2016-09-26 at 6:36 AM UTC
I feel like throwing up everytime my phone rings. I get overwhelmed with fear when I see or hear a text message on my phone at first. I can't even call the people l need to call.
I had two friends my age here with similar shit. One has gone MIA since I dropped him off at home a few states away. The other has been working a new job and doesn't have the time to hang out anymore. I find it really hard to function alone but all my actions tend to keep me isolated..
For the better part of my life I've been suicidal. Not reallywanting to die just not to feel how I do inside, not to have this pain, not for life to be as it is. Change is hopeless. If §m£ÂgØL taught me one thing, I guess that would be it. Toxic cannot escape toxic. Trying is futile. I've tried a lot. It always returns me to the same hopeless hell.
I want to scream HELP at the top of my lungs, but I know nobody cares, nobody can help even if they did, and even if there was one soul on this earth who could help me- I don't deserve their help, I never will be worthy of any love or affection. I am worthless and have nothing of value to return to those I love. I used to believe if someone just helped me like I need that things could get better. I've had some help in life, but its always been a double edged sword. Always one thing has been missing. I'm just fucked in the head.
I don't know wtf I'm trying to convey here. Chew me up and spit me out. Add more fuel to the fire that already burns in my head. None of it really matters. I made my bed. I'm lying in it and can't find good enough reason to get out. I don't want to die but I'm going to and the only happiness that gives me is that one day soon the pain will stop, just not the way I'd prefer it to be. I want to live just not like this, not as I've let myself become.
I'm really scared. Terribly and uncontrollably frightened of it all. If I think about it too long or hard I cry and can't stop. I've had only one person who's ever made a difference to this shit, but they couldn't see it and its gone now so it doesnt matter either. I'm a lost, lonely and frightened person.
2016-09-26 at 6:47 AM UTC
aldra
JIDF Controlled Opposition
do you have family you can stay with for a while?
2016-09-26 at 6:52 AM UTC
Tomorrow, take a moment to do something just for yourself.
2016-09-26 at 6:52 AM UTC
I know this feel m8. Just wait it out. Indifference will come to you once you realize that no one CAN help you. It just gets better from there. :(
2016-09-26 at 7:06 AM UTC
aldra
JIDF Controlled Opposition
pretty sure she's in a much more difficult situation than you - my original impulse was to shitpost but I decided against it
2016-09-26 at 7:29 AM UTC
If you are refering to me I am not joking. I relate to 100% of this post but feel as though I have gone past the fear level. And perhaps that is why it is a much more difficult situation for her. But all I am doing is saying I relate and have realized that you cant scream for help. From anyone.
Maybe its different for her. Family can help in a lot of situations. Maybe someone will come when she screams. I am just saying they never have for me and I accept it.
2016-09-26 at 8:27 AM UTC
If you need someone to talk to you have my email. Don't do anything drastic, for the sake of your child. I know it's little consolation but if you want to vent a little don't hesitate to shoot me a message. I will do what i can.
2016-09-26 at 8:34 AM UTC
I have no family. No real family at any rate. Not to say too much, but my 'family' is responsible for the icing on this shit cake I call life. I am trapped because of heir selfish actions. There is a lot in my life that is fucked and not their fault too, but they just made this situation unbearable. Anyone I've loved and considered family does not reciprocate. The veteran I live with, he's a good guy, he means well, but he can't help me, not how I need. Its ashame we haven't nor probably wont get the opportunity to drop acid together. Humans are flawed because we dont have an off switch. I expected shitposting, tbh. Ya'll surprise me sometimes. I still don't know what to do. My insides feel like a paint shaker. I try to distract but it doesn't work. I've tried to write but I can't for my shaky hands (I prefer to out pen to paper than type and plus it was a letter to my friend who went MIA- I was gathering info about truck driving schools and shit since he mentioned he'd wanted to do that but didn't know where to start to get his CDL- I try to be helpful when I can. I can't do much else right.) I foresee shit hitting the fan very soon. I am destined to fuck up. I am destined to fail. You think when you're young that nope, never gonna happen to me, but when you're the fucked up, unlucky person like me, you just look back and can't believe how it happened. Its been said and said over and over and of feels like a broken record but life is a cruel world and I want off this merry-go-round- I feel like a broken record. Everyone I've ever cared about says that I am, nothing I try to impart to them is different from the last. Ive always felt that somewhere.. But not all. I don't know if I am delusional or them.. Likely both. I'm considering setting myself on fire just to distract from this shit. I had to go run an errand I should have done hours and hours ago and 3 times had to snap myself out of attempting to cause a fatal accident. What did it was reminding myself with my luck I'd live, it isn't my car so that'd suck for the owner, and that I do have some responsibilities left on this earth before I go wrapping myself around any telephone poles or trees. That is my mental state at nearly all hours of the day. Reasoning with myself.
2016-09-26 at 8:43 AM UTC
I have a decision to make but if I go through with it it will destroy the tiny percentage of a chance there is my life could getbbetter and I'll be happy. I don't really believe it'll happen anyway which makes it a consideration to go through with it, but in doing so, there goes my fantasy of betterment. God why does all this shit have to be so painful. I can't even maintain a far fetched fantasy with the way life is pulling me. I'm going to burn either way.
2016-09-26 at 10:09 AM UTC
My son has been the responsibility I speak of that is part of the on going reasoning in my head. I believe he is going to grow up motherless anyway, despite anything I do or don't do. My health is poor. I've lost 40-50lbs in 2 months. Im fat and always have been, but I've alway been a very strong fatass. When §m£ÂgØL met me I weighed and usually was about 250 my whole adult life and he could vouche that for as large as I was/am, I never ate excessively even when I was pregnant I was pawning off my plate and guiltimg him into finishing it because I couldnt. The only time I ever lost a significant amount of weight was when I was doing the trailriding gig and farrier work but I could never break under 200 despite me eating next to nothing but painkillers, but I was solid muscle at that time, far stronger than I am now. Last I weighed I was 170. I was 210 in Florida. I seizured a handful of times since being here. I pass out and have dizzy spells everyday. My chest pain has just become normal. Eating is hard. I feel out of it a lot. I've taken up drinking for a bit just because eh.. Wtf. Though I've toned it down a bit. If I were to be diagnosed with cancer I wouldn't be surprised. When talking with §m£ÂgØL, and explaining some of this shit to him I sent him a pic of me to show how much Ive been wasting. He said I looked terrible- I know that. I feel terrible too. I have an aortic anyerisum and I've completely stopped taking my propranolol (ran out and it stopped helping much with the chest pain)... Everything is complicated and fucked up. I haven't offed myself solely because my son needs me badly now and there are things I need to do to prepare him so he has a good life when I am gone. Ibwas being selfish and I tried killing myself when I first arrived before shit got so bad but I'm a failure. I really thought almost 2grams of propranolol, several somas and other shit mixed would do it but I just woke up with one hell of a hangover feeling and chest pain. No ER involved thankfully. I think I had another heart attack shortly after that too, but so muchbshit happened I never got taken to the ER because of assholes and their bullshit. I've had pneumonia 4 times this year. I just see my health deteriorating further. I don't know why I give a fuck about maintaining 'hope'... If only y'all knew the half of this shit...
2016-09-26 at 10:15 AM UTC
§m£ÂgØL hates me so much, a little while back I gave him everything he needed to shoot me down in flames. So much ammo... So many critical strike bullets. Half of me hoped he would do it, just pull that trigger. I surrender everything I am to who I love. Its just a matter of all I am not being worth a damn. The same fear that makes him hate me is the same fear that kept him from pulling the trigger.
2016-09-26 at 10:17 AM UTC
Today is the day that there will be a turning point. Ibdont even know ifI can manage to do it. I've spent so much trying to distract from today. God I'm scared.
2016-09-26 at 12:42 PM UTC
kroz
weak whyte, frothy cuck, and former twink
looks like that road trip never happened... or has it? Yeah §m£ÂgØL thinks you're kind of a phony, to bad you can't stay with him and his parents. I'm sure they'd love to see their grandchild.
And by the way you should never guilt someone to eat unless they are underweight. is your child even in your custody?
2016-09-26 at 10:50 PM UTC
Yeah the not doing drugs part would help. I tried to off myself almost four years ago. No a fun experience. IDK what to tell you, cause you're gonna hear what you wanna hear. You've got to get you shit together for you, drugs whatever is making you fucked up, change behaviors. Or don't Keep living an ever growing chasm of hell until you REALLY know what suffering towards you and anyone you care about.
2016-09-26 at 11:35 PM UTC
What's wrong with your ex- husband that you don't want him to have your son. If your in such bad shape
