Originally posted by Bradley
I love knowing people my own age cuz they reference obscure television shows from the late 90s/early 2000s and moreso reference specific episodes, like I don't even need to watch the clip to know EXACTLY what you're talking about with the bubblegum lumpy shrine that when shown inthe closet kinda slumps over with candles on both sides and framed photos lol
when I d o it you called me a pedop hile :""(
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Originally posted by Ghost
when I d o it you called me a pedop hile :""(
i'm sorry i think it depends on if i'm drinking, I have pretty much two personalities. I can be on anything other than alcohol or sober and I'm a kind, warmhearted, pretty good person who genuinely tries to smile and see the good around me and then there's me when I'm drinking which is definitely the darkside of BradleyB.
Every now and then I get really bad thoughts, be they mean, negative, violent, or destructive, when I'm sober, I just let that shit slide off me like water down a duck's back, like the buddhists say about in meditation if you have an intrusive thought, feel it, aknowledge it, and then let go of it. That works for me, I can look past like a lot and understand people are people, be accepting of things beyond my control, go with the flow, and feel somewhat in harmony with my surroundings even if it's not what I would want if I could have everything my way.
When I'm drinking, I fixate on these thoughts and expand on them and sometimes they eat at me especially if like I "need" to get even with someone/something, and it just feeds on itself, and next thing you know I feel like I have a bouncy ball of energy going through my mind and the spring inside myself just keeps winding and winding and then as I go through life between my spine feeling like a tautly compressed spring of coiled snakes & the bouncy ball of thoughts something will happen and I will be in a position to:
1) Fly off the handle 2) Plot and scheme and really fuck them over 3) Drink more and be hateful.
But eventually instead of drinking more I'mma freak the fuck out and get violent or i'mma come up with some grandoise scheme to come up and feel better about the whole situation.
Pretty fucked, so I try not to let myself get there. It's easier in sobriety but anger is a driving force to me drinking so I try not to let myself get perturbed by much of anything and whatever does irk and annoy me I *tokezzzz* till I feel apathy towards what I can't change and who i can't change (which is typically what aggravates me the most)
and sometimes when one thing is bothering me and I"m drinking, I take it out on people not at all involved in the initial issue & carry this negative idk what you'd call it mood, vibration, feeling negative forward and then it spills into me saying really cruel things when i'm moderatly annoyed or giving up on things when i run into a small issue or hiccup and developing an all or nothing attitude.
When I'm sober I compartmentalize as I've learned through age to do so that if I have a problem with my living situation it doesn't affect me outside of when i'm home so i can concentrate on school, or a problem with a girlfriend or my mom doesn't affect my ability with the other because i'm in a bad mood of sorts.
but in 30 days to 3 1/2 years, I will likely forget all of this, forget about pissing myself, forget about losing my mind, my freedom, all my belongings, my future, so much, and be like hmm I think it's time for a nice cold steel reserve.
LOL, but I can only do one day at a time. Yesterday I turned down two different offers to drink in wildly different positions (a luncheon at the college and a homeless guy witha bottle of fireball in black neighborhood), today I really thought about drinking partially because this woe is me attitude i try to develop for anything (the girl from yesterday not texting me back this morning & my friend being dead were gonna be my two go to excuses for my drinking today) and I just told myself no, got more stoned, and studied for my make up midterm exam tomorrow.
I hope I can go so long without drinking I no longer think about it as a possibility like when I was 3 years sober in 2019 and alcohol was a thing I didn't even think about outside of religious rites.
Originally posted by Bradley
i'm sorry i think it depends on if i'm drinking, I have pretty much two personalities. I can be on anything other than alcohol or sober and I'm a kind, warmhearted, pretty good person who genuinely tries to smile and see the good around me and then there's me when I'm drinking which is definitely the darkside of BradleyB.
Is that when you keep barging into that kids room past midnight to keep "Checking" on them
no, i check on my friends kids when im baby sitting every two hours. After two hours if i haven't seen them i just start kinda getting nervous that something happened to one of them and that i'mma get blamed and it'll all be my fault and then i get my lazy ass up and i go knock real loud and i guess sometimes when you're really feeling yourself with noise canceling headphones on, knocking isn't gonna do anything and then there's your dad's friend brad asking if ur good and want to play super smash bros or chess or walk to the grocery store and get candy
ya im such a piece of shit cuz i make sure my friends children are okay every two hours when im baby sitting them for 13 hours the 3 days a week he works on airplanes doing 12 hour shifts.
Sometimes I do fall asleep while im baby sitting but i sit on a yoga mat in the living room so if they need me for anything I'm right there and they're not alone for 10+ hours
plus unlike you and other child molesters when i see a 12 year old boy beating off I don't think *something sexual involving children*
I think "hehehehe that's kinda funny" and making a poking comment at them a lil bit so they know it's not ok to just be tuggin on it 24/7 with headphones in, plus it's fuckin funny to me and if you don't see the humor in it or think something like this MUST be sexual, you're the one with the issue pal.
