Originally posted by WellHung
What happened with the slit?
Idk just life i guess. Ive known her since high school when i was a quiet tryhard cokehead. We made a pact that if we werent married by 40 wed get hitched. We started talking again a year or so after not talking for a couple years bc she wouldnt date me bc i was still on heroin. I got mad n blocked her on everything. A year ago we start talking again but shes now engaged to be married. I apologized for everything. I explained why i did what i did and that i was a child. I was kinda sad,but i was happy she was doing well bc shes really sweet. Were talking like every morning and all through the day, and im able to tell her stuff i havent told anyone else. And then a couple months later, her fiancee calls off the wedding and shes destroyed and suicidal. We talk even more and shes talking about no one is ever going to want her and shes going to die alone. I reassure her and tell her shes gorgeous and smart as fuck, and caring, and i find myself smiling subconsciously when i get texts from her. We talk pretty much all day. We joke about what our kids are going to look like when we get married, since my sperm is probably all mutated from the drugs. She makes it explicitly clear she wants me to fuck her. Our work schedules and my lack of a car make it pretty much i possible to see each other. I start having all these weird feelings and im thinking about her all the time. I start thinking about how people end up with someone they met in high school, and how amazing it is to have this woman still want to be with me after all the shit ive told her. But i also know that shes still hurting and i dont know if weâre both feeling this for real,or because were both depressed and lonely. And loneliness is an awful reason to do anything. Im also scared to death that ill fuck it up bc ive never beenin a relationship sober and if i mess up now, it means that i was always the problem and not the drugs. We make nonspecific plans to meet on a Sunday, but the night before, someone from my NA meeting asks if i can go to the area meeting for our group. Im supposed to be volunteering to be of service so i agree. The meeting is from 12-1, so i call her afterwards and she says its too late lets just try again another weekend. I agree but im annoyed as fuck. I dont outright ignore her but that whole week i just didnt text her as much as i normally did. Then valentines day morning she asks what im doing for valentines, i said absolutely nothing...work and jacking off. A few hours later she says shes going on a date and i dont think too much of it bc she needed the confidence boost and i dont like her being sad. Well....theyre seeing each other like every other day now, and theyre fucking. Theyre going up to the mountains in a couple weeks. It felt like a punch in the gut. When she said she fucked him it ruined my whole week. Felt like listening to someone fuck your girlfriend. But it gave me a lot of time to think about why i felt that way, and why i got so attached so quick to someone iveseen probably 10 times in person in the last 10 years. Made me think about whats healthy. And whether it makes me feel good to be jealous and posessive and angry, depressed. It really doesnât.
So at a certain point i kinda just had to let it go. I think i felt it so much bc it felt like i lost the only person who would ever love me that way. But thats also a super diseased way of thinking, and its not true. The fact that my world is so small and i dont put myself out there often doesnt mean theres only this one person. I cant be the man i want to be until I learn to just be a decent human being, a decent friend- without having to get something out of a situation. So whatever happens happens, I just need to focus on myself i stead of trying to use money and people and food like a drug to feel better. When i can feel happy with myself without needing someone else to validate or fix my shit- is when ill be ready for a healthy relationship.But the combination of the methadone withdrawals and the depression was a fucking hurricane of feelings lol.
