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ATTN: malice
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2015-12-18 at 2:54 AM UTCI read your post, the really big one in trt where you start off by saying how you do not know how to explain your psyche to a psychiatrist.
I wouls reply there but this phone would not let me.
At the end you called everthing you said meaningless, i disagree, i have no reason to believe those weren't your honest thoughts and i found they gave me a brief insight into your mind. Here is an observation i have for you; The problem with being smart is that you can reason yourself into any particular mindstate you choose, positive or negative.
Consider a cage of thoughts each bar constructed of inescapable logic finely tuned to your natural thought process and emotional state. To escape it seems insurmountable the logic is flawless right?
In the end though, nothing is flawless, such is the nature of the universe and that is an encouraging thought.
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2015-12-18 at 3:17 AM UTCOne bar at a time.
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2015-12-18 at 3:28 AM UTCFuck you em queue
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2015-12-18 at 4:06 AM UTCThank you for giving some thought to my life.
I agree, as I said in the post, I've come to the point where I know where everything went wrong, but I'm still here, the damage has been done, I've still trapped in a biological vessel with natural responses, physical limitations, and in an absolutely nightmarish state, the worst to try work my way out of this from. My writing can give an inaccurate impression, I've literally crippled myself. You should picture someone who's half-way to being bedridden. I was really displaying every symptom of severe depression and social isolation to an extreme degree, propped up by drugs and other interventions, a perfected exercise and diet regimen, until I fell apart and even that wasn't enough. I just had the worst predispositions/traits/behaviors/habits, mentality, the environment I was in, and lifestyle. Overwhelming guilt and regret once I finally realized my mistakes, what went wrong, how I would never get those years of my life back.
Appointment with psychiatrist in 6 days. Unfortunately I genuinely seem to have seasonal affective disorder, which I've noticed has regularly before, in retrospect, which is in full swing now and just made things worse. I think the same thing happened last year around this time, which led me to being fearful enough to finally start my intrarectal parnate + NSI-189 plan, which was enough to keep me going. Not an exaggeration of melodrama, imagine getting to the point where you're so depressed it's permeated every aspect of your being, you can't function, it's gone beyond numbness and anhedonia where it genuinely feels painful to be alive, you're ruminating on thoughts of suicide every hour, depressive repeating thoughts about a wide variety of philosophical/existential concepts, mostly centered around death, negative aspects of life, where you at times you consider calling 911 or walking into an emergency ward, a crisis center, and asking to be admitted because you're afraid of leaving yourself alone and want something to change.
If they recommend I be hospitalized, I may agree just to break up the monotony in my life, so I won't have to be alone, and may derive some benefits from it, despite the flaws; or some other program for people in my situation, if they have it. I think I had just given up on life and was living like I was waiting to die since this year began, but just accepted once and for all that I couldn't keep living like this, I needed to ask for help or I was going to die. I accepted that nothing was going to change until I accepted the need for people in my life, begin to work through the immense internal resistance that had built up over a decade, and deal primarily with my extreme depression and anxiety via the most effective treatments available, begin some sort of rehabilitation program if possible. -
2015-12-18 at 4:10 AM UTCmaybe you should try taking nootropics/supplements for your depression^^
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2015-12-18 at 4:18 AM UTC
Thank you for giving some thought to my life.
I agree, as I said in the post, I've come to the point where I know where everything went wrong, but I'm still here, the damage has been done, I've still trapped in a biological vessel with natural responses, physical limitations, and in an absolutely nightmarish state, the worst to try work my way out of this from. My writing can give an inaccurate impression, I've literally crippled myself. You should picture someone who's half-way to being bedridden. I was really displaying every symptom of severe depression and social isolation to an extreme degree, propped up by drugs and other interventions, a perfected exercise and diet regimen, until I fell apart and even that wasn't enough. I just had the worst predispositions/traits/behaviors/habits, mentality, the environment I was in, and lifestyle. Overwhelming guilt and regret once I finally realized my mistakes, what went wrong, how I would never get those years of my life back.
Appointment with psychiatrist in 6 days. Unfortunately I genuinely seem to have seasonal affective disorder, which I've noticed has regularly before, in retrospect, which is in full swing now and just made things worse. I think the same thing happened last year around this time, which led me to being fearful enough to finally start my intrarectal parnate + NSI-189 plan, which was enough to keep me going. Not an exaggeration of melodrama, imagine getting to the point where you're so depressed it's permeated every aspect of your being, you can't function, it's gone beyond numbness and anhedonia where it genuinely feels painful to be alive, you're ruminating on thoughts of suicide every hour, depressive repeating thoughts about a wide variety of philosophical/existential concepts, mostly centered around death, negative aspects of life, where you at times you consider calling 911 or walking into an emergency ward, a crisis center, and asking to be admitted because you're afraid of leaving yourself alone and want something to change.
If they recommend I be hospitalized, I may agree just to break up the monotony in my life, so I won't have to be alone, and may derive some benefits from it, despite the flaws; or some other program for people in my situation, if they have it. I think I had just given up on life and was living like I was waiting to die since this year began, but just accepted once and for all that I couldn't keep living like this, I needed to ask for help or I was going to die. I accepted that nothing was going to change until I accepted the need for people in my life, begin to work through the immense internal resistance that had built up over a decade, and deal primarily with my extreme depression and anxiety via the most effective treatments available, begin some sort of rehabilitation program if possible.
Bro you're on like 70 different antidepressants, unless you got out of that "take every noot" phase. I bet you'll go through withdrawals while hospitalized which would be fun. -
2015-12-18 at 4:41 AM UTC
Thank you for giving some thought to my life.
I agree, as I said in the post, I've come to the point where I know where everything went wrong, but I'm still here, the damage has been done, I've still trapped in a biological vessel with natural responses, physical limitations, and in an absolutely nightmarish state, the worst to try work my way out of this from. My writing can give an inaccurate impression, I've literally crippled myself. You should picture someone who's half-way to being bedridden. I was really displaying every symptom of severe depression and social isolation to an extreme degree, propped up by drugs and other interventions, a perfected exercise and diet regimen, until I fell apart and even that wasn't enough. I just had the worst predispositions/traits/behaviors/habits, mentality, the environment I was in, and lifestyle. Overwhelming guilt and regret once I finally realized my mistakes, what went wrong, how I would never get those years of my life back.
Appointment with psychiatrist in 6 days. Unfortunately I genuinely seem to have seasonal affective disorder, which I've noticed has regularly before, in retrospect, which is in full swing now and just made things worse. I think the same thing happened last year around this time, which led me to being fearful enough to finally start my intrarectal parnate + NSI-189 plan, which was enough to keep me going. Not an exaggeration of melodrama, imagine getting to the point where you're so depressed it's permeated every aspect of your being, you can't function, it's gone beyond numbness and anhedonia where it genuinely feels painful to be alive, you're ruminating on thoughts of suicide every hour, depressive repeating thoughts about a wide variety of philosophical/existential concepts, mostly centered around death, negative aspects of life, where you at times you consider calling 911 or walking into an emergency ward, a crisis center, and asking to be admitted because you're afraid of leaving yourself alone and want something to change.
If they recommend I be hospitalized, I may agree just to break up the monotony in my life, so I won't have to be alone, and may derive some benefits from it, despite the flaws; or some other program for people in my situation, if they have it. I think I had just given up on life and was living like I was waiting to die since this year began, but just accepted once and for all that I couldn't keep living like this, I needed to ask for help or I was going to die. I accepted that nothing was going to change until I accepted the need for people in my life, begin to work through the immense internal resistance that had built up over a decade, and deal primarily with my extreme depression and anxiety via the most effective treatments available, begin some sort of rehabilitation program if possible.
As i was implying in the OP there is always hope and this too shall pass. -
2015-12-18 at 5:06 AM UTCdepression is 10/10 fun, would have again.
