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Posts That Were Thanked by Sudo
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2020-05-12 at 1:11 PM UTC in "Mass Shooting" in Nova Scotia, Canadahttps://www.halifaxexaminer.ca/featured/he-was-a-psychopath/
"A former resident of Portapique says she called the RCMP to tell them the future gunman assaulted his domestic partner and that he had illegal weapons. The police took no action."The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-05-12 at 12:47 PM UTC in The Recovery Thread (The Other TRT)
Originally posted by Sudo CASPER You can say your brain doesn't work but I see it working. I HAVE BEEN FEELING LIKE A PALE SHADE OF MYSELF FOR A FUCKING DECADE. I've literally been making threads about that since zoklet and have only been getting worse. I can tell your brain still fires. Methadone will turn the toughest brain to mush and I can tell you still have an edge to it. I've been doing opiates and many other substances (being briefly addicted to all major drugs and drug groups besides meth although have cocaine and methylphenidate as substitutes) for 17 years (over half my life) and come from a long line of depressed alcoholics. Although my brain is mush and I'm horribly addicted to pills, I'm somehow making more money legally than I have in a long time (or really…ever) and do not feel I am at a risk for returning to prison. Beyond however your brain feels YOU HAVE A LOT TO OFFER THE WORLD AND THE WORLD HAS A LOT TO OFFER YOU IF YOU OPEN YOURSELF TO IT
Bro, I can't pretend to know your situation fully, or even 2% of it, but I do know as an objective observer that your fucking life has meaning and not only to you. You might feel meaningless and worthless but I assure you you are not. You have a story (lots actually) to tell and there will be a resolution and a denouement and a hero and an afterward and maybe a fucking sequel or two. You have a lot to give and offer. The first part sucked but you have to learn some lessons along the way in order to create something lasting. You're just beginning to live man, even if it doesn't feel like it and instead feels like you're sleepwalking yourself to death. It's going to get better if you let it.
I think you need intimacy too. You've got an awesome soul that needs a companion.I think if you find this, or at least a moment or two where you feel a combination that makes sense and you feel less alone, you will feel like you belong a lot more. You deserve a lot man, God knows you do and you're going to get it when the time is right. Fucking watch it happen
Ugh refreshed the page and deleted my shit.
Anyway. Ngl that made me tear up a bit broski.
Idk im sure things would get better i just dk how much better. Id say dont feel like myself but i dont even know what “myself” is. Cutting my own hair this week, i realized its the first time in 31 years ive chosen my own haircut. I just kept getting the same thing i started getting when i was 4 bc it was he default and i didnt have to worry about something being wrong, or making a wrong decision. Same fucking haircut for 27 years. Thats pretty much my life in a nutshell. I just dont feel right. Yeah theres something in there but its all globbed together and disconnected and insulated. Nothing feels automatic or effortless or coherent anymore, and its exhausting just doing simple shit. Like i put off rewriting this post for like 8 hours because typing things seemed like toomuch work. lol.
Im sure some of it is the drugs, but ive been on less than 6mg methadone for a couple months now, and less than 10 for like 4 months. I thought certain th8ngs would start getting better but It feels like im just getting worse. Maybe withdrawal. Idk. Its not even a specific thing its the totality of everything. The physical stuff. The pain. The relationships i fucked up and people i alienated. The selfish, fucked up, cringey shit i did. Being so spineless (omg that symbolsim) for so long. Still not having any direction whatsoever. Not being able to take pride in anything. Giving up doing the one thing i was ever really good at, bc its incompatible with who id want to be. Just feeling broke down and fucked up and angry and old and hardly a man. I remember feeling despondent on drugs, but i dont remember feeling quite this shitty. This is like 3D Depression lol. It just permeates every second im awake, and i want to wrap my hands around its fucking throat but all it is, is me. And me is tired. And me is just running on fumes, and knows problems dont fix themselves. And fixing problems takes vision and spiritual energy and hope, all of which hes sorely lacking right now.
I think theres always a possibility things will get better, but theres every possibility things stay the sameor god forbid get worse. I just straight up cant do this another 5 years. Full stop. Im okay sometimes but im not enjoying anything. i keep wondering at what point is it okay to make that decision. Like obviously theres a point. Most people understand a terminally ill patient opting out? What about being terminally fucked up?
Definitely need intimacy. I was just thinking the other day, i miss just cruising with someone. Driving out somewhere in the middle of the night to get some super unhealthy food. Everyone i knew from drugs i pretty much stopped talking to. I stopped talking to people like 9 months before I quit so I think its been like 2 or 3 years since i really hung out with anyone. Im too exhausted to really be lonely anymore though. Its more like remembering a snippet of a melody to a song and thinking “I wish i remembered what that was from”.
idk.
Thanks. -
2020-05-12 at 12:11 AM UTC in The Recovery Thread (The Other TRT)
The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-05-11 at 10:29 PM UTC in The Recovery Thread (The Other TRT)
Originally posted by CASPER Thanks man. That means a lot. Like…i intellectually acknowledge ive improved a lot. And im also a terminal realist. Wishful thinking just doesnt become me. i have to acknowledge that there are some pretty major physical and logostical limitations now. Like im turning 32 pretty soon. Could i take out a loan and start law school this year? Yeah probably. But id be almost 40 before i finished, and be massively in debt. I jst feel like I dont have the luxury of making some of the choices id want to make. Could i move out right now and would it i prove my mental state? Itd be really difficult but i could pull it off. But now that my moms been unemployed for 2 years, and is almost 70, i feel like i cant leave her here. All the years she put up with my bullshit, it seems irresponsible to just let her fend for herself.
I feel like a prolific guitar player who has an arm amputated. Sure you can say “one day ill be able to play again”. But youll never be anything near what you were. And if what you were is something fundamentally important to you. Is a new life of compromise and incompleteness worth living to you?
Im not even like….”sad depressed” anymore. Im just exhausted. And im 31. I cant imagine feeling this broken down and numb if i were 70.Theres just no inputs. Nothing interests me. Nothing feels worth it. Every day is groundhog day. I forget what day it is. What time it is. I forget laundry in the washer and it mildews. I forget I was hungry a d theres shit burning in the oven. I forget im behind the wheel of the car for a split second. I dont feel like ME. “Me” just feels like a little animal in the cave of my head, and all my muscles and bones and ligaments are just this tightly wound fraying cord and wet, heavy blankets stapled into the meat of my shoulders and back and legs.
I have noimmediate plans to do anything. Theres a little toxic spark of hope that always has me think that i can work my way out of any situation. That no matter how bad something gets, i can always game way way through it. But im starting to learn that its not the case. I gave Malice shit bc i felt like he didnt try enough to make things better. So at least im trying. Even though I really dont feel like trying. If nothing else,just being a little bit more of the person i want to be, and less and less of who I was. But i acknowledge that life is chaos and things dont work according to how we think they should and sometimes things just dont get better. I dont think anyone should feel some moral obligation to stay needlessly suffering if theres no need to. Ofc theres the animal anxiety and wanting to stay conscious as long as possible, but objectively theres nothing more special about this hunk of meat and any other.
Idk.
I wish I could give you a big momma bear hug and go for a really long walk, which wouldn’t seem long at all while we came up with realistic goals and an action plan to get you moving forward in the direction that’s best for you. I think you are worth it. I also believe I could help you help yourself and in turn It would help me too.
You are a gem! You just gotta get in the hands of people who know your true worth. I mean that literally.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-05-11 at 9:52 PM UTC in The Recovery Thread (The Other TRT)
Originally posted by Octavian Bro I wrote a deep worded response but the page refreshed and I nearly smashed the monitor. Like… if you killed yourself, I know that post would have helped/saved you.
You have all the ingriedients to succeed. You don't need to change, you just need to be more of YOURSELF. We all see this daily, this online person, not PERSONA, I refuse to believe it's a concept. You are what you are, cause when you're online that person deep within you comes out. The one that gives us advice, the one we can all go to. I want you to believe in yourself, and to know life owes you a decent slice of a real future. We don't depend, we LOOK UP to you.
That has to mean something. Cause if you give up, then what kind of inspiration is that?
That is the kind of person you are. DO-NOT-GIVE-UP.
Thanks man. That means a lot. Like...i intellectually acknowledge ive improved a lot. And im also a terminal realist. Wishful thinking just doesnt become me. i have to acknowledge that there are some pretty major physical and logostical limitations now. Like im turning 32 pretty soon. Could i take out a loan and start law school this year? Yeah probably. But id be almost 40 before i finished, and be massively in debt. I jst feel like I dont have the luxury of making some of the choices id want to make. Could i move out right now and would it i prove my mental state? Itd be really difficult but i could pull it off. But now that my moms been unemployed for 2 years, and is almost 70, i feel like i cant leave her here. All the years she put up with my bullshit, it seems irresponsible to just let her fend for herself.
I feel like a prolific guitar player who has an arm amputated. Sure you can say “one day ill be able to play again”. But youll never be anything near what you were. And if what you were is something fundamentally important to you. Is a new life of compromise and incompleteness worth living to you?
Im not even like....”sad depressed” anymore. Im just exhausted. And im 31. I cant imagine feeling this broken down and numb if i were 70.Theres just no inputs. Nothing interests me. Nothing feels worth it. Every day is groundhog day. I forget what day it is. What time it is. I forget laundry in the washer and it mildews. I forget I was hungry a d theres shit burning in the oven. I forget im behind the wheel of the car for a split second. I dont feel like ME. “Me” just feels like a little animal in the cave of my head, and all my muscles and bones and ligaments are just this tightly wound fraying cord and wet, heavy blankets stapled into the meat of my shoulders and back and legs.
I have noimmediate plans to do anything. Theres a little toxic spark of hope that always has me think that i can work my way out of any situation. That no matter how bad something gets, i can always game way way through it. But im starting to learn that its not the case. I gave Malice shit bc i felt like he didnt try enough to make things better. So at least im trying. Even though I really dont feel like trying. If nothing else,just being a little bit more of the person i want to be, and less and less of who I was. But i acknowledge that life is chaos and things dont work according to how we think they should and sometimes things just dont get better. I dont think anyone should feel some moral obligation to stay needlessly suffering if theres no need to. Ofc theres the animal anxiety and wanting to stay conscious as long as possible, but objectively theres nothing more special about this hunk of meat and any other.
Idk.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-05-11 at 9:28 PM UTC in The Recovery Thread (The Other TRT)
Originally posted by CASPER This is a super accurate representation of how i feel.
Like…im so fucking depressed and isolated that i cant even be verbal with people anymore. Suddenly it makes sense. Like one of those caged animals that goes insane. Like i avoid HAIRCUTS because having to sit and small talk with someone for 30 min is UNCOMFORTABLE for me. its fucked. Whenever i have to talk on the phone,the most i can manage is a few monosyllabic grunts. I just feel fucking retarded. Theres nothing to talk about. I might as well have pulled up a chair and stared at a wall for 13 years.
Going to my job seems pointless. its cheaper to hire me than to design automation to have robots do my job. buying nice clothes seems pointless. Shaving and grooming myself and basic hygeine seems like a complete fucking ordeal. Dating seems fucking pointless. Taking medications for things im just going to have to deal with later seems pointless. Being nice to people and common courtesy feels some elaborate display.
Everything is fucking exhausting. But it is what it is. A lot of people are dealing with a lot worse shit.
Bro I wrote a deep worded response but the page refreshed and I nearly smashed the monitor. Like... if you killed yourself, I know that post would have helped/saved you.
You have all the ingriedients to succeed. You don't need to change, you just need to be more of YOURSELF. We all see this daily, this online person, not PERSONA, I refuse to believe it's a concept. You are what you are, cause when you're online that person deep within you comes out. The one that gives us advice, the one we can all go to. I want you to believe in yourself, and to know life owes you a decent slice of a real future. We don't depend, we LOOK UP to you.
That has to mean something. Cause if you give up, then what kind of inspiration is that?
That is the kind of person you are. DO-NOT-GIVE-UP. -
2020-05-11 at 2:18 PM UTC in The flip side of the NIS mind setis this an elaborate way of calling us gayThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-05-11 at 7:02 AM UTC in MACIEJ WIESLAW LATA DID NOTHING WRONG.
Charges
0 SECURITY FEE - CRIMINAL (AB 1759) 1465.8 Misdemeanor 05/27/2009
0 VIOLATION OF ONE OR MORE TERMS OF PROB 1203.2(a) Misdemeanor 08/09/2011
1 ATTEMPT/CONTACT MINOR TO COMMIT LEWD ACT 288.3(a) Felony 05/27/2009
2 ARRANGE/MEET W/MINOR/LEWD BEHAVIOR 288.4(b) Felony 05/27/2009
3 ARRANGE/MEET W/MINOR/LEWD BEHAVIOR 288.4(b) Felony 05/27/2009
4 CHILD MOLEST 647.6 Misdemeanor 05/27/2009
Charges
001 PC647.6-M-ANNOY OR MOLEST A CHILD 647.6 Misdemeanor 05/06/2009
Charges
001 VC23152(B)W/1PR-M-DUI W/1 PRIOR 23152(B)W/1PR Misdemeanor 05/05/2012
002 VC23152(B)W/1PR-M-DUI W/1 PRIOR 23152(B)W/1PR Misdemeanor 05/05/2012
Charges
001 PC245(A)(1)-F-ASSAULT W/DEADLY WEAPON 245(A)(1) Felony 02/01/2013
001 PC12022.7-GBI:COMMISSION OF FELONY 12022.7 Felony 02/04/2013
002 PC243(D)-F-BATTERY W/BODILY INJURY 243(D) Felony 02/01/2013
Charges
001 PC245(A)(4)-F-ASSAULT GREAT BODILY INJURY 245(A)(4) Felony 06/01/2014
999 PC667(B)-(I)-F-PRIOR SERIOUS FELONY (STRIKE) 667(B)-(I) Felony 06/01/2014
"nothing wrong"
this was only 2 counties, I didn't bother checking up on his residences to see how many others he had a record in -
2020-05-11 at 6:57 AM UTC in An opportunity for blacks to apologise for their rampant violence against whitesI honestly have a hard time feeling sorry for women choosing to travel alone and unarmed to places like this.
what did you think was going to happen when you put your safety in the hands of extremely poor strangers you have no connection with?The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-05-11 at 5:12 AM UTC in "Mass Shooting" in Nova Scotia, Canada
Originally posted by MexicanMasterRace … There's absolutely no need to own a rifle unless you're a hunter.
Well, now you liberal crazies are disarming hunters of their hunting rifles and shotguns. What do you think of that? Just bend over and grab your ankles and smile?
https://www.westernstandardonline.com/2020/05/gun-groups-warn-liberals-have-made-common-hunting-rifles-illegal/The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-05-11 at 3:24 AM UTC in So I might be living on my ownI don't know, probably like ten times or something been to jail on probation for a total of 8 years I think. . I haven't been in to jail in 7 years because I'm good babby now eeee eeeeee!The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-05-11 at 3:11 AM UTC in So I might be living on my own
Originally posted by Hikikomori-Fujoshi I'll be 30 later this year.
No I'm not alright and I wish I could go to a euthanasia clinic and press the restart button.
I'll never be able to function in society, and I don't see my life ever changing.
Aside for taking cats out for a walk I'm probably just going to spend the rest of my life indoors as I have since 11.
That doesn't mean I won't be doing creative and interesting things once I get moved or on my own I plan on really getting into Renoise and music production as well as taking studying Japanese seriously.
If I become proficient enough I might try to find a way to make money from that, maybe I could teach fellow hikis and neets.
The boy I helped raise years ago had Aspergers, and it was a rough as fuck road for him. He eventually did well.
This looks like the path that will help you get where you need to be. Quitting would be the only way you'd lose. Persistence, and patience with yourself is how you're gonna break through this. It's inevitable if you keep on track. It's how you put the odds in YOUR favor.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-05-11 at 2:28 AM UTC in So I might be living on my ownI'm gonna go to therapy for disability so they'll tell me
I have been diagnosed as asperger, as well as gad.
The people at the psych ward incorrectly labeled me as schizophrenic.
I think my issue is anxiety mixed mixed with cognitive issues possibly from vaccinations.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-05-11 at 2:04 AM UTC in So I might be living on my ownThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-05-11 at 12:48 AM UTC in I totally just cybered with Kinko in NIS ChatThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-05-10 at 8:19 PM UTC in Happy Mother's Day from Wren
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2020-05-10 at 5:55 PM UTC in DontTellEm Has not wished her mom a happy mothers day...
Originally posted by gadzooks I still have a pic from when I got my ass beat.
It was some stupid drunken bar brawl.
I even ended up with a chick in my bed that very night.
We didn't fuck, because I had ridiculous levels of whiskey dick, but still…
Being able to take an ass whoopin' with some dignity is beta as fuck.
lmao you got your ass handed to you. I usually don't get my ass beat unless I'm kicking my own ass. Last year around this time I was drunk at work and smoked my managers vape pen and told him I was going to the store to get chicken.. and fucking almost hit by a car but jumped a curb cycling and just remember flying, it was fucked up, I left bike there and walked to work with these 2 girls screaming at me to lay down, just all bloody and shit
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2020-05-10 at 5:03 PM UTC in DontTellEm Has not wished her mom a happy mothers day...I still have a pic from when I got my ass beat.
It was some stupid drunken bar brawl.
I even ended up with a chick in my bed that very night.
We didn't fuck, because I had ridiculous levels of whiskey dick, but still...
Being able to take an ass whoopin' with some dignity is beta as fuck. -
2020-05-10 at 4:22 PM UTC in DontTellEm Has not wished her mom a happy mothers day...
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2020-05-10 at 3:32 PM UTC in Ineffable reality texturesI mostly try actively to suppress my childhood memories.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
