Im just over this shit. I dont remember the last time i was just pain free and at peace for more than an hour. Maybe im not entitled to that. Z aybe no one is. Idk.
I dont really have anything else to say i guess. Im just fed the fuck up. Im tired of listening to this shit someone flip the record.
Originally posted by Cheyes
I think I'm done with krek. I had a g and a half that was pretty great, and everything since is just sad. I don't think I have a good source for it anymore and I think my brain isn't allowing euphoria from it anymore.
I also stopped using Crouton completely several days ago, which is great, it's really not a good long-term thing and I was taking way too much anyway. I feel quite a bit better off it. The less great news is that I got more fentaroys, although a weaker mix because the last batch was almost pure and was just WAY too strong. This is a little weaker but still crazy strong. I ended up overdosing again, this time I fell on my back but very luckily didn't end up puking until I broke out of the death chasm and was able to stumble to the toilet quickly. Last time I barfed in my sleep but was laying on my stomach so I didn't choke. I got some free Narcan through obammercare, but fent smoke hits you so hard thats its very difficult to recognize that you need to spray yourself before you're already unconscious. Oh well.
RIP
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I tried to get suboxone today but didn't really try very hard. I know someone with one, I just have to go see them and get it for free but like, wtf I really am addicted. Did heroin (shit stuff probably the other day and it didn't cure the hydro withdrawals like how tf, I'm being destructive with my inner personal relationships I guess I have some idealized version of getting to something better but tbh I don't feel I'm in the shape for it while being on point. I need to reprioritize right quick and hopefully getting off opiates will be part of that. Now someone close to me is doing them too and other people are drinking and I want to but I haven't drank in so long but I feel it might make me feel better.
I don't remember typing any of this and will probably delete later idk I'm not gonna die though guiyz I'm really hard to kill though I swear
So my sponsor called tonight. I told him a lot of things but the gist of it was i said i feel like shit and im thinking about ctb constantly and whether life is worth living if i feel like this all the time and my back is fucking breaking and im never comfortable and i dont want to talk and i dont want to do fucking Zoom meetings and im tired of being a downer so i just want tobe left alone for a while. I said I hate every decision ive made and I resent the program for making me feel so shitty and conflicted about taking neurontin and smoking weed for excruciating pain. I said it feels like church again when every answer is just “pray about it”, “practice gratitude”, etc. Its like my mom and this fucking cat: theres a very simple thing that can make somehign hard easier. The cost of doing this thing is nil. But nah...we’re just gonna close our eyes as tight as possible and just SUFFER and HAVE FAITH that things will get better. Thats dog shit and I fucking resent it. If I smoke weed 2 or 3 times a week b. im on the verge of crying i shouldnt have to feel like some polish pedophile who tried to jack off on a child at Sea World about it.
He said “Im always here if you ever want to talk- day or night- but this is where im going to have to suggest you get a sponsor locally.” Which i said yeah to, but im not gonna do that either. Im too angry right now. I just want to rip everyones head off. I want to put my head through a fucking wall. I dont want to talk about my shitty life or what half baked runner up prize “plan” God had for me and my life. The facts are: I made bad choices bc i was cowardly and afraid. Im now reaping the consequences of those choices. Many of those consequences are going to last until the day I die. Thats depressing. Will something good come out of this? Yeah maybe. Anything is possible when the universe is chaos. But i just do not give a fuck anymore. I do not have the will, the energy, the wherewithal -whatever- for lip service and platitudes and kicking the fucking can down the road with more God talk. I just dont. if i think i can “get away” with doing something that helps, and not spiral myself back into major addiction, im just going to do it and im tired feeling guilty about it.
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Thing is i dont even want that life anymore. sobriety is appealing to me. But that all or nothing approach is just BS. My shit is as fucked up as it is bc i went to extremes. Forsaking all everything bc a glorified church group said its bad makes no sense. No one can explain to me how chain smoking cigarettes and triple brewed coffee arent “mood altering substances” and full spectrum CBD or something is. Its not a coherent ideology.
Originally posted by CASPER
Thing is i dont even want that life anymore. sobriety is appealing to me. But that all or nothing approach is just BS. My shit is as fucked up as it is bc i went to extremes. Forsaking all everything bc a glorified church group said its bad makes no sense. No one can explain to me how chain smoking cigarettes and triple brewed coffee arent “mood altering substances” and full spectrum CBD or something is. Its not a coherent ideology.
Dude, what are you going to replace drugs with? I tried with NA before and its very fucking lacking. Youre a clever creative person working what I imagine is a monotonous job while coming off drugs AND a high dose of methadone in a city that never sleeps with drugs everywhere.
You should be proud of yourself but you need to find something to replace it other than just a lack of drugs and defining yourself as an addict, even if thats what you will always be; you will always be a hell of a lot more than that and have a hell of a lot more to offer
Just keep yourself open to new things or the possibility of being happy with something new
Originally posted by MexicanMasterRace
They really think cbd is 'drugs'? Thats insane.
Where's your balance, Casper?
They think anything with thc in it is drugs. And neurontin is also a no no. Basically anything ever used to get high is a no-no. the somas i took last week for instance.
Originally posted by Sudo
Dude, what are you going to replace drugs with? I tried with NA before and its very fucking lacking. Youre a clever creative person working what I imagine is a monotonous job while coming off drugs AND a high dose of methadone in a city that never sleeps with drugs everywhere.
You should be proud of yourself but you need to find something to replace it other than just a lack of drugs and defining yourself as an addict, even if thats what you will always be; you will always be a hell of a lot more than that and have a hell of a lot more to offer
Just keep yourself open to new things or the possibility of being happy with something new
Yeah idk. I need a lot of things. Just across the board sucks right now. I need a new job. I need to go back to school. I need normal friends. I need to get my own place. I need to get at least healthy enough that im not u comfortable and in pain every day.
Inever really defined myself as a junkie. Thats just kinda the rut i ended up in. Thats one of the reasons NA hasnt felt right. No matter how deep i got, i always felt like i was playing a role. The minute i stopped getting high and selling drugs and hurting people on purpose, i stopped feeling like that person anymore. So self flagellating for the rest of my life doesnt seem especially appealing. Maybe i am just trying to make excuses for being a weak person but i feel like im just doing the best with that i got right now.
Originally posted by CASPER
They think anything with thc in it is drugs. And neurontin is also a no no. Basically anything ever used to get high is a no-no. the somas i took last week for instance.
Yeah, I hate that mentality. These are the people who somehow used drugs but don't get that the abstinence mentality of things like DARE doesn't work. Harm reduction should really be the focus of these kinds of groups. You drink a 12 pack every night? Try going down to a 6 pack. You're clean off heroin! Fantastic. Go smoke your weed.
The problem with this in a group setting though is that you'll have people making relationships and friendships while at different stages of improvement. You don't want the chipper to make friends with the guy who's actively going through withdrawals
I mean how many people dont go just because they dont wanna get totally sober? Most people just want to move down to a few beers here and there and/or some weed. I certainly don't ever see myself stopping those. I'd probably lose my mind without at least an occasional release. I've accepted that.
