I thought this particular variety of conception was reserved for devout virgins, but here I am, a zealot of your love, knocked up in a twist of cosmic irony. Every doctor I've consulted has assured me that this will be an abnormal pregnancy, and it's likely our multiphallic child will only be delivered on my deathbed. Widening my urethra in preparation will be a challenge. I've started taking prenatal vitamins, but I consumed the whole prescription in three days because I was so eager to nourish my heir. He will have no one to sire him and I have no savings to be inherited, but life under the El will make him strong. He will commit atrocities that make Atilla, Ghengis Khan, and Hitler blush in their heavenly orgy. Your love will breed the greatest violence, begin the fiercest war the world will ever see, and threaten all life everywhere before eventually receding back into my rotting loins. Please write back, as I have questions about how to ensure this prodigy recognizes his moral obligations. I cannot parent from the grave without your radiance to guide me.
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