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Shitty Jokes
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2023-09-05 at 6:48 PM UTCTwo old ladies are sitting on a bus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and one old lady pulls out a condom, stretches it out, snips the tip off and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp. The other old lady thinks that it is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom, and that you can buy them at a pharmacy. The 2nd old lady thanks her, and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week.
Sure enough, a few days latter she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter and says “Young man, I would like to but a condom please”. The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies “Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before… um. What size do you need?” The old woman pauses, then replies “I need one that will fit a camel”.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2023-09-05 at 6:49 PM UTCJesus and Moses are out playing golf one day. When they come to the 14th hole, which is a particularly nasty 310 yard, par 4, with a water hazard in front of the green.
Moses leads off, and drives a beautiful shot straight down the fairway, laying-up 10 yards short of the water hazard.
Jesus steps up to the tee, and tells Moses, “I’m going for the green. I saw Arnold Palmer make this same shot last year”. Moses advises Jesus he’ll never make the green, and to lay-up short.
Jesus tells Moses, “No, I saw Arnold Palmer make this shot, and I know if he can do it, so can I”.
So Jesus tees up the ball, hits it, and watches it land in the middle of the water hazard. Jesus turns to Moses, asking him to please part the waters so he can retrieve his golf ball. Moses parts the waters, allowing Jesus to retrieve his ball.
Jesus comes back to the tee, and tells Moses, “I’m going to try it again. If Arnold Palmer can make this shot, I know I can too”. Jesus tees up his golf ball, hits it, and again watches it land in the middle of the water hazard. He turns to Moses, and asks him to part the waters so he can retrieve his golf ball. Moses says OK, and parts the waters, so Jesus can retrieve his golf ball again.
Jesus comes back, and once again tees up the ball telling Moses he can make the shot, because if Arnold Palmer can do it, he can too. Moses tells Jesus, if he hits the ball into the water this time, he’s not going to help him get it back.
Jesus takes a mighty swing, and watches the ball fall just short of the green, once again landing in the water. He turns to Moses, and asks him to part the waters, and Moses tells him no, he had to retrieve the ball on his own. So Jesus walks out onto the water searching for his golf ball.
About this time, the follow-on foursome approaches the 14th hole, and sees Jesus walking on water. One of the foursome asks Moses who the guy walking on water thinks he is! Jesus Christ?!
Moses responds, “no, he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer”.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2023-09-05 at 6:57 PM UTCThe IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2023-09-05 at 7:21 PM UTCYou got any abit longer?
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2023-09-05 at 7:32 PM UTCThe world's richest man is dying. He's made peace with that. But what bothers him is no one in the afterlife will even know it.
Here he's a self-made man who created this huge fortune from scratch,but he can't take it with him. Not that he could spend it,of course, but just to SHOW everyone what a great success the poor boy had become.
He broods over this so that his guardian angel is worried. One night the angel flies to Heaven to consult Jesus. Jesus says “Well, you know earthly wealth has no place here"
The angel replies “I know Lord, but he's been such a good man. Did a lot for charity ,ran his business honestly. He's only human. He can't help having this little quirk. Isn't there something we can do to ease his mind?
Jesus thinks a moment. “”All right. Let's look him up in the Book of Life" The Book is like a film of this man's life and seeing his struggles , Jesus is moved.
He tells the guardian angel “Wake him and tell him I will allow him to bring one suitcase-only one,mind you. And he can fill it with whatever wealth he chooses. At the moment he of his death it will be brought to heaven with him.”
The angel goes down and gives the message .The guy is happy but what should he bring? Our money would mean nothing to people from another time,jediels could be faked,stocks and bonds could not be traded so they'd be so much paper. Finally it dawn's on him . Gold. Gold has been valued throughout history.
He sends out for the biggest suitcase he can find,fills it with gold bars,and sets it beside his bed. Now he can die in peace,and he does.
True to the promise he arrives at the Pearly Gates,suitcase in hand. St.Peter greets him warmly and says “All right. Let's see what was so important to you that eternal life and bliss wasn't enough"
The man proudly opens the suitcase,stuffed with row after row of little gold bars.
St.Peter stares at it,puzzled, and says “You brought pavement?”The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2023-09-05 at 7:34 PM UTCMorris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year when Esther and Morris went to the fair Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. This might be my last chance to ride that helicopter." Esther replied, "That helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and $50 is $50".
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! If you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres and daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!" -
2023-09-05 at 7:44 PM UTCThree mothers of teen-aged children were sitting down to coffee one morning. The first mother said she was cleaning her 16-year-old daughter’s room when she found a pack of cigarettes. “I never knew she smoked,” she stated. “I know what you mean,” the second mother interjected. “I was cleaning my son’s room when I found empty beer cans. I never knew he was drinking.” The third mother stepped in with: “I was cleaning my 17-year-old daughter’s room and found a condom wrapper. And I never knew she had a penis.”
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2023-09-05 at 7:46 PM UTCA giant of a man walked in to a pub. His eyes were deep in his skull as he looked around the place. He stomped to the bar, floorboards begging for mercy on every step.
With a index finger the size of someone else's forearm, he gestured the bartender to lean closer. His voice sounded like gravel being poured in to a widowers grave.
“Gimme a beer“, he said. “But don't even think about asking for money. We don't want things to go down like they did in the last place.”
The bartender felt a chill in his bones and quickly poured a beer, too frightened to ask anything.
The giant took the beer, sat at a table alone, and started drinking. Soon the glass was empty and the inevitable slow march towards the bar followed.
“Gimme a beer, but don't even think about asking for money. We don't want things to go down like they did in the last place.” The terrified bartender with shaking hands and snow white face again poured the beer without a word.
The same went on the whole evening. The big guy would come to the bar, give his little speech and drink his beer quietly. The bartender started to relax a bit and got curious. So he decided to risk a question.
“Gimme a beer”, the giant started, but the bartender had the beer ready before he could finish.
“Here you go sir”, the bartender said. “No bill for you, as usual, but I wonder if you wouldn't mind satisfying my curiosity. How exactly did things go down in the last place?”
The big man looked around and paused for a minute to think. Then he again gestured the bartender to lean closer. His voice was so low that it made the glasses vibrate and the Grim Reaper jealous.
“In the last place?” The big man said. “In the last bar I went to I had to pay for my beer.” -
2023-09-05 at 7:47 PM UTCYou got any I might read?
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2023-09-05 at 8:40 PM UTCTwo gentlemen are walking along the pavement to their club.
Two attractive ladies appear in the distance, walking the opposite direction.
As they get closer, the gentlemen and ladies give each other appreciative, appraising glances.
As they pass, no words are exchanged, but the nice ladies smile, and the gents tip their hats. Both ladies and gents continue in the direction they were headed.
After a few moments, with the ladies well out of ear-shot, one gent says to the other: “What the bloody Hell?! I could swear we just passed my wife and my mistress!”
And the other responds, “Jove! I was thinking the same thing!” -
2023-09-05 at 8:40 PM UTCA guy picks up a hitchhiker along a dark lonely road.
The hitchhiker say “Thanks, man. It's hard to get anyone to stop for me. Everyone worries that I'm some serial killer…LOL.”
The driver replies, “I hear ya…but I figure what's the odds of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time?” -
2023-09-05 at 9:33 PM UTC
Originally posted by Donald Trump A guy picks up a hitchhiker along a dark lonely road.
The hitchhiker say “Thanks, man. It's hard to get anyone to stop for me. Everyone worries that I'm some serial killer…LOL.”
The driver replies, “I hear ya…but I figure what's the odds of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time?”
You sure that wasn't a script for Hitchhiker?
