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Posts by Malice
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2017-08-10 at 11:33 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSFuck, if I am bipolar, overcoming the prolonged period of severe depression may have made the independent bipolar worse, allowed it to fully manifest.
A common effect of severe depression is profound emotional numbing, a limited range and intensity of emotions, along severe anergia, avolition (inability to utilize willpower.), loss of interest in the world, in any goals etc.
This would perfectly mask the manic phase. There were powerful dips at intervals as well, increasing the severity and losing the ability to function.
Unfortunately when you're so unemotional and see life as profoundly devoid of meaning and purpose, along with the complete lack of external feedback or intervention, it can make simply become the new 'normal'. After literal years, relentless, with no real change or meaningful occurrences in life, you may not even recall or understand what it's like to feel happy and well functioning.
Jesus, it's only been 3 months since I started Nardil and it's already made a drastic difference. An array of clear signs.
I hadn't really thought about that 3 year period since I've been getting better and focused on other things, never having placed aby value or meaning in the past or my own memories.
But that was an unimaginably fucket up period. I've genuinely felt amazed I was even alive at multiple points. It was a living hell that never ended.
I have to get more ketamine, even at a higher price or overseas. I don't want to go through this every x weeks. It feels horrible at times. -
2017-08-10 at 11:15 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSWhat did I get wrong, then?
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2017-08-10 at 9:39 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
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2017-08-10 at 9:08 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by 霍比特人说中文不好 Second of all, I think you'll be very disappointed if you go into college expecting it to be full of "substantially more intelligent people." I recently finished up a philosophy class and there was just this massive lack of logic and understanding. I started the class pretty much driving the discussion but very quickly stopped due to almost everybody in there being a total fucking idiot, even the teacher.
§m£ÂgØL, you probably go to a shitty college. The one I go to has the highest percentage of Transfers to UC Berkeley, which is a few blocks away, ranked #6 worldwide, above Princeton and Yale. There are a ton of highly motivated students specifically set on transferring there, devoting their entire two years to it. We also get to take 1 class at UC Berkeley per semester, and those that don't have fees waived only have to pay the same cost per unit as the community college, which is really fucking sweet.
You don't know what the culture of Berkeley is like, the people.
Originally posted by RisiR † Been there, done that.
Malice, how are you going to deal with this?
I suppose I'll just have to increase my mental discipline and avoid going into a rage/having an aneurysm, as well as strictly be aware of and control my behavior (Avoid behaving like I do online.)
Originally posted by LegalizeSpiritualDiscovery or they're some savant that will never fit in in society (looking at you, Malice).
Oh, gee, thanks, what a nice thing to hear. Well, savant is kind of flattering, but actual cases of savants are exceedingly rare, with under 100 confirmed. They do tend to have autism, though. The thing is, they're also all horribly disabled, including mentally (Intelligence.), and are pretty much only good at one specific thing.
You know, I was actually nice to you toward the end of Zoklet. Do you remember when you were staying at your aunt's house in Texas and law enforcement was engaged in an operation right by you, with helicopters, and it being shown on TV that a person was on foot, going through a part right behind her house?
You gave enough details to find your exact address easily, which I verified you could do by looking for the news story. Instead of doxing you I quickly PM'd you about it and you thanked me and edited your post.
How do I remember this random event from years ago on Zoklet? Savant memory. Practically everyone who has regularly visited TRT has noticed and accepted the validity of my mnemonic prowess. -
2017-08-10 at 8:47 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSAww yeah, OG Kush is always good if you live in a great medical state, consistently get the real thing. The dispensaries here in SF are so well run! Those of you who have never been there and live in a really conservative state or rural area would probably be shocked.
Adventures in autism. Includes women!:
1.)Up to 75mg of Nardil; score! Psychiatrist said he'd be willing to go up the 'maximum', 90mg, which is great. I was going to aim for it regardless so I could stockpile the pills, if only to send them to other people, and to have a replacement in case of accident (Extremely unlikely.).
Damn I'm fucking stoned after that long break. (After note: I really shouldn't smoke too much, I end up getting couch locked and not doing anything, shunning responsibility.)
It's amazing how well I can manipulate, read, and predict people, despite being an autistic recluse. I know the reason why this is. Drat, I really should have been recording the audio with a phone app, but forgot from the start. It could have been really useful to some people, to hear exactly what was said and analyze why it worked so well. I know just what to say, how to respond, deal with any situation, even maintain my demeanor to suit my purposes.
2.) There was a girl on the train, seemed past her mid 20s, who I noticed seemed to change seats for no apparent reason on a train car that only had a few people. I noticed certain movement patterns of how she was looking around, and she sat on the seat next to me. Fun fact: I highly prefer to have at least one seat between me and other people on all sides, if possible. This greatly irritated me, as I was reading with my earmuffs on and ear plugs in, attempting to concentrate as much as possible, which is greatly disturbed by others.
I immediately developed a natural strong aggravated countenance (A fair percentage of the time (Used to be far higher in the past), when around people, particularly in areas dense with people, enclosed spaces greatly augmenting this effect, I likely possess the angriest demeanor you will ever see.) and began rapidly putting all my things in my cloth reusable bag, then moved to another seat. During this entire segment, putting my things away until moving when she was out of my line of sight, I noticed with my superior peripheral vision that she was looking at me, and her expression/demeanor seemed to convey some non-typical reaction, as in it affected her considerably more than just some random person doing this.
A few moments after I moved to another seat, which wasn't that far away, just one of my preferred sections, she walked past me and sat 2 seats in front of me.
She was actually attractive. White, at a healthy weight etc., you know, generally attractive body type, shoulder length hair (preferred), feminine, although not overly and impacted by her fashion style, etc. She also had somewhat large tattoo(s) on her arm(s) at least. Not the typical kind females choose, they may have been tasteful, or in line with her style/subculture/personality/social group/whatever she identifies with. IIRC she was wearing black clothing and boots, like the kind some punk girls or girls into metal wear. That was essentially her look, except not excessive, filthy looking like many punks are, and generally tasteful and attractive. Lanny probably would have liked her.
Through later analysis I pondered whether something about me had drawn her. The shirt I was wearing is rather eye catching, and definitely something that would particularly appeal to a woman like her. Levi's 541 jeans have an athletic fit for larger quads and butts. I specifically chose them after extensively researching the optimal jeans for those who seriously lift weights. I have a great ass.
*Goes to full length sliding closet door mirrors. Starts checking out ass. Side profile, lift shirt hem above it, arch back/engage in lordosis (Actually an ubiquitous seually receptive position among females in the animal kingdom). Grope a bit, grab big handfuls and give a good squeeze. Lower pants and boxers, bend knees and arch back more* That ass just doesn't quit. I swear it's far shapelier and more aesthetic than the average woman's, the majority of women, which isn't a very high threshold, to be honest.
Uh, anyway, I also have a surprisingly good build. I know why I retain an abnormally large amount of muscle mass and strength. My arms still look strong and toned, chest big, abs, shoulders, pretty much everything. My skin also looked great that day after the new technique I adopted.
I also have a theory, that actually had strong compelling evidence in support, about personality and biological profiles in the Bay Area, those of both women and men. The women being particularly feminized, in a cognitive sense, which is different from the far greater traditional femininity that conservative women display. This also applies to the males, along with biological correlates, personality traits, fashion/aesthetics etc. Essentially I'm competing with relatively feminized men with meeker personalities, as well as women who still possess powerful biological predispositions and, whether they are consciously aware of it or not, accept it, are still naturally attracted to men who appear highly masculine.
In fact, women like her, who can be described as considerably more 'masculine' in certain ways, personality and cognitive profile, will demand even more masculine men in order to fulfill their natural desire, which is pushed to a greater extreme due to the need for dominance.
I indeed have this demeanor, appearance (No, I don't normally wear a wig. And when not posing for the rare picture, alone, I look very different, extremely stern.), and have repeatedly noticed a distinct pattern.
Oh, and she may have also mistaken my ear muffs for headphones. Definitely seems like the kind of girl who's strongly into music. Another thing is that after she moved in front of me, after I had moved away from her to be alone, I had the impression she may have been teasing me and was concerned about social interaction occurring more than nearly anything, possibly teasing me, messing with me. She never said anything. Later, as I was waiting for the train to stop and get off, I ended up right next to her seats, although, fortunately, she had taken the window seat. It was right where the group of people near the door ended. I needed to tie the handles of my bag closed, and was having a hard time doing it for some reason, so I put it on the armrest of the seat next to hers, right by the aisle. I was having a hard time with this because of how narrow it is, but refused to put it on her seat and get closer.
She never said anything. In retrospect, I probably hurt her feelings and she was feeling somewhat depressed, which is a natural reaction.
Good god I'm a jerk. Then again, I was in a depressive bipolar phase, and due to all the problems I have it would have been a terrible choice anyway. Definitely could have been done better, though, making it seem like I was moving away for another reason.
3.) When I turned the corner to the house gate, (Bar fence goes around 2 sides.) I saw this particularly attractive, highly feminine girl with a very nice body, and what seemed to be a distinct look (Not due to clothing, her face, potentially in a positive manner. I was curious about what race she was, because it didn't seem clear and may have been a minority in the neighborhood (I don't mean 'minority' and in non-white.), and also what she looked like up close, because many, if not most, girls are ruined by their face.
I'll admit I strayed from the path in devoting even a small amount of attention to something so insubstantial as the simple aesthetic pleasantness of a woman, as well as behavior in line with mild biological desire, the natural behavior displayed when two people show some non-platonic potential interest in each other.
I'll admit I delayed a bit and kept my eyes on her using my peripheral vision, but delaying would have required too much time, so I went in, expecting I could see her through the spaced bar fence. Unfortunately I was wrong and it completely blocked her face from view and I couldn't develop an accurate image of her body.
Here's the good part, though: I noticed her dip her head down past the thick top horizontal bar to try to catch a glance at me.
If I ever see her again I'm crossing to the other side of the street.
Reason I wouldn't get involved? I'm pretty still unknown to others due to being a super-recluse. If she noticed how fucking weird I was, began speculating, gossiping, it could end up with rumors being spread of me, people knowing where I live, looking at me if they ever notice me, based on her description etc.
It's essentially akin to the phrase, "Don't shit where you eat."
Post last edited by Malice at 2017-08-10T09:27:34.485282+00:00 -
2017-08-09 at 10:51 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSI think I may actually consider myself a Buddhist now. Of course my interpretation is very different from the standard mystical interpretation. If asked, I would label myself a Secular Buddhist, as it most aligns with my views.
Yes, yes, I know, maliciousness. I've changed greatly over the years. Oh, I mean in terms of how much I lash out. I definitely need to get my anger under control. What enrages me most, practically the only things that enrage me, are affronts to me, particularly my enormous, yet atypical, sense of pride.
That and, fortunately due to Discount pointing it, out I've realized I may be mildly bipolar. Becoming extremely irritable and angry, possibly during the beginning period, before I lapse into a feeling of distinct melancholy, then the depressive peak, may be a common pattern, particularly among males. I've noticed this in 1337.
Moved into the depressive phase, the lowest part, yesterday. Fortunately that means it'll be over soon and I'll enter into another manic cycle at a pretty convenient time. I thought about how this would effect my life, school, work, interpersonal relations/how people peceive me.
I really need to be aware of and prevent myself from lashing out at people. The neurological aspects of autism that cause negative emotions to be greatly amplified, perpetually being in a flight or fight mode and naturally, neurologically, interpreting all negative events initiated by others, makes this so much worse. I cannot help it, I can't stop it. That doesn't mean I'm helpless forever, it's simply going to take time.
Also, the Method of Loci is really useful for remembering things. A really simply method I use is to use the front door, the area in front of me when I go inside, the chair, desk, computer keyboard, screen, even using both the black/powered off screen, if I put the computer in sleep mode, and the screen when I first turn it on. Convenient if I don't want to bother writing them down on my phone.
Post last edited by Malice at 2017-08-09T23:27:45.099321+00:00 -
2017-08-09 at 10:31 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSYou know, there actually a lot of cute girls in Downtown Berkeley. They are at the age where men naturally tend to find their bodies most attractive, and of course, being right by the community college and UC Berkeley, which are only blocks away from each other, they will tend to be substantially more intelligent, have a better sense of fashion, physical appearance (weight and maintenance), as well as better and unique styles, which really makes it an aesthetic pleasure (non-sexual) to people watch.
Maybe Lanny has something to this idea of literally not forming crushes being due to not knowing a single person IRL. In high school it was bound to occur because people tend to be so idiotic and undeveloped. I had extremely asymmetrical development, which is common among aspies, and having a high IQ and reading extensively (During that period I decided I would read what were considered the greatest novels of all time, the ones that captured my interest. I actually did go through with it, although of course I didn't read all of them.).
I must not stray from the path that has become illuminated to me. I will have to continually strengthen my discipline, and I'm planning to finally get a vasectomy soon just in case, now that I've wrapped up prioritized things.
Also, there was a street preacher outside the main BART entrance and this older (50s-60s?) was engaging him politely. Fortunately as I was about to leave and go down the escalator I stopped for a bit and he was talking about Adam and Eve. The older guy stated there was no scientific evidence that they existed, and preacher said there was scientific evidence that we all descended from two people, Adam and Eve.
At that point I politely raised my hand to chest level and simply asked a pretty common question, "Pardon me, doesn't that imply that their children committed incest?"
He actually blatantly, directly, stated right away, "Yes, they did commit incest. *pause* but within a context."
"So we're all descended from incest?" (Addressing the effects this would have caused and asking how we avoided that would have been a a good question to follow up with."
I didn't expect him to blatantly say it in an unabashed tone. At that moment the other guy and I looked at each other with incredulous smirks on our faces. Then I just left because I didn't care enough to hear his explanation and I don't give a fuck about being rude to people who deserve it, or when convenient.
Post last edited by Malice at 2017-08-09T22:39:23.809893+00:00 -
2017-08-09 at 10 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSImagine if every time you spotted something good and yelled, "Look, Some Drugs!" LegalizeSpiritualDiscovry came sprinting, seemingly out of nowhere, and dived for the spot, wearing his own custom self-made costume.
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2017-08-09 at 9:53 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
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2017-08-09 at 7:55 AM UTC in THE OFISH 2017 COLLAGE THREAD!!!
Originally posted by LegalizeSpiritualDiscovery Lol, dude called Malice a rich spoiled kid. And said he pictures him riding a skateboard.. outside.
My hair is just past nipple length.
Around late last year I literally forgot about an envelope with 2.7K in it for months. It was just in a short rectangular plastic tray (storage container) that I have stuff in. I mean, it's messy, but still. It just showed how little money normally matters to me.
Then recently I looked through it and found $457 total! I thought I only had ones in there, and they hid the other bills because forty fucking seven/47 has accumulated in there. -
2017-08-09 at 1:57 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSJesus man, get diagnosed and tell them about how severe your symptoms are.
It’s amazing you were able to work two jobs when you’re way worse than I am now.
They may finally feel sorry enough for yous to prescribe Nardil.
I completely understand what a living hell autism can be. Thank god I’m overcoming or more and more, have the knowledge, tools, and skills I need, developed through constant effort, obsessive reading and analyzing for countless hours to the exclusion of all else, improving myself, my mind, in immeasurable ways. -
2017-08-09 at 12:12 AM UTC in Protip: Save on clothes by buying high quality replicas from China.Why? Those look dapper/stylish sf fuck. The originals also cost over $500!
There’s no way I’m paying that much for a jacket because it’s an idiotic waste of money.
It’s the rational choice.
Post last edited by Malice at 2017-08-09T00:20:50.315765+00:00 -
2017-08-08 at 10:15 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by hydromorphone I've been making origami animals in other news… who wants me to send them origami critters?
Malice, would you let me send you Origami critters? I would if I had an address to mail them to. It's been helping with my anxiety somewhat, as of late. Just started a few days ago. Picked up an unopened complete starter kit with a book for like 50cents at a yard sale in a ritzy part of town where I clean rentals. I've made a couple things… working on more with instuctions I've found on the internet now… working on making dragons. Might be something up your alley to give a shot with. I think you'd like it.
How about instead I send you and PoC some kava extract to try for severe anxiety, even reducing epilepsy?
PoC already gave me his address in the past, but you know how he is. Even though he’s changing he can easily and rapidly go right back to his old ways and be impossible to get through to.
You can test it first and then mail it to him.
It’s so cheap it will barely cost a thing to send it in an envelope. -
2017-08-08 at 10:08 PM UTC in Hey malice do you ever get tired of being a pussy?
Originally posted by LegalizeSpiritualDiscovery That motto was added in like the 1950s…
Yeah, IIRC it was because of the Red Scare and the USSR’s policy on religion, their atheistic stance. They had the moronic just of being concerned about declining religious association and beliefs, possibly leading to or an increase in atheism, producing an increase in support for communism. -
2017-08-08 at 8:16 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSHey, if your wife is that young looking, I say it's a good thing. They were probably just jealous and engaging in machismo.
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2017-08-08 at 4:18 PM UTC in Protip: Save on clothes by buying high quality replicas from China.Wow, look at this beauty, a Belstaff for only $47 (Total will be more after paying an agent to purchase it and ship it.):
https://item.taobao.com/item.htm?id=42770846565
Someone wrote a review of another Belstaff, and it seems to genuinely be almost as good as the original. $92 : https://www.reddit.com/r/FashionReps/comments/6igedc/rep_belstaff_roadmaster_reivew_with_gen_comparison/?st=j63pxgrc&sh=66e5f867
https://www.dhgate.com/product/top-quality-bsf-man-roadmaster-jackets-man/387602290.html#s1-0-1b;searl%7C2047939333
I love the look of this one, only $50: https://item.taobao.com/item.htm?id=42771646071
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2017-08-08 at 4:07 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSOh, I nearly forgot RisiR, I was going to PM you this. It's extremely important/beneficial for weightlifting and running, a massive impact that few know about. I have a good amount of this arriving soon as well. Can't wait to see what it does when stacked with NSI and HIIT.
The effects of phosphatidylserine on endocrine response to moderate intensity exercise
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2503954/pdf/1550-2783-5-11.pdfResults: Mean peak cortisol concentrations and area under the curve (AUC) were lower following
PS (39 ± 1% and 35 ± 0%, respectively) when compared to placebo (p < 0.05). PS increased AUC
for testosterone to cortisol ratio (184 ± 5%) when compared to placebo (p < 0.05). PS and placebo
supplementation had no effect on lactate or growth hormone levels.
Conclusion: The findings suggest that PS is an effective supplement for combating exercise induced
stress and preventing the physiological deterioration that can accompany too much
exercise. PS supplementation promotes a desired hormonal status for athletes by blunting
increases in cortisol levels.
It was in this incredibly extensive post, which has more info about PS: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/3nsni2/piracetam_i_just_cant_say_goodbye_but_probably/cwe769w/?st=j5wgao4q&sh=5038d357
Aside from that, here's what I'm getting from the dispensaries:
1/2 Swiss Sue (1.5% THC 14% CBD)
1g Wedding Cake shatter (pretty excited about trying it after a long break)
https://www.leafly.com/hybrid/wedding-cake
1g Platinum Bubba wax
https://www.leafly.com/indica/platinum-bubba-kush
1/4 Do-si-Dos
https://www.leafly.com/indica/do-si-dos
1/8 OG Kush
Mmm, mmm, mmm. Aww yeah, and I already made food, I can be lazy as fuck. This will be fun. Oh wait, no, damn, I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow night. -
2017-08-08 at 3:55 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSWhy are you so angry RisiR?
Oh, wait, I can think of multiple reasons why that might be and why I'd deserve it. During a prolonged part of my 3 year depression, after fully grasping the evolutionary nature of depression and why I distinctly and consistently noticed such clear shifts, I thought that if I was destined to become a monster when happy and well functioning, increasingly monstrous the better I became, that I should just commit suicide for the sake of everyone, the world. I meant it too, I was seriously planning it.
I should at least try to heal, even after so long. 14 years without social relationships, entirely renouncing love and entombing my heart. It's bound to fuck you up. And all the thoughts that have occurred, how my worldview has developed, everything I've learned. I don't know if I'll ever be able to. What an alien and fucked up existence. Completely closed off, potentially never able to feel what others do. Of course it altered me profoundly, did immense damage to my humanity.
If it makes a difference, I'm seeing more evidence that I may actually be mildly bipolar. It seems strong constant irritability and anger may arise during the depressive period, which I need to learn to control.
Part of the reason I'm going to order some ketamine. Oh, wait, there was a post today on r/DarknetMarkets that convinced me to avoid Dream market. Well, fuck. I was delaying it because I couldn't find any good US vendors, or the price was unsatisfactory.
https://www.reddit.com/r/DarkNetMarkets/comments/6s8nnv/can_we_get_a_list_of_actual_markets_that_wont/?st=j634hswg&sh=fbfb604e
Are there seriously no good fucking markets left at this point? Fuck!
Well, at least I have a pretty good amount of kava extract coming in. 250g should last me a good amount of time.
Guess what? Finally got around to ordering benzos. 1g clonazolam and 250mg diclazepam to trial.
The GABAergics should calm me down. Oh, and I'm meeting with my psychiatrist today in SF, so I'll stop by two dispensaries as well. I can't remember the last time I got high. It's been a pretty long break after I ran out. Really haven't had much of a desire to use until I entered this down phase where I persistently felt highly irritable and angry, easily angered to a high degree and remaining in that state for a prolonged period. Of course weed will help.
*sigh* I feel pretty depressed. I'm not sure if it's prolonged sleep deprivation, which can be caused by the manic phase, or just being irresponsible along with busy from school prep and getting a lot of things done, multiple projects, which I'm almost done with.
I can't fucking believe it, on top of all the problems I have I may be bipolar as well, like my fellow autists PoC and Hydro. IIRC it may be greatly overrepresented among us. It makes perfect sense, why in the past I've repeatedly and consistently gone through periods, generally 3-5 days IIRC, where I just shut down and become incredibly dysfunctional, stop meeting basic needs, even showering and eating, just stay in bed excessively and don't really get much done, go outside. At least if ketamine works I can gain the benefits of the manic cycle while preventing the depressive. That would be amazing, give me so much potential. I have boundless energy, creativity, cognitive skills, during the manic phase, which is longer than the depressive.
The Nardil and NSI-189 can mask the depressive cycle, make it harder to realize I'm in it. HIIT + sublingual freebase NSI has an amazing effect. -
2017-08-08 at 1:09 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
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2017-08-08 at 11:15 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by Lanny Right, you're just posting it here because that's a lot easier than keeping a document somewhere. Totally. I often write out my grocery list and then tape it to a light post because I don't want anyone to see it or do anything with it.
“Sometimes I speak to men and women just as a little girl speaks to her doll. She knows, of course, that the doll does not understand her, but she creates for herself the joy of communication through a pleasant and conscious self-deception.” - SchopenhauerHow long is it? I wouldn't want to commit if I wasn't going to finish. I can slog through anything for 10k words (not saying it would be a slog, just that that's the amount I could read before having to make a judgment to continue or not).
Errm, heheh, according to this: https://wordcounttools.com/
it's 4K words long at a graduate level of readability.
Darn, I could shorten it, but the second part is pretty interesting. No, it's can be cut out and treated as a separate segment.
Is 2,300 taking 10 minutes for an average reader (pretty slow) okay? Treat as an overview for a sci-fi novel with heavy philosophical elements and thought experiments.