hope you're not dead. I enjoyed watching you build your web that day over the toilet. It was the first day I saw you. From that very moment I knew that I would not kill you. You were different from the other spiders. Your exoskeleton was golden brown like a golden brown, and your legs were long and spidery. You were an exemplary example of your species and it is an honor to have known you.
In your time with me I noticed a distinct lack of flies. My bathroom never had flies, but if it had, I am assured you would have killed them and for that I thank you. I also thank you for the company you kept me, there, in my lonesome hour. The bathroom is by its nature a lonely place, and having you around filled me with warm jelly like the jelly they put inside
When you presented your sac to me some days ago i was confused. Was it a part of you that had fallen off? Was it food? Was it perhaps... eggs? I do not know. But I do know that you cared for them, and had something happened to them I too would've cared for your spiderlings as if they were my own. In that, you can be assured.
I'll admit, I did try to kill you. But the ceiling is higher than I am tall, and I could not reach you. I can't help but feel this has put a divide between us. For the first week it was so sweet. We shared a love that felt like the world's first. But then came the Lysol and the citrus oil, and not long after I was ramming the paint beside you with a tube of lotion. I watched with curiosity as you struggled to fix your web, as your legs slipped and your body twitched. I watched, and I sprayed, but I don't think I listened.
Then you moved locations. You laid your eggs. And now you're gone and my shits are lonely yet again. I wonder if you will ever return to that fateful corner in the bathroom where we first met. Sometimes I walk in, and still expect to see you there. But you aren't. Not anymore.
I pray that your life is successful, and that you do not get eaten by a mouse. I pray because I know that you are a spider worth reproducing, and my attic would be blessed to rum amok with your spawn. I know that you will never read this, because I know that you cannot read, but I hope that in my writing it I can send energy to the stars beyond and give to you my parting gift, my good will.
So goodbye, Lysol, goodbye and good luck.
M A Y Y O U H A V E M A N Y D A U G H T E R S A N D M A Y T H E Y A L L M A R R Y W E L L .
2017-07-03 at 5:47 AM UTC
Nice words, too bad you waste them on a spider.
2017-07-03 at 10:19 AM UTC
Reminds me of the stories my father would tell me about Les and Henrietta.
Dark elves, male dark elves in particular, usually don't deal with Lolth, or want shit to do with spiders, but Henrietta was different. Female dark elves worship the spider queen, torture and do so much evil... Henrietta wasn't like that. She was this big hairy spider, who didn't jive with Lolth.
Sugar, like refined sugar and shit, would be a rare treat, I think, in the underdark... Man, those were some stories, yo... 13 year campaign... fuck... epic.
2017-07-03 at 11:58 AM UTC
Maybe you could make friends with one of the many flies that will soon frequent your bathroom.
.
2017-07-04 at 5:02 AM UTC
Have you checked with your neighbors, perhaps she ventured out on a spiritual journey of some sort?
2017-07-04 at 5:09 AM UTC
I've put out fliers but nobody has called the number yet (I photoshooped it out for privacy rasins)
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2017-07-06 at 4:09 AM UTC
Still no sign of Lysol. Does anybody have any tips?
2017-07-06 at 10:51 AM UTC
he turned up here last night with all his bags. says you nearly killed him and he's never coming back home again. i told him he can stay here as long as he likes.
.
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2017-07-06 at 11:47 AM UTC
Who tf sprays their friends with Lysol
2017-07-06 at 6:58 PM UTC
Tell him to text me
We can work this out
I only threatned his life I don't get what the big deal is. He should get over it.
2017-07-06 at 7:12 PM UTC
am considering opening a refuge for battered and abused spiders. i think i could do a lot of good in the community with this project. me and lysol talked about it in detail last night, he thinks its a great idea and gives me his full support. shall talk to the local authorities tomorrow about funding.
sorry §m£ÂgØL, the conditions of the refuge state no cell phones are allowed as spider victims of domestic abuse can be contacted by their abusers, and be subject to threats and intimidation. obviously we cannot allow this to happen which is the reason for the outside communications ban.
.
2017-07-06 at 7:20 PM UTC
Fuck you, I'm going to see him tonight. I'm writing a letter to him right now.
