2024-11-17 at 8:32 PM UTC
I think about my friends who died and the fact I didn't. I feel like I squandered the life I was blessed to not have taken away from me young. I sometimes feel like they watch and talk to me at night. Like when I'm falling asleep or when I dream sometimes they bother me. Sometimes it's positive but often times it's not. I often feel like they're jealous or unhappy that I didn't die with them.
This carries forward to my day as I contemplated this. I don't believe it's my mind just talking to itself, the same way I don't believe when I talk to God that he's just a figment of my imagingaytion.
I miss them but I am happy that like if a set number of us had to die that it was them and that I was merely wounded/permanently damaged but I dind't have to join them.
Can you relate to this?
2024-11-17 at 8:39 PM UTC
And I've thought about opening up to like a mental health professional about this but I'm apprehensive since I've always talked to God in my sleep/when falling asleep that's an important part of my life.
What's difficult is my dead friends bothering me at night.
It's not psychosis or like Paul Woznophrenia because it's never happened during the day and the majority of the time it happens when I am sleeping, with it happening sometimes when I am falling asleep.
But it does bother me and sometimes makes me sad. Sometimes happy. I don't want to go on seroquel or trazadone or ambien or anything and I don't see what they're gonna do/diagnose me with but it is something I find troubling but have to accept to be me.
2024-11-17 at 8:43 PM UTC
Fun fact; I thought all living humans had a personal connection with God and would talk to him in their sleep, while they're falling asleep (When most people pray), and like had direct 2way conversations with a divine spirit in the sky that spoke to them in their head.
I was about 16 when it was made clear to me in AP Psych that most people have not heard the voice of god, have not had dreams about God, have not sat there and asked Him questions and been asked questions and really chummed it up with him like he was a wise old friend that wanted to hang out. Like it was explained to me by a couple of the kids who had transferred into high school from the private grade school that they had never spoken with God and I remember being so bewildered that they continue going to mass and doing wednesday services and thehn bible studies and praying every night and before they ate to someone who wouldn't even like talk to them once.
I thought all people except maybe athiests had direct relationships with God/the gods and then I found out like most people don't and I felt really like out of place trying to explain to these people my perspective.
Then when my friends started dying left and right some of them also began to talk to me and at times bother me.
2024-11-17 at 8:50 PM UTC
I've known a lot of people who died
2024-11-17 at 8:51 PM UTC
I won't talk as much anymore, sorry.
2024-11-17 at 8:54 PM UTC
sometimes i just feel sad about things and don't really have anyone I feel like I can communicate them to in real life so I go on an internet troll forum and open my soul up and pour my heart out into the keyboard
will anyone help me? Probably not. I don't see there being much anyone can do.
Does it make me feel better to share how I feel? Yeah.
Is that okay, Foxweiner?
2024-11-17 at 9:08 PM UTC
Instigator
Naturally Camouflaged
[the staring tame crusher]
I took all my meds so I can't read that tonight.
Sorry.
2024-11-17 at 9:15 PM UTC
Originally posted by Bradley
sometimes i just feel sad about things and don't really have anyone I feel like I can communicate them to in real life so I go on an internet troll forum and open my soul up and pour my heart out into the keyboard
will anyone help me? Probably not. I don't see there being much anyone can do.
Does it make me feel better to share how I feel? Yeah.
Is that okay, Foxweiner?
Yeah no it's cool. I just can't relate because I have a deep fear of loss and an aversion to vulnerability, so I preemptively sabotage most relationships and friendships and generally avoid attachments. Specifically so I don't have to feel this stuff ur talkm bout
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2024-11-17 at 9:36 PM UTC
That's okay, Foxweiner. I'll stidll be ur friend even if do neglect me and your other friend.
2024-11-17 at 9:57 PM UTC
and sometimes, on the darkest nights, when i need sleep the most... i dream of him.
2024-11-17 at 11:02 PM UTC
I just burned my finger on a cigarette
2024-11-18 at 11:05 AM UTC
Night time bes like that sometimes. I try not to let it get too quiet.
2024-11-18 at 11:07 AM UTC
Maybe we'll learn our lessons for next time we cycle round, ay bud?
*crosses fingers*
NO DUNG BEETLE NO DUNG BEETLE
The following users say it would be alright if the author of this
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2024-11-18 at 12:09 PM UTC
I kinda feel like deep sadness and lonliness are my default setting because I'm pretty traumatized. I often mask it with jokes and acting happy but the emptiness remains. It is what it is.
