Living in Lebanon - My story

1. 2021-08-18 at 12:53 PM UTC

   #1
   

   the man who put it in my hood Black Hole
   This isn't my story but it's this guys story. He gets lots of views from youtube but can't even put the money in a bank in his own country, messed up chit
   
   https://pastebin.com/X7kpSrQG
   
   
   
   

   ….
   
   First I'll split this into 2 sections, first is objective and 2nd Is subjective.
   
   I know you have a lot of questions that you might ask and I am here to answer them.
   
   This post isn't supposed to make you feel bad for living in a place that's better than me. No matter how small your problems are they are still completely valid and important.
   
   First : What is this all about?
   This is about me living in a country called Lebanon where I have 0 human rights, and saying that is not an exaggeration, let me explain why.
   
   Electricity : Me and other lebanese have been living with only 2-8 hours of electricity a day, 12 if were lucky, and this electricity is not by the government but its provided by a bunch of people in each town who collectively pay for a big generator and pay for its fuel, but now since theres no more fuel this isn't possible anymore.
   Some places also have 0 electricity, which my area is going to reach sooner or later.
   
   
   Food : All the food is pretty much rotten and poisonous. Due to electricity being non existing anymore for the past 3 to 4 months all the food in supermarkets and storages are spoiled and not suitable for consumption, yet they are still sold because they are literally the only thing that exists. I've gotten food poisoned many times and so has my family. Eating is a huge risk.
   
   Fuel : There is no more fuel anywhere due to some complicated reasons that boils down to the economy being shit. I can't use my car to go anywhere and I cant use fuel to use my own power generator and it's been like that for months.
   
   Medication: there are no more medicines inside pharmacies. I once had to go to 12 different pharmacies to find a medicine for myself. My cousins children who are 8 7 and 2 years old were sick, vomiting and have a fever and they still do. And there still isn't medicine for them. Not in pharmacies nor hospitals.
   
   Security : I thankfully live in a town where it's relatively safe, but trying to go down to the city gets more and more dangerous each time as literally anything at anytime could happen to you.
   
   """Why dont you move??!?!??!?!?!?!""" : the amount of times I've gotten this question oh boi.
   Moving out is not easy at fucking all. I've looked plenty into it and lots of countries despises immigrants. ESPECIALLY Lebanese immigrants as my country is apparently in lots of dept to them. In order to move to a respectable country I'd need a good amount of money with me which I am very far from possessing. Or I would need a degree which I would work towards IF COLLEGES WERE A FUNCTIONAL THING IN MY COUNTRY.
   My big sister should've gotten her masters 2 degree in nuclear/analytical chemistry 5 months ago. The reason its delayed is because her university is NOT willing to spend 450$ for a GAS TANK that is ESSENTIAL for the students to finish their FINAL FUCKING TEST because they apparently dont fucking have 450$.
   ALL the universities here have gone into complete shit, and most of them dont have the major I want which is psychology.
   
   Quality of life : The quality of life in terms of literally everything is going nowhere but down, people in HUNDREDS have died and no1 gave a shit. People here are treated like dogs. Hell, not even dogs. Dogs in countries in Europe or US or canada get treated better than humans here.
   
   This is the part that I talk about my own problems that existed before and after this huge crisis.
   This part is going to be a massive rant and will contain sensitive topics, so if ur not feeling like it then please do not read it.
   
   My own personal mental state :
   Shit. Garbage. Its awful in lots of possible ways.
   I've been diagnosed with BPD a while back when I lived in the city (2018-2019) and since then I started realizing why I get these insanely harsh mood swings ever since I was young. At the time I had to see a therapist by secret as my dad always believed mental health is a lie people use to stay unproductive. (I worked from 9am to 8pm for a WHOLE FUCKING SUMMER so I can save up enough money to go to a fucking therapist.)
   I had enough for a few sessions but not enough for meds so I was able to take non of my bpd meds (also couldn't risk having my family find the meds or so) so I rolled with it hoping it gets better but it only went downhill from there.
   
   The reason my bpd is always so harsh, is because of multiple past traumas, I've seen dead bodies in front of me before multiple times, I've seen people burning in front of me before.
   I had to go down to where the port explosion happend in beirut and seeing everything there like that was also a bad experience.
   Those were recent traumas tho
   I've had traumas that existed ever since I was a kid.
   Living in fear ever since I was a kid, for example in 2006 when Israel decided "hey let's bomb lebanon and go into war with them" I could see my parents and everyone around me worried every day, about staying physically safe and also about staying economically safe as the war with Israel back then didnt bring us but awful lives and way less money and lots of instability.
   I remember terrorism groups forming next to my house and hearing gunshots really close to our house sometimes.
   
   Parents traumas.
   I remember as a kid, around 2008 to 2014 or 2015, listening to my parents argue and fight nearly every single night and it would wake me up most of the times and I'm just left there staring at my plushie bunny with pink ears and I even remember talking to him sometimes asking him why are they fighting, and I would imagine him answering me with stuff like "its because you did bad in school" or "i dont think they want you".
   This was clearly me having lots of self hatred since an early age and that's because my parents always made sure to tell me how much they hate the actions I do and showed no interest in anything I do unless it was something related to school. I was also physically beaten by my dad and mom more times that I can count, for countless reasons some were very silly. I remember once i laughed too loud at a clash of clans video and my mom was annoyed at me and told me to "shut your fucking mouth" and I said "I didnt do anything wrong" and she said "you dont tell me how to parent you" and she slapped me. Great stuff really. Haha I also remember this one time I was late for home, I came back 10pm instead of the 9pm time limit I have, so when I opened the door and stepped home, I closed the door and found my dad behind the door with a belt, and u know how it went from there heh……
   Overall my parents were 1/10 at being good parents. But they have done the bare minimum of keeping me alive physically by providing food, and shelter and even then they still always told me "You are lucky we still give you food and school" and other shit, I also remember once my dad telling me that the day he gets rid of me on the side of a road will be the best day of his life. He told me that when we were on the beach and he was sitting down staring at the sea and I was next to him playing with sand. I still to this day do not know why he's said that at that time but oh well..
   
   My parents are now separated thankfully, not divorced because Christian churches here are one massive scam and suck ass. Wont go into detail on why.
   My dad gave up on trying to ***Fix*** me his way and just let me do whatever at the age of 17. So I stopped focusing on school and I focused on youtube instead and now I'm the one making money and he isn't, and I'm the one paying for everything. I have told him how much of a horrible parent he was once and he seems to regret all his decisions hes taken towards me and blames it on my mom being very negative and insufferable and I dont blame him, she was and still is somehow worse than him in so many ways.
   My dad is now an amazing person and I love him lots, as he realized his mistakes hes done towards me and my big sister as kids and tries to make up for it in every possible way. Hes doing more than his best to keep us safe and to keep everything put together. I forgive him for everything and I love him.
   
   
   Pets trauma : I've had lots of pets as a kid. And l have seen nearly every single one of my pets dead. This one makes me cry even thinking about it.
   My first cat got poisoned by our asshole neighbor's who hated cats.
   My second cat was ran over by a car and I'm the one who found her.
   My third cat one day went out of the houses door and never came back.
   My fourth cat which was my only friend at the time, shat on the floor 2 times in a week so my dad thought hes bad and got rid of him. I went with him in the car that day to help him get rid of him and he made me feel guilty for crying after we dumped the cat in the middle of nowhere.
   My fifth cats were 2 twin kittens that my dad also got rid of because they got sick and he didnt want to pay for a vet so he put them in a trash bag and threw them in the woods. I didnt go with him that day and decided to sleep that whole week off.
   
   Moving traumas
   lol I've moved houses and schools 8 times in my life. Each time I lose a bunch of friends. I ended up giving up on making new friends as I knew it's pointless since saying goodbye to them when I eventually move again is gona hurt a lot.
   
   Violence/nightmare trauma.
   I have seen my dad beat my mom up as a child repetitively multiple times in various ways. One day, I was physically capable of stoping him doing something really bad to her but I didnt, (I will not go into details) due to all my pent up anger towards her. That was the day they stopped living together. And that day that scene still haunts me till today and pays me a visit thru nightmares that kick me out of sleep sometimes and leave me paralyzed until someone enters my room.
   
   
   All of those past traumas made me develop BPD alongside a quirky FUN mixture of harsh depression and lots of anxiety about nearly everything, and lots and I mean L O T S of scary scary anger issues.
   They also contributed to me being the very dead-inside monotone person I am today. They sort of erased my emotions and made it impossible for me to cry or feel certain things again. Like I cant get excited over anything anymore. Everything is "meh ok" and things just happen. I lie to myself about being excited about stuff to hopefully feel something. I also lose interest in things insanely quickly and cant get myself to enjoy something for long.
   
   
   At certain points in my life, I've had it really bad and I was at a horrible low point. I've attempted to suicide twice so far. Both were using my dads hunting shotgun. At one point I got really close to doing it, I had a shell loaded and the gun cooked and my fingers on the trigger whilst its pointed to the side of my head, I was outside on a very beautiful night in one of my favourite spots. I still dont know why I didnt do it. This was about 3 months before i started youtube with tyler.
   I've also did my fair share of self harm, I started doing it as a kid. I remember when I was in 3rd grade I'd bash my head into the wall, and in 5th-7th grade I'd choke myself whilst asleep hoping I stop breathing or something. Then from grades 8 to 12, I'd cut a lot, mostly thighs because I didnt want to risk anyone seeing my wrists. I did wrists in winter and thighs in summer. Was pretty strategic with it ngl.
   Cutting felt like my only way to satisfy my pent up anger And my self hatred.
   
   Ever since I started YT and ever since I started talking to more people online my life has gotten significantly better economically and mentally. And I started believing that one day maybe I can move out or maybe I can be happy once again, and I was happy for a decent amount of time, when Tyler convinced me to stop cutting and helped me focus on making yt vids and helped me keep my mind focused on being happy and convinced that things do get better and they did!
   He showed me ways to stop my intrusive suicidal thoughts by chatting with people or playing a video game or watching a movie or anything, just distracting myself from it always worked well.
   He really convinced me that it's very possible to find happiness in little things and that not everything has to be awful and dark and sad.
   Everything was actually looking good and I was starting to become happier…
   Him alongside 2 other friends I met online were one of my reasons to keep going.
   
   
   Up until today. I woke up with no electricity and I got news that electricity will now start being cut 14 hours a day, 12 if lucky.
   I also got told that things are looking to be only going downhill and that they will get worse to the point where we might have 0 to 2 hours of electricity a day. And heard that my ISP might stop providing me with internet due to prices and inflation and no customers. I suddenly realized that me producing videos might become impossible like this, and I realized that I will have to spend more than half of the day Alone with my own thoughts without anything like the internet or my pc or a phone to distract me from my intrusive thoughts, and In only 5 minutes I lost all my progress that I've made this whole year mentally. I became extremely suicidal again and felt so mad at that exact moment that I started punching myself in front of my family and broke down.
   I started thinking to myself "How am I supposed to make entertaining shit for people if I'm dead inside" and "How am I gona have energy to edit videos after I've been alone for 14 hours with my own self destructive thoughts".
   
   Oh well.
   The reason I wrote all of this is to, for once in my life, vent properly and fully. I do not know what to do, I have no idea, but my only plan currently is well obviously suicide as I think I dont have enough sanity to keep going like this, and I'm just waiting for the day I'm at an all time low to do it. I'm just done having to go thru this amount of madness every day and I'm tired of dying every day multiple times physically and mentally.
   
   I dont think I can keep dragging myself thru this endless pile of rusty nails much longer.
   It's like being in a tunnel where it only gets darker the further u go in, and there seems to be no light at the end that u can see.
   
   If I didnt end up suiciding then I'd probably just… I dont fucming know I have not a single clue what I would do. I cannot move out its not easy at all and I cannot do anything I'm just at a complete loss.
   I wish I could keep telling myself that things will get better but they clearly wont and they're only going downhill and I dont think I am strong enough to take this anymore, I may be weak and I may be a massive coward and I might end up doing it because I simply cannot bear it anymore.
   
   
   Thank you for the 2 people who read this far. Or I dont know if anyone even got this far, eitherway, this is where I'm going to end this vent and no this isn't a suicide letter.
   I'll just, try to figure out logically what I can do in my situation. As I always do… and I hope I find a solution that dosent Involve me being at the bottom of a valley.
   
   But honestly, I dont want my story to end like that. I hope I can continue writing it somewhere else where I'm a happy person living a normal fucking life. But I dont know if that's ever gona happen… but again, I just have to slap myself like I always do and tell myself to keep my shit together like I always do… I just, fear for the day that method stops working…
   
   Its so hard trying to stay positive whilst the whole place around u is burning, literally.
   Everyone around me is slowly becoming hopeless and depressed. I'm surrounded by sadness and worry and hopelessness. And I do not blame them.
   
   I hope I can keep my composure long enough to see the light at the end of this miserable endless dark tunnel.

2. 2021-08-18 at 12:57 PM UTC

   #2
   

   aldra JIDF Controlled Opposition
   I thought it'd be interesting but I had to stop when it all became about being upset that his parents were always fighting
3. 2021-08-18 at 1:08 PM UTC

   #3
   

   the man who put it in my hood Black Hole
   That's life in lebanon man the power goes out and you have to spend the entire night listening to your parents argue in arabic instead of chilling on discord with your friends
   The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!

   • aldra
4. 2021-08-18 at 1:23 PM UTC

   #4
   

   aldra JIDF Controlled Opposition
   do you remember that one I reposted from a guy in Yugoslavia? I thought that was a lot more interesting because it talked about what he had to do to survive rather than his own personal problems
5. 2021-08-18 at 1:26 PM UTC

   #5
   

   the man who put it in my hood Black Hole
   They should tear down the supermarkets and build gardens instead
6. 2021-08-18 at 1:31 PM UTC

   #6
   

   aldra JIDF Controlled Opposition
   being diagnosed bipolar and wanting to be a psychiatrist is kind of funny
7. 2021-08-18 at 1:36 PM UTC

   #7
   

   the man who put it in my hood Black Hole
   Just fake it till you make it!
   
   
8. 2021-08-18 at 2:06 PM UTC

   #8
   

   vindicktive vinny Black Hole
   ive watched a total of 8 hours compilation of lebanon blast.
   
   im now desensitized to any explosion that is below 1 megaton.