2020-03-13 at 7:49 AM UTC
I tried to remind myself today that when i played video games i always took a couple of negative traits or handicaps bc its more badass that way. I mean personally i wouldve chosen a sweet eyepatch over a painful old person disease, but potato/tomato i guess.
2020-03-13 at 7:50 AM UTC
I know we need carbs for energy but since I've reduced my intake I kind of look...well..better? More defined per se. I don't take sugar anymore either. My only guilty pleasure is cheese cake.
I am however still eating one or two fatty foods. The body can burn anything excess gained from that before going Aushwitz mode and attack what little muscle I have left. Pork belly fat is noooice.
2020-03-15 at 11:16 AM UTC
Dregs
African Astronaut
[that freakishly double-edged allmouth]
welcome back Oct!
as for me? well got into morning 11 great but by the end of the night? well i was royally fucked up at a strip club about an hour away from home and still don't know how i got there or many details before, in between, and after. spent a ridiculous amount of money...all on booze mainly on myself but i bought some rounds for people i never met before in my life but i was like whatever its just money
than got a small bootle to chug down before i passed out...its been like 10 hrs since i had a drink
so disappointed in myself...i was doing so well and feeling great. as for why i did what i did? got a some family news that was disappointing to hear, i kinda blamed myself for it...had a couple or so beers...and i don't remember much else. all i know i was having fun..i was downtown...way out in the east end than totally opposite end by the end of the night. someone was driving me all over but i don't have a clue who or how many...or maybe i was cabbing it. its a blur still
i fucked up badly..and now 10 hrs later i wanna get a 60 pounder and tell the world to fuck off for good. than wake up, rinse, and repeat to this misery is over. I'M NOT READY AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL BE. WORTHLESS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT FOREVER.
hope y'all are doing great though
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2020-03-26 at 7:48 AM UTC
Im only writing here bc this is supposed to be a journal of people going through recovery. Not bc i want a response or an answer, I just am not going to tell my sponsor any of this, and im ot gonna putit on facebook.
I feel like shit. Ive been crying on and off all day. I got so frustrated at a customer, i went in the bathroom, flsuhed the toilet, ran the sink, took off my shirt, balled it up and screamed into it. Everything hurts.
The one of the two broken teeth that needed the root canal was started throbbing. And the dentist isnt working for weeks. I apparently have arthritis in my back and hip thats going to require surgery at some point, and its so painful icant even sleep or do much of anything without pain. Dr. said its crazy i let it let this bad, bc anyone else with anything half as bad wouldve seen a doctor. Guess that good tar fixes a whole lot of leaks. My physical therapy has also been cancelled i definitely. The ibuprofen doest work. The acetaminophen doesnt work, Weed doesnt do it. tizanidine and gabapentin dont do it.i
im just fucking tired. Im really tired. Feels like im running on a fucking wheel and im just exhausted. I dont have the energy to play video games anymore. I dont write. I dont make music. I dont go anywhere. Im just so tired. I didnt think it was possible to be this tired at 31 with pretty much nothing going on. I got a 150k life insurance policy pretty cheap through my car insurance provider, I guess it makes me feel better like if something happens at least its not a waste.
i had to do some step work with my sponsor tonight and i got kind of heated. His business isnt doing very well, and hes worried, trying to figure out what to do, wants to hand it over to God, And i just said “How do you know God doesnt want you to go bankrupt and start all over? Bc i listen a lot and i havent heard much. Maybe its willful for me to try to squirm out of this discomfort, Maybe i should just let things happen.”
im just fucking tired, and angry. But only with myself,
Idk. Thats what i got,
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2020-03-26 at 9:18 AM UTC
Holy shit, sounds like a lot of suicidal people. I hope you get relief for your pain Casper, that sucks.
2020-03-31 at 5:42 PM UTC
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2020-03-31 at 5:55 PM UTC
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2020-03-31 at 6:10 PM UTC
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2020-03-31 at 7:18 PM UTC
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2020-03-31 at 7:35 PM UTC
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