what is wrong with me

2020-10-29 at 2:53 PM UTC

#61

The Self Taught Man Black Hole

Originally posted by Jiggaboo_Johnson There is no good or bad.

I am a good president but i left something bad for the marines to deal with in the toilet in air force one last night thats the duality of man

2020-10-29 at 2:57 PM UTC

#62

Sudo Black Hole [my hereto riemannian peach]

Originally posted by aldra Mr. Rogers?

I don't mean to be totally dismissive, but I do not believe people to be fundamentally good and I do know that the news plays up the negative. It doesn't change the fact that even the 'best' people are fully capable of horrific acts and gives me no inspiration.

Don't worry I already reported that fakepoast. Don't let him guilt you. Just compare yourself to yourself and no one else.

Also, reading about your father was interesting but really only a tertiary topic. I remember you said he was pretty affected by the "unfortunateness" in Vietnam and a funeral would clearly manifest that explosively.

Anyways, you got this

2020-10-29 at 3:14 PM UTC

#63

aldra JIDF Controlled Opposition

Originally posted by Sudo Don't worry I already reported that fakepoast. Don't let him guilt you. Just compare yourself to yourself and no one else.

I think he was just looking for something that might help and I appreciate the attempt, at least.

Also, reading about your father was interesting but really only a tertiary topic. I remember you said he was pretty affected by the "unfortunateness" in Vietnam and a funeral would clearly manifest that explosively.

Short version is he had a very short fuse and took it out on my mother and I (my brother to a lesser extent - when he 'came out' my dad was unsurprised, said he'd always been less hard on him because he was 'soft'), so there was always a lot of screaming and up. I later understood that he'd seen and done things that'd very likely damaged him.

That funeral (mother's father) was a few years after they separated, and he lashed out because he felt like he didn't belong and nobody was helping him. It felt exactly like what it used to when I was a kid and he'd go ballistic, except this time I was more angry than scared.

The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!

2020-10-29 at 4:51 PM UTC

#64

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

-----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE-----
Hash: SHA256

i got lost in the precipitation when a huge amphetamine cloud in the sky was ripped open by the metal part of me, i took even more after this & i definitely pushed too far today lol

i’m leaving it up in case any of it’s meaningful & because i’m not yet in the right condition to determine whether i’ve been coherent (or quite possibly rude)

[spoiler=amphetamine cannibal assessment]

[quote pk=1224674 author="aldra"]this is... I think I know what I was trying to say but did it poorly. It's something that I've never tried to put into words[/quote]

you’re articulate, as am i, & i don't think your syntax was the issue. when i suffer a loss for words on a subject that makes me uncomfortable, it’s because i didn’t want it to be concretely available for my comprehension because processing it is disturbing to me.

has the notion led you anywhere? if there's some feeling you're guarding against yourself, what does it taste like? find the well which has dispersed that contaminant, and when you find it, keep drinking until you remember what you dropped down there.

possibly an odd question: did you notice the rush or release of any sensation, anywhere in your body? would you notice such a thing, or do you mostly live in your head?

[quote]I don't want to risk other, better-adjusted, people starting to think the same way.[/quote]

in so few words, you manage to convey your low opinion of your own development, that something you feel must be corruptive to society, and that understanding this really isn’t worth our trouble because there’s no benefit, only the possibility of harm. you can't connect with others, and you advise them not to connect with you because palpable to you in such situations is a threat of danger that won't let you be at ease.

regarding your father's outburst: i note that it was possibly his target (your girlfriend) which led your decision to separate, rather than his behavior itself?

i can’t help but notice that you’ve put yourself down a few times in this thread, which is about you and this earnest struggle when you seldom reference yourself around the forum in general. are you possibly trying to get away from yourself because there’s something you mustn’t see?

[quote]To me there are barely visible strands between the most abhorrent crimes and everyday people. It's easy to wave away criminals as 'bad people' who are different, especially when it comes to the most depraved crimes, but actually considering their motivations and how they justify their acts to themselves allows you to see similarities in the thought processes of others. Or yourself.

The best example I can give are related to sex drive - everyone has their desires that they're biologically compelled to pursue to varying degrees - most people are unable to live an ascetic lifestyle; their impulses are too strong and they aren't able to find a reason to summon the strength to fight them (not that they should be expected to).

If you understand the strength of your own sexual desires, do you think they'd be any easier to control if you were a child molestor, a rapist, or some sort of extreme sadist? Would you be capable of the same things, if only your desires were different?[/quote]

we all have the capacity for savagery & cruelty & it bleeds out of every footstep across the earth but the body also enjoys a regulatory function, which you can verify (or at least reason) isn’t totally defunct in everybody, everywhere, yet. i think you’ve long been supplying the justification of an unconscious project, wherein you systematically dissolve the conceptual barriers between personal safety & danger in a caustic maneuver to resolve their conflict, that is, this very struggle in which you have enormous bets placed on either side.

it doesn’t end. you’ll clench your teeth harder and harder until a fissure colonizes your mouth, and then you’ll have become a diseased person who can’t leave home to cope with dentists. this is when the rot sets in. you’ll never enjoy so much as a morsel & you’ll be closer to becoming what you fear—hurting people with what’s inside of you—& anyone who gets close could be at risk, just as you fear now, just as you feared with your father hurting everybody close. you’ll have confirmed his prophecy about a dangerous world, but only for yourself.

and in your twilight, well... remember grandpa? how many teeth, and how did he cope? how fearful, after he discovered in himself the very chasm that you're grinding into being right now? how did anger back then protect you from the sight of his truth, and what conceals that same truth at this moment?

[quote]There are two specific instances that I've made the mistake of researching in the past that I don't think I'll ever be able to get out of my head - not so much because they're in any way interesting, but because I don't believe in good and evil. I don't see the perpetrators as fundamentally any different from most people, and yet they've committed some of the most vile and disgusting acts I've heard of.

It makes me feel as though we're irredeemable on the whole.[/quote]

i believe that you feel as though you’re irredeemable on the whole & potentially dangerous & you prefer to project this everywhere else, rather than seeing it principally in the context of your own life. reflection of that critical kind can be scary as shit for people whose abusive parents didn’t help them learn it healthily.

ideally, children we scream at never learn how to handle it the way that's best for them. this isn't an accident, it's how people get left out. i believe that you identify with some of the worst things that have happened in your life & they predict a scary future, so you let them hold you back.

how does your ancient concept of looming threat manifest on the board to keep you in check? what was the sin that made you an exile? how old were you when you first excluded the possibility of your forgiveness? who or what is still making you torture yourself & what do you make of that, in terms of everyday awareness?[/spoiler]

-----BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE-----
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=EiKd
-----END PGP SIGNATURE-----

i got lost in the precipitation when a huge amphetamine cloud in the sky was ripped open by the metal part of me, i took even more after this & i definitely pushed too far today lol

i’m leaving it up in case any of it’s meaningful & because i’m not yet in the right condition to determine whether i’ve been coherent (or quite possibly rude)

2020-10-29 at 5:35 PM UTC

#65

joe biden Tuskegee Airman

Originally posted by Zanick bear with me, please: ample amphetamine.

you’re articulate, as am i, & i don't think your syntax was the issue. when i suffer a loss for words on a subject that makes me uncomfortable, it’s because i didn’t want it to be concretely available for my comprehension because processing it is disturbing to me.

has the notion led you anywhere? if there's some feeling you're guarding against yourself, what does it taste like? find the well which has dispersed that contaminant, and when you find it, keep drinking until you remember what you dropped down there.

possibly an odd question: did you notice the rush or release of any sensation, anywhere in your body? would you notice such a thing, or do you mostly live in your head?

in so few words, you manage to convey your low opinion of your own development, that something you feel must be corruptive to society, and that understanding this really isn’t worth our trouble because there’s no benefit, only the possibility of harm. you can't connect with others, and you advise them not to connect with you because palpable to you in such situations is a threat of danger that won't let you be at ease.

regarding your father's outburst: i note that it was possibly his target (your girlfriend) which led your decision to separate, rather than his behavior itself?

i can’t help but notice that you’ve put yourself down a few times in this thread, which is about you and this earnest struggle when you seldom reference yourself around the forum in general. are you possibly trying to get away from yourself because there’s something you mustn’t see?

we all have the capacity for savagery & cruelty & it bleeds out of every footstep across the earth but the body also enjoys a regulatory function, which you can verify (or at least reason) isn’t totally defunct in everybody, everywhere, yet. i think you’ve long been supplying the justification of an unconscious project, wherein you systematically dissolve the conceptual barriers between personal safety & danger in a caustic maneuver to resolve their conflict, that is, this very struggle in which you have enormous bets placed on either side.

it doesn’t end. you’ll clench your teeth harder and harder until a fissure colonizes your mouth, and then you’ll have become a diseased person who can’t leave home to cope with dentists. this is when the rot sets in. you’ll never enjoy so much as a morsel & you’ll be closer to becoming what you fear—hurting people with what’s inside of you—& anyone who gets close could be at risk, just as you fear now, just as you feared with your father hurting everybody close. you’ll have confirmed his prophecy about a dangerous world, but only for yourself.

and in your twilight, well… remember grandpa? how many teeth, and how did he cope? how fearful, after he discovered in himself the very chasm that you're grinding into being right now? how did anger back then protect you from the sight of his truth, and what conceals that same truth at this moment?

i believe that you feel as though you’re irredeemable on the whole & potentially dangerous & you prefer to project this everywhere else, rather than seeing it principally in the context of your own life. reflection of that critical kind can be scary as shit for people whose abusive parents didn’t help them learn it healthily.

ideally, children we scream at never learn how to handle it the way that's best for them. this isn't an accident, it's how people get left out. i believe that you identify with some of the worst things that have happened in your life & they predict a scary future, so you let them hold you back.

how does your ancient concept of looming threat manifest on the board to keep you in check? what was the sin that made you an exile? how old were you when you first excluded the possibility of your forgiveness? who or what is still making you torture yourself & what do you make of that, in terms of everyday awareness?

Hook me up with some of that meth, my nigger.

2020-10-29 at 6:22 PM UTC

#66

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

i’ve been seeing a loose & passionless physician for some time, we’re not close but it’s productive

2020-10-29 at 7:30 PM UTC

#67

Obbe Alan What? [annoy my right-angled speediness]

Originally posted by aldra Mr. Rogers?

I don't mean to be totally dismissive, but I do not believe people to be fundamentally good and I do know that the news plays up the negative. It doesn't change the fact that even the 'best' people are fully capable of horrific acts and gives me no inspiration.

So what? Anybody can kill. That doesn't mean everybody is a killer. You don't need to believe everyone is "fundamentally good", whatever that means, for Mr.Rogers advice to hold true.

2020-10-29 at 7:32 PM UTC

#68

-SpectraL coward [the spuriously bluish-lilac bushman]

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

- King Solomon

2020-10-29 at 7:36 PM UTC

#69

Jiggaboo_Johnson Black Hole

Originally posted by -SpectraL There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

- King Solomon

2022-01-11 at 10:58 AM UTC

#70

Bradley Florida Man

Has your life improved in the last. 15 months, OP?

2022-01-11 at 11:07 AM UTC

#71

aldra JIDF Controlled Opposition

Originally posted by Bradley Has your life improved in the last. 15 months, OP?

I stopped doing benzos

2022-01-11 at 12:02 PM UTC

#72

RIPtotse victim of incest [my adversative decurved garbo]

Originally posted by aldra I stopped doing benzos

So ur good then.

Only drugs to be used are marijuana and alcohol...marijuana daily and alcohol maybe 5-10 times per year getting drunk max.

Maybe an ibuprofen or tylonel if you have some kinda pain but never longer than a couple days in a row.

Everything else causes too much of what i like to call a soul deficit.

So say you do amps or benzos or opiates for 5 days in a row, it's gonna take 10 days of using nothing to even get back to normal to where u were before starting using.

I'm currently trying to climb out of a 10 year soul deficit. Gonna take 20 of sobriety to get back to normal for me.

Fuuuuuuuuiuiuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu555uuukkkkkk

The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!

aldra

2022-01-11 at 12:06 PM UTC

#73

aldra JIDF Controlled Opposition

yeah sounds about right

I came off tramadol then etazene a while back but even after withdrawals it was real hard to function and harder to sleep

been using low-dose suboxone

The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!

Sudo

2022-01-11 at 12:07 PM UTC

#74

aldra JIDF Controlled Opposition

also lol@ how many people on this site are in the same boat

Originally posted by RIPtotse I'm currently trying to climb out of a 10 year soul deficit. Gonna take 20 of sobriety to get back to normal for me.

The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!

Sudo

2022-01-11 at 12:07 PM UTC

#75

Sudo Black Hole [my hereto riemannian peach]

Bloodlettin like a soothsayer

CandyReining blood I'm a Kerry king like Slayer

Angel of death ain't gonna save ya

Russian asset down under told the benzos see ya later

2022-01-11 at 12:10 PM UTC

#76

RIPtotse victim of incest [my adversative decurved garbo]

That's good. I was on subs for years but I was retarded and just sold them for more h/fent..well it was h back then.

I remember when the strips came out and I got switched to those.

After getting my tolerance so high they stopped working for shit though, granted waiting the 72 hours or whatever for induction was practically impossible for me at the time.

I'd like to get off methadone, but have been pretty lazy about reducing my dose lately although I should start again.

Fuckiing faggot ass opiates fucking bullshit fucking why did I have to have access to 90 oc 80s a month for my entire high school time

Fucking stupid fucking physical/mental addictions. Fr

The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!

Sudo,
aldra

2022-01-11 at 12:11 PM UTC

#77

CandyRein Black Hole

I'm glad you okay now , bubbles...

2022-01-11 at 12:12 PM UTC

#78

Wariat Marine/Preteen Biologist

see why dont I get these kinds of answers from you guys when I ask such questions?

2022-01-11 at 12:14 PM UTC

#79

Sudo Black Hole [my hereto riemannian peach]

Originally posted by RIPtotse That's good. I was on subs for years but I was retarded and just sold them for more h/fent..well it was h back then.

I remember when the strips came out and I got switched to those.

After getting my tolerance so high they stopped working for shit though, granted waiting the 72 hours or whatever for induction was practically impossible for me at the time.

I'd like to get off methadone, but have been pretty lazy about reducing my dose lately although I should start again.

Fuckiing faggot ass opiates fucking bullshit fucking why did I have to have access to 90 oc 80s a month for my entire high school time

Fucking stupid fucking physical/mental addictions. Fr

Everyone in da benzos smokes the strips. I just take the pills and am trying to wean myself off with gabbies and shit

2022-01-11 at 12:16 PM UTC

#80

aldra JIDF Controlled Opposition

Originally posted by RIPtotse That's good. I was on subs for years but I was retarded and just sold them for more h/fent..well it was h back then.

I remember when the strips came out and I got switched to those.

After getting my tolerance so high they stopped working for shit though, granted waiting the 72 hours or whatever for induction was practically impossible for me at the time.

I'd like to get off methadone, but have been pretty lazy about reducing my dose lately although I should start again.

Fuckiing faggot ass opiates fucking bullshit fucking why did I have to have access to 90 oc 80s a month for my entire high school time

Fucking stupid fucking physical/mental addictions. Fr

I never went that hard. 400mg+ tram isn't a lot opiates-wise but it causes all sorts of other problems.

I can get by on .2mg sub a day or so so it's not a big deal, I think it's PAWS that gets me but I have no idea if it'll ever end and I need to actually do things

User Controls

Navigation