2020-04-21 at 9:33 AM UTC
Yeah i actually started going to meetings in 2011. I sat in the back in the dark where no one could see me. I got high before i went bc being in there felt like being a whore in church, fucked up my anxiety bad. I never spoke, obviously- bc they even if i had the guts to, they request you not share if youve used in the last 24 hours. I just felt like i couldnt get on their level so i shouldnt go. I wanted to be clean but not sober, and i wanted to get something by osmosis, but i didnt have any framework for my life, or hope enough thatthimgs could be better.
I still may go back but idk. Id be doing my own program. Doesnt necessarily mean doing substances, but itd mean de emphasizing higher power shit and complete abstinence, and more in fostering relationships, introspection,balance, being present in the moment.
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2020-04-21 at 7:19 PM UTC
Dregs
African Astronaut
[that freakishly double-edged allmouth]
just wanna say i've been drunk 8 out of the last 10 and a bit days...I AM QUITE PROUD OF THIS AND THYSELF. Y'ALL should do it
RIP Aldra
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2020-04-21 at 10:06 PM UTC
Lol as if I'm working in a fucking crisp factory to tie myself over this lockdown.
Suck my shlong.
2020-04-21 at 11:44 PM UTC
Originally posted by Fox
It’s not looking good
https://niggasin.space/thread/44419
i have hi on my steam friends list. Says he was logged on 10 days ago.
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2020-04-29 at 11:42 PM UTC
June 1st i'll be 5 years clean from my etizolam addiction. probably celebrate with a fat line of ketamine.
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2020-05-04 at 1:52 PM UTC
Dregs
African Astronaut
[that freakishly double-edged allmouth]
55 hrs and a bit sober...
yay me..can't avoid to another bottle til at least friday...all my bills killed me.
ugh..
got my root beer in hand and say cheers to being a sober fuckstain. yay! NOT.
2020-05-10 at 10:44 AM UTC
So yeah i started drinking again. Or idk if i should even call it that. I drank again for the first time in 2 years a week or so ago. Drank a couple beers and a vodka soda, felt nice. drank 6 more beers and the rest of the bottle, didnt feel extra nice. Wad disappointed. Got another bottle and mixers to deink again tonight, but just ended up having a few beers with my thai food and calling it a night. Idk. Its hard for me to do anything to excess anymore and feel good about it. I figured wanting to put a bullet in my brain is as good an excuse as any to do what i want. i look forward to taking my gabapentin and meager 4mg methadone every day, but only bc its the one time of day im not in pain and discomfort and i can lay there and just close my eyes without my body screaming at me. I still have 1000 mg or so of methadone stashed. Ive had it for years. It occurred to me itd be nice to feel that way more often, but i never did it. I guess i realized that what i WANT to be clean...or....idk. Whatever this is. I want to be clearheaded. I dont want to be sketchy and ashamed of myself. I want to be self sufficient and unselfish. I just dont want any of that life anymore. The only reason it still feels tempting at all is because of the TRAPPINGS of control, strength, success, financial well being- etc - that i felt. But theres other ways to do that without scooping myself out inside.
Anyway. I still feel like dogshit. Not quite as bad as i did a few weeks ago, but still pretty awful. I declined hydrocodone for the 3 root canals bc im pretty sure it wont even do anything so why bother. The gabapentin seems to work a bit for my depression/anxiety too, but thats another can of worms. Idk. I kinda didnt want to take anything at all, but there needs to be something in between total, stubborn abstinence and pleasure seeking addict behavior. Balance. Maybe im fooling myself to think i can do that, but i dont think so. Then again I didnt think a lot of things.
Anyway- so thats that. Still depressed. Still hurting, Still lonely. Still broke. Still fucking exhausted with everything, and kinda dont see a way out of this, but its turned down from a 9 to a 7.
Be easy space negroes.
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2020-05-10 at 11:03 AM UTC
I think your mind has made up its mind without you Casper.😁
2020-05-10 at 11:15 AM UTC
I dont process much anymore. I kinda just react to things. But im still always of two minds. One- Id prefer to not “need” anything to be okay. Id rather just be okay. Two- short of being okay, i want to not be miserable all the time. Its a constant back and forth n its exhausting.
2020-05-10 at 4:26 PM UTC
Originally posted by CASPER
I dont process much anymore. I kinda just react to things. But im still always of two minds. One- Id prefer to not “need” anything to be okay. Id rather just be okay. Two- short of being okay, i want to not be miserable all the time. Its a constant back and forth n its exhausting.
Casper please don't do anything Malice like, you're such a great guy and we all love having you on NIS.
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2020-05-10 at 8:37 PM UTC
Hopelessness is a major risk factor for pulling a Malice. Casper figured, might as well get drunk if i'm close to that place anyway. Which is good. Future-orientation is a protective factor from pulling a Malice. I can see future-orientation, and when he's nigh hopeless he'll cope chemically. Which isn't great, but it's better than being dead. And i for one am glad.
Don't mean to talk to about you like you're not here Casper. Just doing an armchair psychologist suicide risk assessment. It's true though that feeling hopeless for an extended period of time is a sign suicide is more likely to occur. Chronic pain is also bad. The thing is, suicidal people don't actually want to die, they just want the pain to go away. So there's always relapse, if you're close to offing yourself. But don't take that as an excuse. It's a last resort. But i know you know this.
If you need me, you know i'm here G. Send me a message some time. Only if you want.
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2020-05-10 at 9:36 PM UTC
this is the best rehab ever
