2019-09-01 at 4:58 AM UTC
I've got a little over 4k right now to my name that I've worked long hours through a year of trying to detox myself off various drugs and just total depression and apathy most the time and probably getting some PTSDbux pretty soon here which will be monthly money forever. My job right now fuckin sucks dick and is full of toxic people who are just drinking or drugging themselves under the table everyday after work to forget their problems. I can't do that anymore, my consciousness is burning a hole in my soul every time I alter it in a way that makes me lazy and it makes me acutely aware that nobody really cares about me much anymore aside from my family but even they're tired of me being a fuckin drag on everyone.
I'm young enough that I could pull off a new career change, especially if I used the GI bill to get some free education, either college or a coding boot camp designed to get your foot in the door of a job as quickly as possible, but I still need a lot of college classes and I'm old enough that the age gap will isolate me to a decent degree which is not a good position for me to be in and was a major factor in why I became such a junkie in the first place. And I don't really see myself being happy doing a 9-5 or fitting in with normies in general. I want a gf/life partner/wife but not just anyone, there has to be a genuine connection and I feel like the choices I've made over the past few years would red flag the fuck out of me to any potential partners who are in the realm of normies.
I've kind of come to the conclusion that I probably will not find somebody like that, but maybe I will find someone whose weirdness intersects with mine in a positive way if I go out and just say fuck it and volunteer to help some random people out around the world while also meeting new people from different cultures and experiencing new things.
It could also give me some time to continue to be sober, like a few months away from weed and everything. It feels selfish as fuck though like I'm a trust fund kid or something. I just want to have a positive impact on the world and some people after doing so much damage to myself and the people around me. I regret getting so caught up in drugs that I totally lost sight of the person I was and started to act in a way that was totally inconsistent with how I actually feel and what I actually wanted.
I don't know what else to do. I can't stay here because it's killing me just watching my life pass by where I work my ass off and pick up other people's slack so that they can go take more shits and fuck with their phone during their shift. I don't feel mentally ready to go back to an academic setting yet, maybe not ever. But at the same time I'm not being challenged nearly enough right now and life is totally unappealing and dull and miserable knowing that I'm still climbing my way out of this hole while everyone else has basically left me here (and I don't blame them).
I don't even feel suicidal anymore so that's not a valid way out. Maybe I just need to accept that life is probably going to suck from here on out, or at least for a good while.
