User Controls
Posts by OMGPLZUNBAN
-
2020-03-05 at 2:33 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by MexicanMasterRace I got sprayed off with a hose in the front yard.
Nice. I have another story:
WifeDead and I are at bar with this loser dude from work who lied all the time. Anyways we get drunk and I head to the bathroom. I get a urinal and there's a full beer someone forgot on top of it. So drunkenly just swigged it. I go back out and tell WifeDead. He laughs and tells me he pissed in a cup and left there for some drunk idiot to drink. I started doing that at various bars over the years and called them WifeDead Bombs. Not the real name because I doubt he once his name out there.
Another time he made bomb. He tried to rig it to a clock so it would be a timed bomb. I had two old applebees microwaves in my car so I figured let's grab a girl and another dude and blow this shit up. I think he got the plans from a terrorist site for the clock. It was something like when the minute hand got to a certain point the wire on the minute hand would touch another wire and should explode.
So we hop in my Honda Accard and go out into the boonies of the beach. Just grassy and bushy hills. I hiked that industrial microwave probably a half mile and got it set up. I closed the doorand ran back up a very giant hill far away from the explosion but where we could still see it.
I set it for 5 minutes. Five minutes go by and nothing. I said we should wait atleast 15 more minutes just to be safe. We did and the other guy there said we should check it. I advised against it thinking once the door is open air might get in allowing the spark or something. I think he was trying to impress the chick and kept saying we should check it. I didn't want to leave an unexplosed pipe bomb on the beach in a microwave from where I worked with my finger prints all over it so I made him a deal. "You go check it and come back up here and I'll light the fuse.
He goes down there and me and this chick are watching. I tell her this is not a smart idea. She says everything will be fine. But because of Poasts hand I know that isn't true. I can tell she's nervous too. This was a big bomb. The guy throws the door open and jumps away as if that was going to save him if it went off. It didn't go off and he comes back up.
So now I have to light the fuse, I go down there and I'm scoping where I'm going to run to. There's a smallish hill that I can dive behind almost right next to it. Fuck it. I light the fuse, shut the door and do a roll atop and over the hill. I plug my ears.
It was loud as fuck. The thing disintegrated and there were no pieces left. That was the biggest bomb I've personally seen. People for miles around probably heard it and since we were close to the beach, the part where people go to frolic I bugged out. I ran up the hill as fast as I could and claimed that we need to leave. NOW. We got to my car and as we were driving off we could hear sirens coming towards us. I was getting sketched out but tried to play it cool. I don't think the other two people knew just how many felonies we caused.
I've faced a triple felony before and knew how stupid it was to do that. WifeDead was smart and let some other retard blow it up. He has a way of doing that. Like getting involved in a prank, coming up with more and more ideas as it grows then claiming he had nothing to with it. I love that dude and he banged Poasts mom. -
2020-03-03 at 8:14 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!More about that bathroom:
Some girl came over and for what ever reason we kicked her out. Poast and I are standing on the porch as she's walking away singing, "Hit the road bitch. And don't you come back no more no more no more no more!"
She became a close friend and later told us that when she came to our party she was still a little butthurt and pissed in the floor heater vent. Probably because the toilet was out of commission.
When we ran out of toilet paper we used coffee enhancements. When we ran out of those we used a phone book. It worked best if you ripped out a page and rubbed it together to make the paper a bit rougher. It was a shitty situation.
One time WifeDead woke up after a party and I was in the living room. He goes to shit. Comes back and asks if there's any toilet paper. I told him no so he goes back into his room and comes out with a sock. We laughed but that's not the moral of this story.
He comes out of the bathroom and tells me I have to see his shit. I start to go towards the bathroom and first I'm hit by the smell. Jesus christ. Then I see the behemoth. First there was a mountain of shit not in log form. A literal mountain that crested above the water. He shit so much it came out of the water. But that's not all, the second half of his shit was a long log the wrapped around shitstorm mountain. It was so perfect I wondered if he was moving his ass around to perfect his abomination.
I ran out of the bathroom gagging from the smell. But I knew it was a once in a lifetime opportunity that I had to witness again. So I went back in just to verify what I had seen. It was unbelievable. I had an old camera that took floppy disks but all my floppys were bad at the time so there's no proof.
I called WifeDead many years later to verify my story. I was thinking maybe time has me embellishing it. He assures me that this is a true factual story down to the last detail. That shit was that gnarly. It did look like that. It was that big.
I can not express through words or a photo of that moment of my life. Like the grand canyon, you have to see it with your own eyes to remark on it's sheer size and beauty. -
2020-02-28 at 2:49 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
-
2020-02-28 at 1:53 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!At Sentry this big dude used to love crop dusting people by farting in their faces. He mastered it too. He would pretend to be reaching for something behind them then just blast them straight in the face.
One day Poast got his revenge. Pulled the classic move of pretending to reach for something and assblasted other dude.
Other dude without missing a beat yells, "Why does your fart smell like OMGs dick?! You cheating on me?!"
I have no idea why we never got pink eye. Poast got scavies though. Probably from some dirty drunken ho. -
2020-02-27 at 3:07 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by STER0S bump.
moar funny stories plz.
Since Poast is being a faggot I'll tell his story. I wasn't there so it's probably way wrong.
Poast was working at Pizza Slut with this gigantic black dude. I wanna say probably 6'5" and big. Probably over 300 lbs. One time he was giving Poast the business at work and pissed him off. So Poast punched him in the face.
The guy could've annihilated Poast but instead he was just confused and looked at him like, 'You serious dude?'
A while later we went over to his house to a big weed dinner. I only remember the weed infused macaroni but there was a ton of other dishes.
He also had a huge DVD collection. I wanted to borrow Earnest Goes to Africa but he didn't lend out movies. He had hundreds. I bet those aged well. -
2020-02-27 at 2:56 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!Oh it's fucking on bitches. I had internet out for a hot minute but now we're on page 42! Jesus christ how do I do it?
Listen. I owe no one nothing. If I owe you, take it like the red cross, and get it in blood. If you're broke, get your homies together and save up for a quarter. And I feel bad for you. -
2020-02-12 at 6:06 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!You guys think I'm going to let this post not be the longest ever? Have I got news for you.
Encourage Poast to post when he punched a 300 lb black dude and the black guy just laughed. He's down in the dumps right now. -
2020-02-11 at 7:34 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
-
2020-02-11 at 7:28 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!This will be the longest thread on the internet. I have big shoulders. I can pull this weight.
-
2020-02-11 at 3:20 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!Poast isn't telling his story which he should instead of killing himself. So I'll post a joke he told me that no body laughs at.
A guy opens up a restaurant and calls it, 'No Niggers Welcome'. The town gets upset obviously. So he changes the name to, 'Niggers Welcome'. The town is still pissed and the guy is standing around like, "You just can't please these people!" -
2020-02-08 at 7:11 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!I think I might leave my Mrs. We're not officially married because I'm a genius and talked her out of it. I haven't told her because I'll get in trouble but I give her a month to stop her shit. There's a kid in the mix, which isn't technically mine, but I can get up and leave without any lawyers at an time.
If I decide to do it it's going to be a real shame. She's left before but always came back. If I quit, then that's it. Sick of constantly being wrong and I never do anything right. As she's downing anti-psychotic pills morning and night.
You guys give a fired/quitting story I'll take questions and give stories. Might be some free 100% custom LOLcats in it too. -
2020-02-07 at 7:38 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by itybit I'm showing your only on page 33
You must have your post views per page set higher. Your 100% custom LOLcat comes with a free song! What a deal!!!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eo2OIUpWznY
-
2020-02-07 at 6:55 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!We're so close to page 42 guys. Give up some quitting/getting fired storys. Free 100% custom lolcats if you do.....
Just saying..... -
2020-02-07 at 7:22 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
-
2020-02-07 at 1:51 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
-
2020-02-06 at 1:51 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!The Mrs might be pregnant. We've been working with a bull for the last year but I fukt up. I banged my old lady two weeks ago. Fuck. Cross your fingers and pray for me the child comes out black.
I kid but the Mrs might be pregnant. If she is she says she wants to keep it. Alright I guess. I love this girl, just got a new place so if she wants a whining, shitting monster she can have one. I'm personally against it but fuck it. Maybe it'll be funny. -
2020-02-05 at 1:40 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by OMGPLZUNBAN I got a story:
Thanksgiving. I was living with Poasts cousin and we were having it there. I had Hozilla living with me like a retard. Poasts cousin could cook so a bunch of people showed up that didn't have family showed up. We ate and then started drinking and having fun.
Some of Poasts family was there and it was pretty chill. There was one second I was standing next to WifeDead and Hozilla was in the hallway. Poasts mom was right there but wasn't looking so I got hozillas attention. She looked at me and I went in for a kiss with MomDead. He swooned and we passionately kissed while I stared her down. She had a horrified look on her face and I walked away.
Dead seriously, without any acknowledgement of what I was about to do just sold the shit out of it. This wasn't the first time we kissed. I think it might've been the last though.
This reminds me of when I was with Ho-Zilla. For christmas I got her a bong. She got me a breathalizer. I told her I wanted one to control my drinking. Once I opened it up I exclaimed, "I'm getting drunk as fuck tonight." She was a typical drugged out ho and stammered, "But you said..." I didn't care. I got drunk as fuck that night trying to set a high score.
Breathalizers are the devils work. Ho-Zilla was making out with a really hot chick and instead of trying to get in with the action with Zilla as the wingman, I just got pissed because I was so drunk.
I was bragging that night that I was kicking everyones asses at drinking and some guy blew above me. So I tried to cheat by taking two shots immediately and then blowing. I still lost. -
2020-02-04 at 9:55 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!Here's my .22 Henry golden boy pump action on a unicorn chair. Really solid gun on a really good chair.
-
2020-02-04 at 9:48 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!Fucking mother fucking page 41! I said we were close!
-
2020-02-04 at 9:48 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within![edited]
