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Two way balance of the Universe
I’m going to make a post about God, and the Universe. Yeah, I know, you hear people start to talk about God and you sigh and expect the worst. Well, the thoughts you’re going to read aren’t neccisarily all mine, I’ve been doing alot of studying, reading, and looking into many different viewpoints recently and I’ll share some with you, especially the ones that have resonated with me.
God’s universal body is a two way compensating, continuous and eternal universe of balance in every single effect of motion. Generation is radiation, compression equals expansion, red equals blue, solid matter balances the potential of its surrounding space in every single wave field and each of every opposite pair not only balances with its opposite but bornes it through sequential intercharge.
God’s universe is composed completely of pulsating electric waves, that we call matter. These pulsating waves can be referred to as the universe’s heartbeat or universal breath of God’s body. God’s body continues its manifestation of life principle by breathing outward and inward sequentially just like we do to continue existence.
Everything in the universe breathes out and in, with a rhythm. There are no exceptions. every sun, planet, moon, electron, of an atom obeys but in varying frequencies responding to their potential. Your breath frequency may be ten per minute, the suns is one cycle in 11 years.
The most obvious fact of nature is repetition of every effect of motion in two way pulsing cycles. Every cycle in nature is two way.
Gods universe of electric waves has no beginning or ending in time. It is all infinite, eternal. Forever lasting.
science metaphysics god dichotomy electricity universe
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Apr 4th, 2019
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Big Long Now- from junkyard to landfill (my war)
Okay so I highly doubt anyone views this blog independently, regularly, or really at all. Maybe a couple of stray clicks out of curiousity but probably nothing too intense.
I made my last post around the end of my 2018 rehab tour, which was filled with misery, suicidal thoughts, severe pain, changes, fleeting euphoria, acceptance, survival, homelessness, violence, injury and huge changes to the way I think.
It all started in late march 2018. I had grown tired of waking up each morning to schlep all the way to the methadone clinic and not be able to urinate due to stress, have to meet with a therapist, or just out of plain sickness of life. My weight had dropped from a healthy 220 to 140 in a little less than a year. This started, along with so many changes in my thinking and inhibition, when I was hit over the head with a drinking glass on July 7 2017 by a friend. an insane, flipped out, drugged out friend. And I was in the same condition.
Long story short, the head injury was located around the area of the left frontal lobe. As soon as I got home on the train I rushed home, took all the opioids I had and scrounged the floor for spice with a vengence. This is how the next.. long time would look. Combined with the feeling of my favorite stimulant, dexmethylphenidate starting to shit the bed after 3 solid years of service.
I spent alot of 2017 and early 2018 just drugged out of my mind on speed, coke, weed ,spice,adderall,benzos,opiates,ritalin.. Just everything, And my selfishness came to a head in early April 2018 when I got in a fight over my parents after they ruined an LSD+coke high and made me extremely agitated. Well this isnt due to selfishness per se just the addictive void my selfishness led me to. I wasn’t trying to bother anyone, just to enjoy some chemicals without the bruhaha of being yelled at, insulted and intruded upon by my father.
In a nutshell, I slashed my stomach with a rusty machete, threw a buddha statue through a window, ran off into a creek and started to build myself a hut with reeds and leaves.
Yeah. Thats how 5 years of addiction end. Psychwarded for a month against my will. My memory of that place wasn’t that bad, as I was still being given the 90mg of methadone daily, along with some other comfort meds. I did have a lot of interesting conversations there and overall it wasn;t that bad.
The next place, and the dozens following that, for the most part, have been some of the worst months I’ve had in my entire life. Next time I will share with you the entirety of the 2018 fiasco and my return to grace but with a new found bitterness.
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy the blog
rehab florida shuffle florida rehab spice coke crack weed addiction rehabilitation 12 steps narcotics anonymous battling addiction
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Finished and unfinished prints of my main alien character, Phynalzia-2201
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Update about gender experience
The first post I made was pretty laced with talking about drugs, how drugs effected my gender perception, drugs drugs drugs, crossdressing makeup, fetish sexy, girly drugs, etc. You get the picture. That is probably the worst way to explain that you’re transgender to other trans and regular-gendered people (I will never in my life use the word cisgender. Yes I know the terms come from chemistry, -trans and -cis, but the word has been dirtied by the mass of insane feminist, pseudo-trans attention whores and the like.
Anyways, over the years, separate from fetishes, I’ve had a feeling inside, that I know I’m transgender, like a certainty, but it wasn’t powerful enough inside to make me do something about it immediately. Hell, my first drug use when I was 12 was due to gender-identity problems that I couldn’t comprehend because I knew nothing about the spectrum. Anyways, let me explain to you my feelings that I’m trans.
Pretty much every day when I wake up and get dressed, I really get pissed off that all I have to wear is mens clothing. It doesn’t feel right sometimes. Doesn’t match how I feel inside.
You could say that yeah I could just be a crossdresser, and hell, maybe I am. Because there are certain things that most/all transgender people experience that I don’t I don’t have gender dysphoria, I haven’t known I was transgender since childhood, and alot more experiences I don’t share. I used to go on a transgender chatroom and whenever I would explain why I think I’m transgender, every time they would say nope, its a fetish, nope youre a crossdresser.
I guess I’m just genderfluid then. Because its not purely sexual. Sometimes I feel like a woman inside and out and it has nothing to do with sex, its not arousing to wear makeup or womens clothing.
As you can tell, I’m still quite confused. I even feel ashamed talking about this. I don’t know guys. whatever….
transgender ashamed gender confusion genderfluid
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Simulation hypothesis
Reality, as we consciously experience it, is not real, goes back to the indigenous people who believed that we exist in a dream or illusion. In our current timeline, we refer to the our virtual reality experience as a matrix, grids, simulation and hologram. There are those trying to prove the simulation exists and others who are trying to break us out of it.
Time is an illusion, therefore so is everything else. The universe is a consciousness hologram or simulation. Reality is projected illusion within. It is a virtual experiment created in linear time to study emotions. Our simulation is composed of grids created by a source consciousness brought into awareness by electromagnetic energy at the physical level. The hologram is created and linked through a web, or grid matrixes.
The hologram had a beginning ergo it has an end, as consciousness evolves in the alchemy of time. As the grids collapse, everything within the hologram will end as it Fades to Black.
In media we find films, television shows, books, and games, based on the concept of reality as a hologram/simulation Among the more easily recognized are The Matrix , The Thirteenth Floor, Inception (Dream), the Holodeck (Grids) in the TV series Star Trek, among others.
An increased understanding of artificial intelligence will bring clarity to the concept of reality is a simulation as they are virtually connected.
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The simulation hypothesis contends that reality is in fact a simulation (most likely a computer simulation), of which we, the simulants, are totally unaware. Some versions rely on the development of simulated reality, a fictional technology. The hypothesis has been a central plot device of many science fiction stories and films. There is a long philosophical and scientific history to the underlying thesis that reality is an illusion. This skeptical hypothesis can be dated as far back as Indian philosophy of Maya illusion. Read more
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Simulated reality is the hypothesis that reality could be simulated - for example by computer simulation - to a degree indistinguishable from “true” reality. It could contain conscious minds which may or may not be fully aware that they are living inside a simulation. This is quite different from the current, technologically achievable concept of virtual reality. Virtual reality is easily distinguished from the experience of actuality; participants are never in doubt about the nature of what they experience. Simulated reality, by contrast, would be hard or impossible to separate from “true” reality. There has been much debate over this topic, ranging from philosophical discourse to practical applications in computing.
Update on bupropion’s chemistry
I had speculated that the reason why bupropion is so euphoric is because the prodrug to the metabolites, or the main drug, bupropion itself, is the most effective in DA reuptake inhibition. Well, an article on pubmed begs to differ
The therapeutic effect of bupropion is presumed to be, in part, due to the antidepressant activity of 3 metabolites: hydroxybupropion, threohydrobupropion, and erythrohydrobupropion
This might simply mean that the antidepressant therapeutic effects are expressed more due to the metabolites, not that there is less NA/DA reuptake inhibition in the main chemical.
And just to further show that the most intense effect would be through either insufflation or intravenous routes of administration, is a simple chart
image
the most instant forms of release have the highest plasma concentration, therefore, insufflation and intravenous would be hella more intense,
I originally didn’t feel the need to include this data due to common sense but maybe some people need it
bupropion pharmacology mechanism of action drugs harm reduction drugnerds
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My new music project
https://thedissociativecollective.bandcamp.com/Haven’t really been able to make any music in a year, finally I have access to a computer and synth/drum equipment… its not the best software so for most of the music I have on there I reuploaded from other projects. I don’t consider that cheating or whatever because 1. its my music I can do what I please with it 2. No one/hardly anyone ever listened to these songs anyway so its pretty much like using unused material, or demos, as some bands make demo packages.
Anyways, I would definately reccomend my album Affinity for Recombination, it’s basically a collection of songs that fully show my range of musical abilities and styles.. I’ll go over each song and let you know what to expect
Monoamine oxidase- A deep cutting, fast, and heavy song with alot of distortion.. extremely hard hitting drum riffs, and a strange combination of distorted bass and dissonant acoustic guitar.
Sandface- Starting off with a fast drum solo, you would expect it to go into a cutting guitar riff of some sort as the beginning of the song, but instead, you hear bass licks, consistent patterns of slappy thoughtful riffs, and later in the song it gets more insane, heavily fuzzy and distorted vocals come in, the bass starts going into fast ridiculous riffs.. and it ends with a single word ‘‘sandface’‘
Crosseyed and painless- A throwback to my old 2015 style of music with guitar tracks on multisecond delays and vocal tracks following the same style… with clear drums that hold the song together. A psychedelic demo type song that’s a cover of a Talking Heads Masterpiece.
Owners of an imperfect universe/Natural selection- This track mixes up the direction the album is going in, with a garage rock vibe and funky drums with distorted guitar leading into unsure riffs… and then suddenly …. BOOM, straight into a WAVVES-esque heavy noise rock tune with inaudible vocals.. ending with typical shambo riffs.
Tolerance Uprising- Another gem lost from 2015. Double tracked guitars with a slight delay rocking out in an angry beginning riff, fading into a consistently angry verse, and then the SCREAMING vocals come out of nowhere with a direct screamo vibe and you even hear a call-and-response from the left channel.. more intelligible singing continues, and then a decent solo. Vocals afterwards talk about anger towards a drug addict know it all (Cough.. John)
Schplew- A very ironic track. A song I wrote while I was angry as fuck towards former best friend John, performed by John and I. Apparently he didn’t realize how getting him to perform the song just solidified my angst towards the psychopath who tried to kill me with a bottle to my forehead.
Common Deleriant- Filler track, pretty loud and annoying
Soundcheck- from a Carpet Surfers session, funky drums and guitar testing
Universal Disconnect- Starts out with pure silence for a good 10 seconds and then a synthesizer playing an emotional sonata with drums to follow. A new song I made last week.
Serotonin Syndrome/Blackout- One of my first songs I ever made. A funky guitar strumming pattern with a walking bassline. Fades into Blackout, a drum machine created pattern with a guitar following over it, and then added on, a repetetive synth beep, finishes with a pitch increasing end
Unreal Aberration- WARNING, SPEAKER BREAKER. A very badly mixed TCS demo.
The 33 Conundrum- Drum and synth come together to form a thoughtful, emotional, and experimental, genre bending clash, with an irish folk vibe
Separate Ways to oblivion- One of my most emotional songs I’ve ever written, about fixing myself, self discovery, and a proto-transdiscovery song with an obvious gender vibe, clashing with hatred towards a certain lover
The hell tuner- An old track, an insane synthesizer rollercoaster
Are u straight- I don’t even know what this song is
Anonymous asked:
Why you so gay fag.
atleast im not autistic
Personal feelings about gender and transitioning
Well here’s a topic I almost never talk about… I pretty much only ever talk about this to a select few friends.. a couple of my friends think its a huge fucking joke and make perpetual wisecracks about it.. yeah, I’m used to it. I’m not a precious little snowflake, I can take it, and it hardly bothers me. My point it, theres not many people I can actually talk about this to. You guys, whoever reads this blog, I’m guessing its mostly my youtube fans, some online friends who I know from youtube, nootropics pages, trianglism, etc, and a few people who I was friends with irl a very long time ago but I consider deeply formed souls, I guess are gonna pretty much be the only people I talk about this to,,, blog viewers. I might’ve lost some meaning in that run on sentence.
Anyways, my mom knows I’m transgender, my sister knows, and I’ve had a fair share of self acceptance conversations from them during times where I felt ridiculous and a fool for wearing makeup and womens clothes,
To start from the beginning, I started crossdressing when I was 12. It was the most exciting thing I ever discovered in my life at that point, I don’t remember if it was strictly a fetish, I’m pretty sure at first there was no sexual involvement or connection at all. Just wearing girly clothes made me feel.. electric. Anyway, fast forward a couple years. I would spend time, sneaking girls clothing into my room, dressing up, dancing, just acting girly.. in a sexual way. And then I’d jack off. It turned into a fetish. At that point I didn’t even consider being transgender. I was certain I just had a tranny fetish.
Fast forward again, to my meth, and heavy drug use. At age 16 I started going from a light drug user, of methylphenidate, small amounts of spice, amphetamine, and gabaergics, but always quit before it fucked up my life, to a heavy stimulant and opiate addict.
This also intersects with when my original, very sadly, forever lost, youtube channel started blowing up.. 2016. I would livestream fucked up out my mind on meth or PPX, dressed up in tight skirts and dresses, wigs, and heavy makeup.. eyeshadow, mascara, bright pink blush and deep red or purple lipstick. And I played the part. I danced, I played guitar and bass, and truly was a punk (I wasn’t trying to be, but honestly, the drug use,dressing and music, altogether, was a pretty fucking radical sight to behold. Sadly my youtube account is gone)
In early 2016 I took suboxone for the first time from a guy Chris, who I met at the bus station. Eventually we became very close, and eventually, best friends. I met him at his house on a weekly basis, buying suboxone, gabapentin and ativan from him, chillin out with him and his girlfriend. For the first time in my life I felt truly.. okay. Real friends that actually care about me. When I mentioned my transgenderism, Chris couldn’t have been more pleased. He loved it. He encouraged me to just go full blown slut mode, act as a girly as possible, just to completely flip my personality around and express non-confusing, anger-less, pure, joy in expression. I felt a little embarrased when he came up with these ideas, but it brought up a bunch of questions. I told him I was trans because I crossdressed for a long time and incase I was fucked up on meth and accidentally wore lipstick or something he would know why. But it made me think.
I remember a specific day, that I will never forget. I was in my room, home from Chris’s house, listening to Speeding Cars by Imogen Heap. It hit me in a way I never felt before. I cried so hard and thought about so many things. I’m sure my fragile emotional state was brought on by my low tolerance to the high gabapentin dose I took earlier that day, the ativan, opiates, and.. just pure feelings. Drugs can’t make you feel in ways like I felt. They can influence your mindset but cannot create emotional landscapes.
diving into oblivion
