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Posts by OMGPLZUNBAN
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2020-01-23 at 4:38 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by Fuck Your World Those girls look Puerto Rican or maybe even Portuguese-Brazilian.
The one on the left I always thought was super fucking hot. She was a cheating whore but not on me. One time we had an all night party where we rented out the vets hall and she claimed she wasn't going to do any drugs.
3 in the morning she dancing on the bar topless. -
2020-01-23 at 4:36 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!So I have an old lady. I call her the warden. I was working overnights at a gas station alone. I used youtube to MP3 websites to get stuff to listen to with one earbud in. I listened to a lot of stand up which I think contributed to why I don't think so right in normal situations. I was telling a co worker, dealing a crazy ass bitch and telling him there's reasons to hit a woman I got from Bill Burr. I told him he shouldn't do it but there are reasons to hit a woman.
So I got a joke from Doug Stanhope and wanted to tell the Mrs. "Hey babe. You wanna hear a joke?" She's down and I say, "So I told my old lady I wanted to fuck her between the tits. She says, 'How are you going to make it feel good for me?' "Right before I cum I'm going to stop punching you in the face."
Holy fucking shit. The flood gates were down. I'm being yelled at about it's never funny to joke about women being abused. Which is funny because I can tell say all the racist jokes I want and she laughs. She draws the line when it's something that can affect her. She's been beat up by a bunch of guys she was with that use to gorilla fuck her. Now it's my turn.
So I tell my joke, getting yelled at and I'm a fucking genius so I try to explain it. "It's funny in how offensive it is." I got no where with that logic. She goes to bed pissed and we're better than the next day.
A week later I heard another joke. What's the worst part about blowing Willie Nelson? Finding out it wasn't Willie Nelson. Implying you just blew some dirty, old street rat.
So I ask the warden, a week later, "Hey Babe... You wanna hear a joke?" She visibly rolls her eyes and sarcastically says, 'Sure.' She is already not happy but fuck it. I'm doing it. "What's the worst part about blowing Willie Nelson?" She's fucking still pissed and sarcastically, kinda pissed off responds, 'I don't know. You stopped punching him in the face?' I pause for a second before busting up laughing. The idea of blowing somebody while punching them was too funny. She hated that she made that joke way too funny and I've never let that story go.
I can't tell that story though. No one can relate apparently. It comes out the gate so hard people don't listen and just want it to stop. Typical Stanhope. One time last year I was camping with my dad and I figured, this is one of my funniest stories and surely he can relate. We're drinking, cooking burgers over a camp fire. In the middle of the woods. What better time to tell this story? I start off with Stanhopes joke and how I told it to the Mrs and I got immediately stopped. "I would never say anything like that to your mother! Good god!"
I think he's just turning into a pussy in his old age. And he pees sitting down. -
2020-01-23 at 1:25 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!Guinness World Records got back to me. It appears they're trying to steal my information:
Thank you for your contacting Guinness World Records.
If you are interested in receiving more detailed information from our experts on a record proposal, please visit our website to register an account with us: www.guinnessworldrecords.com. Log in, and once logged in, click on ‘Apply for a record’ to make an application.
Once we've received your application, it will be reviewed by one of our specialist researchers within 12 weeks. If your proposal is accepted, you will be contacted by e-mail with the corresponding rules and regulations that must be strictly adhered to. If we reject your idea, we'll reply to you detailing why it is not acceptable.
Once guidelines have been received and the record has been attempted, you will upload the required evidence for our expert Records Managers to review. Once the evidence is received, it takes approximately up to 12 weeks to be reviewed and to confirm the success or failure of your record attempt. If the Records Manager requires further information or evidence from you, you will be notified via email.
Don’t forget, you can always visit our FAQ section on our website for more answers: http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/FAQ/.
For more information on record breaking and to join our online community, please join us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/GuinnessWorldRecords.
Kind Regards,
Guinness World Records
They will have to bow down in acknowledgement of THE LONGEST THREAD ON THE INTERNET!! -
2020-01-22 at 1:49 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
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2020-01-22 at 1:20 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
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2020-01-21 at 3:09 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!One time I was at applebees. I started getting texts from a girl who was a close party friend. She had broken up with her man and wanted to see me after work. I was conflicted. This girl was pretty but had fukt pretty much every one I knew. So I'm texting her back while at work and wondering if I'm going to do the bad deed. I desperately wanted a girl and to not be alone so I was kind of deciding to do it. But still majorly conflicted about it. I knew it wasn't a smart move but I was alone and hoping something might come out of it.
What I didn't know is WifeDead borrowed my phone a couple nights before and changed his number ID in my phone to this girl. He was texting me the whole time while we were working right next to each other. One of the servors came up and asked me what's up because I looked down and out. I kind of explained and he was just laughing his ass off. I assume WifeDead let him in on the secret.
So shift ends, I'm giving WifeDead a ride home and when he steps out he texted me, 'It was me the whole time.' I drove away laughing but then the loneliness set in. I was wondering if I could be in a relationship with this ghetto party whore and finally not be alone for hours. It was a great prank but I soon got butthurt. I went to a party and asked a close buddy for some ecstasy. I got high and drunk and forgot about being alone.
Because I did copious amounts of drugs the night before my seratonin was shot the next day. Take 5HTP kids. So I was being a bitch and let WifeDead know I was pissed. He randomly gave me a belt later that I still have because I think he felt bad. He shouldn't have felt bad because that was a great prank.
Back when he used to talk to me I brought this story up and he had forgot about it. I said he should've texted me, 'Just walk in the door. I'll be fine.' So I walk into this girls house while she's in bed with her man and it would've been the greatest prank ever. I'm glad he didn't but looking back that would've been blowing off Poasts hand level savagery. -
2020-01-20 at 8:58 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!So close to page 37. I appreciate the support. I'd like to thank my mother for always encouraging me even when it's fucking retarded. With out her this stupidity wouldn't be possible.
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2020-01-20 at 8:35 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by WellHung Kikes
What is it with the jedis? Don't they own the world and they can fall back on the holocaust to call you an atisemite? I never looked into it because at the end of the day, I don't really give a shit. What am I feasibly going to change in the world? I'll just stick to being racist. -
2020-01-20 at 8:28 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by WellHung Bill Krozby fucks fat chicks.
I'm such a loser fat chicks wouldn't fuck me. Oh! That reminds me of another story!
Fucking years ago. Probably before I was born is how old this is. I got drunk at a buddies house and there was this gigantic round girl. She was trying to get with my buddy who was using her for stuff and she couldn't see it. Eventually we make it into the fold out bed in the living room and I'm telling her that the guy doesn't care about her and using her and we should probably fuck because of it.
I finally get her, this monstrous fat girl, to jerk me off. I brilliantly decided she sucked at maneuvering my small dick so much that I should put some dish soap on it. That worked. Then I convince her to give me a blow job. So I run to the sink and rinse off as best I could. She doesn't get half way down my shaft before coming back up spitting and gagging trying to say, "It tastes like soap."
The story I'm told is the two people in the next room were listening the whole time and I made this girl cry then tried to fuck her. -
2020-01-20 at 8:22 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
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2020-01-20 at 8:21 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!So back in the day we knew a girl who was learning to do tattoos. She was really good. Still is. She had an apprenticeship so doing tatts for cash in someones house was something she could get in trouble for. She kept giving people tatts. She was clean and professional.
There was another guy doing the same thing and I let him do Ryan Dunns rhino tattoo from Haggard before I was going to get my back piece. It turned out like crap and I never let him touch me again.
The girl said she couldn't do the Since '84 tatt because it was unrealistic. I said she could but moved on. WifeDead printed out what I wanted on two pieces of paper and I hung it on the wall. Back in the day, when GTA San Andreas was all the rage, Poast and I would play as a shirtless nigger with a fro and the back AK tatt. So I was kinda inspired by that. The girl comes over to party one night and she sees the thing WifeDead printed. She said, I can do that. That week and a hundred dollars I payed her then the nigger Sir from applebees got to tell me, "You just fukt up your back." I've always been a fan of matte black tatts and she put a ton of ink in to that one. It was straight black for months.
One night she brings over her portfolio. I'm going through it and see a tatt. "Who got that one?" I ask. It was a buddy of mine I don't see too often and I asked her if she would give me the same tattoo, in the same place. She says she will and then Poast says he'll do the same thing.
The plan, even though it never came to fruition, was I would see the guy at a party. Tell him I just got a new tattoo and show him. He'd be upset and then Poast would come up and be like, "No way! I got the same tatt! that's crazy!" I had to go to work so I got my tatt first. Now Poast is still bitching about how his eyes aren't perfect.
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2020-01-20 at 8:05 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
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2020-01-20 at 7:53 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by CASPER 86 toyota celica
Try an 86 Honda Accord. Or Honda Accard as we called it. Wish it was an 84 but oh well.
Originally posted by vindicktive vinny what happened to poast that he no longer want to be on internet ?
did he just recently discovered dignity ?
or shame maybe ?
He's reevaluating life or some thing. He's watching the thread. Just not poasting like a faggot. Never change pony boy. -
2020-01-20 at 1:15 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!Page mother fucking 36 bitches!
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2020-01-20 at 12:15 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!More applebee stories!
One time this short fat kid with a big butt got hired. Pretty decent worker and got the hang of things. Then his brother got hired. Really scrawny kid and he sucked at work. It took him forever to get things down but once he knew how to do something he knew it for good. They were Cameron and Guage. They earned the nick names Cam Shaft and .12 Guage.
WifeDead and I use to fuck with each others stations to make it as messy as possible. Or only I fucked with his. I forget. WifeDead was fry side and I was mid doing burgers and shit. Fry side had an improper drain so water would pool there when we cleaned the floors. One time, to fuck with WifeDead, I took the garden hose, set it around the corner where he couldn't see it and barely turned it on. He was splashing around in water and when he found out just said, "I don't really care."
So Cam Shaft worked fry side. He was an early out one day so I'm terrorizing WifeDeads spot because he has to close. I'm lifting up cutting boards and throwing hot sauce and pepper under there and a bunch of other shit. Cam Shaft tells me to stop. I assure him he doesn't have to clean it so what's the problem? He keeps telling me to stop and I don't. He was kinda a weird kid so next time I go to do something he's holding a giant knife and lunges at me. I jump back and don't get stabbed.
The felon on the line, who has stabbed a prison guard in the throat told me, "I thought that was real." So I asked Cam Shaft later. Were you really going to stab me? He replied, "I didn't know I wasn't going to stab you until I didn't."
Then I tried to take him shooting and WifeDead asked me, "You're going to take the kid who almost stabbed you, and put a gun in his hands?" Then I moved to Montana, where .12 Guage and Cam Shaft were originally from. I'm working a shitty gas station job and I see Cam. We exchange numbers and I finally take him shooting. Showed him his first pot plants too. He left one of my .22s loaded and had minimal gun safety and couldn't aim for shit but it was fun.
I lost his number with my old phone but last I heard he fell in love with some one older than him with a kid. Apparently she's a freak. He showed me some pictures and she looked hot. He told me stories about how he can ask to eat chocolate sauce off her body. She just said to keep it out of her hair.
One time up here in Montana I was drinking beer with him on his birthday and he told me a story. He met some guy who offered him weed late at night outside of the library. Cam agrees and goes to his house. The gentlemen offered Cam to butt fuck him and Cam agrees. Then the guy says it's only fair that he can buttfuck Cam. The guy assures Cam that if he doesn't like it, he'll stop. It starts getting bad for Cam and he says so. The guy just keeps buttfucking this poor kid. Cam told me this story laughing. I laughed with him because I think he was trying to cope with it but I was shocked. I never pegged Cam to be into pegging. Let alone being raped by a strange man with the allure of drugs. -
2020-01-18 at 11:10 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!I have a good one.
At our old party house Poast fell in love with some trashy girl but she already had a boyfriend. She was good looking and her boy friend was a hot mess. She was entertaining the idea of getting with Poast. One night they're over and her boyfriend gets drunk and turns into an asshole. Poast is chatting with the girl all night and I mention I just want to punch her boyfriend in the face. She says, "I wish someone would." So I do and he flips his shit but the entire house is on my side and he realizes he can't do shit. Plus I was big back then and had a minimum of 50 lbs on him.
Poast escalates in the weeks to come and apparently they're in bed together and she teased the fuck out of him and he stormed off angry. I think that was kind of the end of that. But not the end of the story. The night I punched him we had an 8 year old girl over because my buddy was kinda dating some lady that just bought him whatever he wanted. She had a daughter. It wasn't a party night so we put her to bed on a couch and moved to my room to continue drinking. Fuck it. I'll say his name. Jesse Drummond. The guy I punched. He left, the house quieted down and we were just chilling in my room. This dude left, was still pissed and came back and threw a decent sized rock through our living room window. Where an 8 year old girl was sleeping and no one else was in that room. We were pissed but just cleaned up, put the girl back to sleep and back to my room.
Brushed everything aside and just let it go. I was working at Mcdonalds and saw Jesse going into a house on my walk home. I say hi and everything and he invites me inside for a drink. His girl, (the one Poast almost got), is there and a black dude I knew from high school. I started stopping by there on my way home everytime I worked. It was a nice halfway spot. One time, the girl was retardedly wasted. Flopping on the ground and shit. Jesse doesn't do anything but the black guy eventually gets her pants back on and tries to get her to sit. I left pretty early that day.
So down the road, I got fired from Mcdonalds for putting signs on peoples back like, 'I smoke crack for dick' and putting one on a felon who just got out of prison saying, 'I wasted my life' and a bunch of others. I stopped going over to their place. We heard through the grapevine the girl left Jesse for the black dude and skipped town. The black dude joined the army and went AWAL for this girl. So they're kinda on the run or something.
Years later. I still have Jesse as a friend on facebook. He posts he has a new phone and posts his number. Fuck yeah I saved that because he doesn't have my number. A plan emerges. I text him and tell him I'm his ex and I miss him. The black dude is beating me up and I'm scared and sorry for everything I did. I made a mistake and all that noise. He's hesitant to take me back but I just pile on about how much I miss him. He admits he's living with a friend on the couch in southern california. I say it's not a problem. blah blah blah. I miss his face. Just really reeling him in.
I had him on the line for three days. I said I could afford a bus ticket to where he is if he can pick me up. He tells me his roommate is super against it so I ask him if he'd still love me. Dude says yes. Got him by the balls now. One night we were having people over at our house and I told a close friend of our devious plan. She helped out and we sent some girly texts. The type of texts can only be sent by a girl. He was done for.
So for three days Poast and I, mostly me, had this guy wrangled in believing he was going to get back the girl he once had. Poast was supposed to come over the next day as we executed it but he slept in. I text the guy and ask him when he's going to be there because I'm at the greyhound station. He'll be there in half an hour. The guy shows up and asks where I am. I tell him some guy was sketching me out and I'm hiding in the bathroom. I just keep making excuses and have him waiting for an hour and a half before I drop the bomb. The night before Poast and I took a picture looking smug as fuck to send him attached to a text saying, "Remember that time you threw a rock through our window while an 8 year old girl was asleep? We didn't forget!"
Once he realized what happened his buddy called me up screaming about how much time and money of his I wasted. A casualty of war I guess. I didn't know the guy and kinda felt bad for him but it was one the better pranks. To build up a mans hopes and crush them when he's already down and out. I'm glad I don't go that low anymore. I was an asshole. -
2020-01-18 at 10:12 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!So one time.....
WifeDead and I were working a applebees. Some nigger worked there and made manager in no time flat. I mean nigger not because he was black. But because he was a piece of shit. He ordered wings and requested drum sticks only. So WifeDead made him a serving of all wings with one drum stick. He was pissed. We were good buddies so this retard called us both into the office, during a rush to say how it was unprofessional or something. WifeDead showed up to work drunk and pulled out a baller move and just said, "Ain't no thang but a chicken wang." A solid argument looking back.
The niggers name was Sir. He was really a terrible person. When he was losing a fantasy football league with co workers he tried to ruin it for everyone else some how. WifeDead didn't watch sports but competed in it and did pretty well. One time WifeDead put a bun in the fryers overnight to see what would happen the next day. Again we're both called into the office during a rush even though I had nothing to do with it. Two of the managers hated us but I was in good with head manager and the district managers mom so they couldn't really do anything.
One time I was hanging out with the head manager killing chickens before work. I ended up so drunk I was stumbling to work. So I swung by Tony the hammers place. His first words, "I'm not covering your shift." I assured him, "No. I just need a ride please. I'm too drunk to walk." He drove me and I made it 15 minutes before getting kicked out of work. I stumbled back to Tonys to drink beer. He said he got a call from work and just ignored it. We laughed and he made me eggs while we watched baseball. I wasn't fired because the head boss was the one who got me drunk.
Back to Sir. He got fired for being a drunk and abusing his power as manager. But I had his number. He didn't have mine. So one night WifeDead and I decided I should text him, "Is this still Sirs number?" He replied, "Yeah. Who dis?" With no plan I believe I said, "Guess." This retard replies, "Is this Tina?" Turns out I'm now Tina. Kept him on the hook for a day or two while he's telling me he'll get a hotel room and alcohol and we should meet up. Greasy. I eventually sent him a picture of my back tattoo to let him know it was me the whole time. He never responded after that.
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2020-01-18 at 9:45 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by CASPER -contribution-
Remind me to write about the time I helped an illiterate lazy eyed hooker write her craigslist advertisements and it legit took me 10 minutes to come up with a proper adjective for “sweaty, knock kneed, hairy and torn up” . I think I settled 9n “earthy”
Reminding you Casper -
2020-01-18 at 9:45 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by CASPER -contribution-
Remind me to write about the time I helped an illiterate lazy eyed hooker write her craigslist advertisements and it legit took me 10 minutes to come up with a proper adjective for “sweaty, knock kneed, hairy and torn up” . I think I settled 9n “earthy”
Originally posted by aldra if I may be so presumptuous
How did I miss this? Your LOLcat needs work. Especially on the whiskers. And why is his bottom face a triangle? You got chops kid but this is a hard business to get into. Especially with work like that. -
2020-01-18 at 5:06 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
