This is hilarious.

1. 2015-12-29 at 10:04 PM UTC

   #1
   

   Sophie Pedophile Tech Support
   So i was browsing some github repos when i come across one that has this in the readme.
   
   

   [INDENT] xxx: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown… If something - anything - requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that.
   xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy"
   xxx: You're gonna love this
   xxx: smack-my-bitch-up.sh - sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login.
   xxx: kumar-asshole.sh - scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help", "trouble", "sorry" etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time".
   xxx: hangover.sh - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling well/gonna work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am.
   xxx: (and the oscar goes to) fucking-coffee.sh - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens a telnet session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has a TCP socket up and running) and sends something like sys brew. Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits another 24 (!) seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk.
   xxx: holy sh*t I'm keeping those

   
   https://github.com/NARKOZ/hacker-scripts
   
   Ayyyyy lmao, i like this guy.
   [/INDENT]
   
   
2. 2015-12-29 at 11:27 PM UTC

   #2
   The Self Taught Man Black Hole
   Fucking genius.
3. 2015-12-30 at 8:59 AM UTC

   #3
   

   SBTlauien African Astronaut
   I'm going to set my new Kerig up on my network.